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Lori and I were talking about the struggle so many couples have over sex. She said sometimes a woman knows her husband’s reason for seeking sex isn’t so great. Perhaps he’s asking because he’s bored or uptight. Maybe he’s trying to reassure himself his wife loves him or that his marriage is okay. It could be he just thinks she might say yes now, but not later.

All of these can happen. I’ve been guilty of some of them in the past. But what that truth misses is he very well might also be horny or want to connect with his wife. He may have some less than ideal reasons for seeking sex, but also want it for some good reasons.

The reality is, a lot of men under forty are sexually aroused enough to want and need sex pretty much all the time. He may also want the intimacy of sex. Or maybe he’s not horny at all, but he needs the intimacy and knows sex will do that.

If you accuse him of wanting it for bad reasons, and he wants or also wants it for good reason, then you hurt him with your accusation. If there are bad reasons mixed in, he likely won’t see them because he’s focused on the good reason you don’t see. On the other hand, if you’ve completely misjudged his motives, how do you think that makes you look to him?

My suggestion is to start having discussions about why you each want and enjoy sex. After he gives you a few reasons, ask him what else is going on. Or ask him if he has ever sought sex because he is bored or anxious or whatever you think he is doing. Help him to think about why he seeks sex. The other part of this discussion is what you see as good reasons for sex, and what makes you feel used.

If he was completely honest about his reasons, might there be times you would be okay with doing something because he was honest, even if the reason was iffy? If so, let him know that. It will be easier for him to be honest with himself, and then with you, if he knows it won’t cost him every time he does it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex should be easier!

A post worth reading:

The Generous Husband | Friday Flashback: She Wants You To Want More Than Orgasm ◄ My rerun post on TGH today is a great fit for this discussion.

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