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In the comments on my That’s Not Respect! post, someone pointed to This particular feeling is EXCRUCIATING for men by Shaunti Feldhahn. In that post, Shaunti answered a woman who said when she offers an opinion or suggests a solution, her husband “goes ballistic”. Shaunti explained that men have “a lot of hidden self-doubt.”  She went on to say that in “many cases, when a man is trying to get something done, the issue is not really about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether [the wife thinks] he’s adequate to solve it.“

I don’t disagree with what Shaunti said about men in her answer. Most young men have a lot of self-doubts, insecurity, and fear. Some men outgrow this and sadly some don’t.

What struck me was that Shaunti didn’t address the word “ballistic” in the question. It could be the woman who asked the question was exaggerating for effect. It’s possible she saw it as ballistic because it was so beyond what a woman would do in the same situation. However, if this woman’s husband is really getting angry, that’s not about his self-doubts or respect; that’s about his lack of self-control and it may be a warning sign of abusive behaviour.

I think it’s great to learn why men react like this and find ways to make things less difficult for him. But that should be a temporary thing as he gets past his fears and self-doubts. Expecting you to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life because of his problems is neither reasonable nor biblical. (And for the record, I’m sure Shaunti would agree with me.)

Of course, a guy who has these issues is far more likely to hear disrespect where none was intended. And both of you should work on that part of the problem. How we say things matters and sometimes it matters a lot. He’s not a woman and he hears and processes things differently than women do. If you sound exasperated, he will hear disrespect. Impatience can cause the same reaction.

Of course, the bigger issue is he won’t hear disrespect if he feels sure that you respect him. If he knows you see your marriage as “us against the world” then he will find it easy to give you the benefit of the doubt when what you say or how you say it could be taken as disrespect. So my advice is to work hard to assure him you do respect him. Not just when he doubts it, but all the time.

~ Paul – I’m XY I don’t doubt my wife’s respect for me one bit.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Pride and fear ◄ Women do this too, but I think men more so.

CarlislePhoto by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash 
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