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I said last week that pornography and sex are not the same thing. Most men fail to understand this, to their detriment.

Sex should be an enjoyable part of a relationship. It involves not just the couple’s bodies, but also their emotions and thoughts. It is not an act or acts, but a melody that flows through their marriage.

Porn is disjointed images of sexual body parts.

Why does porn grab men? Because it has been carefully designed to exploit how God made men’s minds. The sight of a sexual body part grabs a man’s mind and shuts out everything else. In a perfect world, where you were the only women he ever saw naked, this would be a good thing. In a world where there are millions of naked women on the internet, this is a huge problem. Porn isn’t filmed in panoramic view; it’s close up. Not bodies, but body parts; not long scenes, but short bits of “action”. Again, this is designed to plug into his mind.

In addition to grabbing a man’s mind, these images make him feel good. They make him aroused (instantly) and that feels good to him and makes him feel manly. Two common triggers for porn use are depression and loneliness because looking at porn will temporarily make those bad feelings go away. For men, porn is a mood lifter.

It’s scary how fast a sexual image grabs a man’s eyes and mind. Even before he is consciously aware of what he is seeing, his brain is being affected by it. This is why avoiding porn can be so difficult for a man; he is influenced before he can look away. I’m not making an excuse here, just trying to help you understand his reality.

While many men will argue this, porn use is very much like overeating, drinking too much, or burying yourself in video games or television; it is an attempt to self-medicate bad feelings. The man who turns to porn because of frustration with his sex life is not looking for sex as much as he is looking to numb his pain and frustration. If he is angry with his wife, the fact that she would dislike his porn use is seen as a bonus.

But good Christian man don’t look at porn, right?

I wish it were so, but it is not.

A survey we did showed results that line up with other surveys on the issue. Based on other surveys we have done, I know our audience is almost all Christian, and most are very serious about their faith. Here are the results:

Porn use in the last two months:

• 39% said there was no intentional viewing. This was 24% who saw nothing and 15% who have seen glimpses unintentionally.
• 10% Intentionally viewed one time.
• 33% Intentionally viewed several times.
• 12% Chose to view porn more than once a week
• 4% Looked every other day
• 4% Viewed almost daily

Of the 61% who intentionally looking at porn, 30% said their wife has no idea they are doing so. Only 13% said their wife knew they look at porn, and knew how much they look at. Only twenty-four percent of wives think their husband is currently looking at porn. Twenty-six percent are sure their husband is not, and 41% say he did in the past but no longer does. We did not survey husbands and their wives, but again this discrepancy has been seen in other surveys.

Only 8% of men say their wife is okay with their porn use, or would be okay with it if she knew. Forty-five percent say she is or would be very upset.

Of the 61% of men choosing to use porn, 16% say they are out of control, 23% say it is hurting their sex life, and 7% say it has reduced their desire for their wife. However, 24% say it is totally separate from their sex life with their wife, and 9% think it is helping their sex life. Twenty-three percent feel porn is hurting their marriage, and 47% say it is hurting their spiritual walk. Sixty-five percent of all men said it is always sin to look at porn. 

Bottom Line: Porn use is a big problem for men in general, including those who are following Jesus. 

Please don’t despair over these statistics. I wanted you to understand how common and difficult this issue is for men. Next I will talk about what you can do.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and a marriage can survive porn use.

[This post first appeared Mar 15, 2014.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | The hand we’ve been dealt ◄ Good or not, it’s what we have.

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