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Lori and I often see wives doing or saying something to their husbands based on the women’s past-based fear. Her father routinely made promises he didn’t keep, so when her husband says he will do something she “reminds” him long before he said he would do whatever. She was ignored as a child, so she demands constant eye contact when she and her hubby talk. Her first sex partner made fun of some part of her body, so her husband rarely on never gets to see her fully naked.

All of these things are understandable. They are also unfair to the husband and potentially destructive to the marriage. If hubby is mature and aware he may understand why his wife is treating him as she is and put up with it because he loves her. But if he’s as hurt and immature as his wife, her past-based fears are going to make him feel accused, offended, or unappreciated.

Of course, seeing these things in ourselves is very difficult. Asking hubby is an option, but if the two of you were able to do that odds are it would have already been brought up by one of you. A friend might be able to help if you can convince her you really want her to be brutally honest with you. The best option may be a lot of prayer and introspection. If you think you have found a place where you do this, asking hubby about that specific thing is safer than opening up everything. Ask a question that can easily be answered in the affirmative and let him know you want the truth even if it initially hurts.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is becoming free of past-based fear!

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Shaunti Feldhahn | Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? ◄ Yeah, it’s a guy thing.

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