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In Monday’s post I said, “When Lori and my sex life was falling short, I had a goal in mind.” Then my tagline was, “my goal being unrealistic is another post!” This would be that post. The example I’m giving from our marriage is about sex, but the bigger issue applies to all kinds of things, so try to see past the sex.

I had a goal for how I wanted our sex life to be when we got past the problems. But what was that goal based on? I’d never had a satisfying sex life, so how could I know what it would look like? I didn’t even know how often I would need to have sex to feel it was “enough”. Again, how would I know? I’m sure my male friends would have had suggestions I would have liked, but what’s the chance any of them had a clue?

So my goal was more about assumption and arrogance than anything else. Had I demanded Lori met that goal, we might not be married and we certainly would not have a mutually enjoyed sex life!

Fortunately for me, I had an open-ended goal. As I gained a better understanding of the realities of marriage and sexuality, I modified what I expected. I also listened to what Lori thought and what she needed. In time we got to something that we could both do and enjoy.

There are many places in a marriage where this kind of reassessment and give and take are critical. And sometimes you are so far apart the only hope is for both of you to scrap your expectations and start over. 

A good way to work through such issues is to follow talking about what you want with why you want it. Work past the hard lines of your goals and try to figure out what you both really desire. If you’re making a guess at what you need because you’ve never had it, be honest about that. Then use phrases such as “I think” and “I feel” to show you’re not sure.

Finally, don’t look for a compromise halfway between what you want and what he wants. Stop seeing it as a straight-line continuum; most good compromises are not on a straight line between what the two people originally wanted.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and goals can be helpful or harmful. 

A post worth reading:

The Generous Husband | Loving My Life ◄ A bit about me, if you’re interested.

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