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I recently had a dream that I’m going to use as the basis for a couple of posts here and over on The Generous Husband. The next two paragraphs are identical to what I shared with the men, but then it diverges. 

In the dream, I was a teenager and I had a girlfriend. The girl in my dream was not my high school girlfriend, but the dream mother was the mother of my real girlfriend. The girl in the dream was a sort of worst-case version of my actual girlfriend. When she wanted to be with me, I’d better be there. When I wanted to be with her she was only available if she wanted to be together. She was controlling and manipulative, doing things for me only to get something. And while there was no sex in the dream, I knew we were having sex and that it was being metered out with an eye dropper.

In the dream, I was starting to see how wrong the situation was and I was trying to figure out what to do. In real life, I realised my relationship with my girlfriend was not healthy and I set some things in my mind that had to change before I’d consider marrying her. I also stopped letting what she did and didn’t do control me. I never gave her any demands and I didn’t stop doing things for her; I just stopped being manipulated. I guess she didn’t like not having control over me, because a few months later she dumped me.

I’ve seen plenty of wives be what I dreamed about and almost married. Some husbands do it too, but usually a bit differently. With men, it’s usually more passive-aggressive and less in your face. If you do what he wants, then he’s all about meeting your needs. If he feels you’re falling short, then when you need something he’s busy, there’s not enough money, he’s too tired from work, or he’s already promised the time to someone else.

You know what he’s doing and why, but it would be hard to prove it to someone because no individual event looks like much. If you confront him he plays dumb or accuses you of making it up. Or maybe he tried to hide behind claims of headship.

While I wouldn’t call this kind of manipulation abusive, it’s unloving and wrong. It keeps you from having the kind of marriage God intended and it’s a bad example for your children and those around you.

The solution is easy; stop playing. Do what’s right because it’s right and ignore his silent temper tantrums. Don’t withhold from him, show him he’ll get what’s right without manipulating you.

Some husbands play this game by not doing things she needs done that she can’t do herself. One option is to ask twice, then let it go. This works well with things that cause problems that make him look bad. It also works for things that will cost money. Another option is to ask for help. From your father, or his father, or a neighbour. Or hire help to get it done. If he won’t mow the yard, pay a teenage boy to do it. If he won’t fix something that’s broken get some bids to have it done and ask him which bid to accept. Yes, this will upset him. Tell him it needed to be done and he wouldn’t do it so you did what was necessary to get it done. 

Yes, what I’m suggesting could get ugly. But your other choice is to live with it. I’ve seen women put up with this and it always gets worse and worse the longer she tolerates it. If it goes on for too long, there is little chance of him changing when challenged. The sooner you confront it, the better.

~ Paul – I’m XY and marriage shouldn’t be like this.

A post worth reading:

PsyPost | “Phone snubbing” your partner can lead to a vicious cycle of resentment and retaliation, study suggests ◄ Phubbing is bad for your marriage. Who knew?

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