Podcast: Download

In Wednesday’s post, I talked about the girl in my dream using sex to control and manipulate me. I’ve never experienced this in real life, but I’ve sure heard from a lot of men who have. Or think they have.

The “think they have” part of that is what I want to discuss today. I know women say no for all kinds of reasons other than trying to control. You’re exhausted. You’ve not had time with hubby and you feel disconnected. You did have time with hubby, he was a jerk, and why would you want to have sex with him? And of course, you just might not feel like it!

Thing is, “no” is all he may hear, regardless of what else you say. This is especially true if the two of you aren’t having nearly as much sex as he would like. Telling himself you’re wrong makes him feel a little better, which motivates him to not listen.

Let me suggest the “Yes, but…” approach. Offer him some sort of sex and acquaint him with your reality. The following are some ways you could do that:

• I feel disconnected from you. I can lie here and let you, but don’t expect much.
• I’m so tired I may fall asleep. If I do, don’t wake me up.
• I’m on my period. I know you don’t care, but I’d have to get up and clean up after. So how about a hand job?
• You were rude today and I’m going to feel used. But if you really need to, turn off the light and masturbate.
• There is no way I will come. If you’re okay with that, go for it.

Yes, most of those are pretty rough. You could soften them some. The goal is to share the truth with him while not full out refusing him sex. You put the choice on him. He can have something well short of what he wants or he can be reasonable and loving and say “Maybe we can make it work tomorrow“.

If he gets some of these answers mixed with enthusiastic yeses when you’re feeling it, he might figure out that sex is more complicated for you. That could result in some good changes for you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and “Yes, but…” is powerful.

A post worth reading:

Seth’s Blog | Steady state and the trigger for change ◄ I think this is valid for marriage too.

Image Credit: © Roman | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.