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For much of my life, my sexuality felt like a burden.

It started at puberty when I was suddenly horny ALL. THE. TIME. I woke up horny, went to bed at night horny, and was horny all the time in between.

Then there were the unwanted erections… in public. One stray thought about sex or an even mildly sexual sight, and it was on.

Fortunately, the erection thing stopped after a couple of years. But I was still horny ALL. THE. TIME. It’s no fun. It’s distracting. Sometimes you wish you could turn it off for a bit, but you can’t.

There was the regular fear I would say or do something inappropriate. Strong sexual arousal affects inhibitions and self-control much like being drunk does. And when you’re horny ALL. THE. TIME. that means a lot of opportunities to embarrass yourself or make a young lady feel uncomfortable.

And then there was the porn. Yeah, I liked seeing it and enjoyed its immediate effects, but sometimes when I wasn’t looking at it there was embarrassment and disgust. I was fortunate to stop looking at porn at 15, but it continued to drive my fantasy life for another five years. And I still have those images and words in my head. I don’t think about it much these days, but they are there. When I got married I didn’t know which of my sexual desires were mine and what came from porn. And my fear of offending or hurting Lori was huge. I didn’t want my burden of being horny ALL. THE. TIME. to become her burden.

A lot of men would say their sexuality has been, or still is, a burden. Some do extreme things to stop that and they talk about how they want to be free of the never-ending internal push for sex.

All of that said, my situation improved by our fifth anniversary. As my wonderful wife got healed enough to do so, she worked at turning my burden into a blessing. That meant more than not saying no or trying to give me “enough”. She went out of her way to understand my sexuality and make it enjoyable for both of us. Yes, that’s been good in terms of release and pleasure, but what really moves my heart about what she has done is far more important than that. I feel heard, respected, loved, cherished, and valued. And I don’t feel like a monster or a burden.

If this post helps you understand how strong and often annoying your husband’s sex drive is, that’s good. If you decide to turn that burden into a blessing, that’s awesome. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope a lot of you decide to be awesome.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Husband | Friday Flashback: Lukewarm Marriages ◄ Don’t let lukewarm destroy your marriage.

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