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So I swim half a mile once or twice a week, depending on the season. I swim at a physical therapy pool that makes a lane or two available by reservation. These same lanes are also used for swim lessons. You get a lane for half an hour.

I’ve had issues with one of the female physical therapists. Most recently the female swim teacher had finished a lesson and had another kid coming over. They were setting up a second lane and I asked the swim instructor which lane she preferred. She said it didn’t matter. Before I could say I’d take the new lane, my PT nemesis said “She gets this lane, you have to swim there!” I made a polite offer to give her the lane of her choice and she said she had no preference. So why did the PT lady get involved?

My first run-in with this woman was when I had about a minute left to swim. As I turned for my last half lap, she yelled “Your time is up, it’s her turn!” pointing to the lady walking for the stairs. At this point, I’d been swimming twice a week for months. I had never run over my time and I always finished with a fast half lap and got out at the far end of the pool. I had plenty of time to finish and get out, so why the yelling?

Based on these and a couple of things I’ve seen her do with others, I believe she feels it’s her job to protect women from men. All women, from all men. I’m sure if I knew her life I would see the reason she assumes all men are dangerous, but she has judged me without facts and is “helping” women who didn’t ask for her help. The swim instructor clearly thought her behaviour was weird.

I’ve just let it go. I’m sorry she’s uptight and I’m not going to make it worse by complaining to her boss – who I get along with just fine.

Yes, there is a marriage issue here. If we don’t deal with our past, it controls what we do today. We see others as the person who hurt us or someone we care about. That makes us say and do unreasonable things and look a bit crazy. We hurt people and mess up our relationships. We inject ourselves into situations where we’re not wanted and generally cause problems. We particularly hurt our spouses and our children.

You will notice the last paragraph was gender-neutral. My example is a woman who has a problem with men, but men do the same thing. If your husband’s past is getting injected into your marriage that’s as destructive as your past being injected. 

Start with yourself. Where does the way you treat your husband not make sense for who he has shown himself to be? Are you ever defensive for no reason? Are there places where you never give him the benefit of the doubt? Do you ever consider him guilty unless he proves he’s not? Do you have knee-jerk reactions to things he says or does that don’t have anything to do with him? This kind of stuff is a result of something in your past. Your husband can’t fix it because he’s not the problem. If you can’t deal with it yourself, get help.

Once you’re dealing with your stuff, think about him. Does he do any of the things I mentioned above? If you’re not sure, ask someone who knows both of you. Not to accuse hubby, but to ask if they think his treatment of you seems to be valid for who you are and what you say and do. If you see places where he seems to be treating you a certain way because of his past, look for a chance to gently ask him why he does what he does. Ask him if you have given him reason to think or act as he does. If he says yes, ask him for a recent example.

If you can get him to see he is painting his past on you, ask him to deal with that. If he can’t, ask him to get help.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and Lori and I have been working at this for decades.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Only human ◄ Don’t expect too much from yourself.

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