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Do you get frustrated because every hug or snuggle turns into sex, or him wanting sex, or being poked by his hard-on? You’re not opposed to sex, but can’t you sometimes get some touch without sex once in a while?

I have some suggestions to help you get what you need, but let’s get on the same page first.

If your husband has a normal sex drive and likes you, most of what you see as non-sexual touch is going to tweak him sexually. That doesn’t mean he has to act on it, but if you get upset at him reacting as God made him you don’t have a reasonable expectation. 

If a man is having regular sex with his wife, mild arousal that goes nowhere isn’t a problem. If sex is infrequent and he was horny to start with, contact with you just makes the situation worse for him

And finally, a hard-on means his body is somewhat aroused. It doesn’t mean he needs sex or even that he wants sex. Feeling his bulge up against your body makes the hug better and sometimes that’s all he wants. Don’t get upset by an erection if he doesn’t try to do anything with it or ask for sex. In those cases either he’s not looking for sex at that moment or has chosen to not chase sex because he wants to give you what you need.

Based on all this, expecting “non-sexual” touch when he feels overdue for sex is asking a lot. If I were talking to your husband I’d tell him he should do it, but I’d also acknowledge it would be difficult and a sacrifice. If you need non-sexual touch when you know he needs sex, I’d suggest being honest about the situation. Let him know you understand what he wants and then explain what you want. Let him know if he can expect to get what he wants after some non-sexual touch. Of course, that’s going to be difficult for both of you, because you know he’s just waiting to get naked.

If this is a common problem, I suggest you select a piece of furniture that is for non-sexual touch only. Tell him you understand he will sometimes get aroused, but ask him not to act on that in any way. If you’re good about meeting his sexual needs in general, this could work very well.

Afterglow is a great time for non-sexual touch. Of course, this means you both have to stay awake. And if you need non-sexual touch before wanting sex, this isn’t a solution.

You could try diffusing his sex drive. Join him in the shower and wash his penis until he comes. Or give him a handjob before he gets in the shower. Then ask for non-sexual touch after he towels off. Another version of this is taking care of him in the morning so you can snuggle that night, or doing it at bedtime when you can spend some extra time in bed the next morning.

My suggestion is to have an honest discussion about this. Tell him you see his sex drive as valid and you understand being horny makes it difficult to be close to you and not get sexual. Then let him know that no matter how great sex is, sometimes you need non-sexual touch. Let him know it’s okay if he gets aroused doing that, as long as he doesn’t chase you down for sex. Ask him if he sees your need for nonsexual touch as valid and something he should provide for you. If both needs have been explained and accepted, you can then work on ways to take care of both. The suggestions above might help or brainstorm your own solutions. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like sex sandwiched between two times of non-sexual touch.

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