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I’ve seen a lot about mindful sex and being present when you have sex over the last few years. It’s tempting to ignore such things because of the words used, but I spent some time digging into it and there’s something valid about it.

The first problem with this whole issue is defining what mindful sex means. There are a lot of different words used to explain it and some of the definitions don’t really overlap. As I understand it, mindful sex means you are both fully aware of your own body and what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. And as much as possible you’re also both aware of each other’s bodies and feelings.

Mindfulness means that while you are aware of what’s happening, you don’t get wrapped up in it. Your focus is on your body, rather than being lost in thought. If something isn’t as you would like, you don’t see that as wrong or bad, it’s just where things are and you move to something better. In order to do this well, you need to be able to communicate about sex as you do it. For example, if you know you’re going to be tight, you let him know that. If he gets carried away as he enters, reach down and take his penis in your hand and help him enter the way you need him to. He should be doing much the same thing by letting you know how things feel and guiding you with words or his hands. Of course you both need to accept this as flowing together, rather than taking it as a correction. His entering too fast or you not touching his penis as firmly as he would like are not wrong, it’s just not what is needed at the moment.

Once you have the being present down, you have to be free to flow in the moment. There is no script. You don’t have to start intercourse 185 seconds after he starts fingering your clitoris. Neither of you has to say a certain thing or move a certain way. You can skip something you always do or try something new, and neither is a big deal. The goal is to enjoy the experience, with the understanding that it might not go the way sex has always gone. You want to follow pleasure, but orgasm is not the only pleasure to be had. Mindful sex means neither of you gets upset that you’re taking a while to get aroused or to reach orgasm. It means if he comes “too fast” you just keep enjoying each other in whatever ways you like. It also means sex isn’t necessarily over when you have both climaxed. Maybe you want to stay together and keep thrusting slowly if you are having intercourse. Or continue playing with each other if you’re doing something else. This is not necessarily done for more orgasms, although that’s fine if it happens. You keep going because one or both of you enjoys it. Learn the pleasure that can come from stimulating each other after orgasm.

Studies have found that couples who manage to be mindful during sex have better sex. They enjoy it more and the woman got aroused more easily and was more likely to orgasm. These couples also tend to have stronger and happier marriages. So get over the weird term and learn to be fully involved in sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sometimes wonder why good sex is so complicated!

Resources:

J Sex Marital Ther | The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem

PsyPost | Mindfulness during sex linked to improved sexual well-being and orgasm consistency in married couples, study finds

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