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This may sound a bit condescending towards men. But as a guy who has talked to a lot of men about sex, I assure you it’s not intended that way. Male sexuality is as messed up by cultural messages as female sexuality, but we don’t talk about it as much. Men have inner scripts about how sex is “supposed to be”. We think we know what we’re supposed to want and how we are supposed to feel. Much of what we say and do is designed to make sure those things happen. We want to come across as “real men”, even if doing so doesn’t meet our real sexual or emotional needs.

Making it all the messier is the fact many men aren’t in touch with their feelings. Sex, real sex, the kind of sex God intended, is more than just what our bodies feel. The kind of sex we really need involves our emotions and our mental desires. What we’ve been told we should want and feel conflicts with what we actually want and feel, and that can cause us a good deal of turmoil. Some guys suppress what they want. Others are not able to sort out what they want from the cultural garbage they have accepted. While porn certainly makes all this worse, it’s true for a man who has never seen porn because it permeates our society.

What if you could help your hubby find his true sexual self? What if you could help him move from playing the part the world tells him to play to being the sexual man God designed him to be? Now that would be an amazing gift! And the bonus for you is that you will like God’s version a lot better. Below are some ways you can help him see the truth and make the transition.

Accept His Sexuality

Yes, I’m asking something huge here. He doesn’t accept his sexuality, and he doesn’t know what his sexuality really is, but he wants and needs you to accept it.

A good starting place is his penis. We see our penis as a representation of our sexuality, and how you react to it and treat it is a big deal. Let him know you like his penis. Not (just) lust after it, you like it. Show him this when you’re not being sexual, such as when he steps out of the shower, or you see him getting dressed. Fondle him after sex and tell him how much you enjoy his penis and what it does for you. Yes, I know some of this seems silly to you, but it will bless him.

Don’t worry, accepting his sexuality isn’t about accepting things you don’t like or don’t want to do. This is about his being sexual, not what he wants to do sexually. God gave him a raw sexual force you don’t have, and God said it was good. As you come to see God was right, you’ll be able to assure and bless your husband.

Share God’s Truth About His Sexuality

You can help him get past the lies society has told him by telling him the truth about his sexuality. He is not a monster. He is not a potential rapist. His penis is a tool, not a weapon. Sex is a gift from God and when a couple understands that they can enjoy each other in amazing ways. 

Additionally, sex is not a side event. It’s not a closed room you enter from time to time, it’s part of the fabric of your marriage. Good sex makes your marriage better, and a good marriage makes sex better.

Satisfy His Sexuality

This doesn’t mean what you may think it means. It doesn’t mean giving him whatever he wants as often as he wants. However, it does mean providing him with enough sex so he’s not running around sexually famished. If he’s under 50 (and very likely if he’s over 50) this probably means making him come at least, three or four times a week. Most men would gladly take more than that, but three or four times most weeks is enough to satisfy him. If he’s had less sex than that most of your marriage it will take time for him to get over the past, but if you keep at it, he will relax in time.

Part of doing this well is how you see it. If it’s a duty or a chore, you’re not giving him what he needs. It should be about doing something for him because you love him and want to care for him. I understand all the things you have going against you here, and I’m sorry. 

Share Your Sexuality

This one is huge, and it’s one few men get.

This is about far more than letting him see you naked. It’s about giving him free access to your sexuality. Not just access to the sexual parts of your body, give him access to your inner sexuality. Let him explore and learn about your sexuality. 

The difficulty with this one is it requires you to be in touch with and accept your own sexuality. If you’re at war with your sexuality, you can’t share it with your husband!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want sex to be amazing for both you and your husband.

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