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Men and women are different in many ways, and that is especially the case in terms of sexuality. How we think, feel, and function sexually is even more different than how our sex organs differ.

These differences lead to all kinds of confusion, hurt feelings, and poor sex. And all too often, the couple doesn’t understand what is happening or why. Some of this is a result of doing unto your spouse as you would have them do unto you. But since you’re a woman and he’s a man, that doesn’t always work out well.

Below are a few common issues that arise from differences in male and female sexuality.

1. He is too rough with her genitals, and she is too gentle with his. Your vulva and vagina are far more delicate and sensitive than his penis. The underside of the head is where he is most sensitive, and even that’s tougher than most of your bits. So ask him to be gentle with you, and use a firmer touch on him.
2. He seeks sex to feel close, you want sex when you feel close. Men call sex “intimacy” because it does that for them. After time apart, sex is a great way for him to reconnect. Likewise, when he is feeling distant, such as after an argument. I’m not telling you to do it his way, but if you understand his reality you should be less offended by some of his requests for sex, and better able to find a middle ground.
3. He talks about how sex feels physically, while you talk about how it feels emotionally. This easily leads to her thinking all he cares about is the physical. It can also lead him to think she’s not enjoying sex very much because she never talks about it the way he does. If you want to hear about how it feels to him beyond the physical, ask. Additionally, throw him a bone and tell him how it is for you physically.
4. He uses strong, harsh words for sex acts and sexual parts of your bodies. In part, this is related to the last one. It’s also a function of how strongly he feels about sex. If there are a few words he uses that really bother you, ask him to stop using those. Explain those words turn you off. Suggest a different word, or talk until you find one you both like. On the other side, consider occasionally using grittier words – especially in the heat of sex.
5. He likes to talk about sex ALL. THE. TIME. If he’s not having enough sex, this is in part an attempt to get more sex. But many men who get all they want do this as well. It’s a way of extending sex and taking it beyond the bedroom. Ignoring him or shutting him down communicates that you don’t like sex or don’t enjoy it with him. If you’re not into talking about sex when he brings it up, suggest discussing it later.
6. He wants full nudity, bright lights, and a magnifying glass when you have sex. He is very visual sexually. Seeing you naked is a huge turn-on for him, and seeing you being sexual is ever better. Give him some of this on occasion, and go with soft lighting other times. If it really messes with your arousal or enjoyment, offer him some up close nudity when you do something just for him.

None of this is meant to imply his way is right or better. Your feelings are just as valid and important as his. It’s wrong and hurtful for either of you to be continually denied what you want, how you want it. Doing some of both will take give and take and practice, but it will improve sex for both of you. Even better, it will improve your relationship.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and when you find the balance it’s a beautiful thing!

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