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Lori has been listening to Jon Acuff podcasts about goals. Goals are a major tool for marriage improvement, so doing them well is important. 

Marriage goals can be divided into three categories: your goals, his goals, and joint goals.

Your Goals

The great thing about your goals is you’re in charge. You make the goal, and you work to accomplish it. You decide how to measure success. Likewise, you can modify the goal as needed on the fly. 

One thing: if your goal depends on your husband doing something, then it’s not your goal. Seeing it as your goal when he can make or break it is a sure path to frustration. Especially if he has no idea what your goal is.

His Goals

These are goals he makes. If you suggest or push him to make a goal, it’s not really his goal. Even if he is okay with it, he doesn’t have the same desire to accomplish a goal that you proposed. There’s also the possibility he agreed to the goal just to get you off his back. Rather than asking him to set a goal, ask for the change you want and let him set goals to get there.

The other thing about his goals is that he doesn’t think and work as you do. Some folks think for a long time about a goal, then do it quickly. Others chip away at goals slow and steady. Some are start and stop, with what looks like going backwards at times. If you expect him to tackle a goal the way you would, you’re going to frustrate both of you.

Joint Goals

Joint goals can lead to a major change in your marriage, but they can be tricky. Are you both on board, or is one of you just going along to avoid a fight? Have you had enough discussion to ensure you’re on the same page? What could prevent success, and how will you deal with those things? Have you set checkpoints? How will you measure success? Are you both willing to discuss modifying the goal as needed, and how will you do that?

As with all goals, joint goals should be specific but flexible. Agreeing, “We want a better marriage” or “We will have more sex this year” are not specific. What does “better” mean? How much is “more”?

Some joint goals are really one goal for you and a related goal for him. Such goals are often better handled as separate rather than joint. 

Good goals can make for a better marriage. Poorly done goals can hurt your marriage.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and goals can be a double-edged sword.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Reconnecting with ourselves ◄ A great time for looking at goals.

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