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A New Zealand psychologist named Jessica Maxwell has coined a couple of useful terms to describe what we believe about our sexual relationship. If you have a sexual growth mindset, you think sexual satisfaction takes effort and work. If you have a sexual destiny mindset, you think a couple is either sexually compatible or not, and this determines how good or bad their sex life will be. Maxwell says her studies show a lot of folks believe in the destiny or compatibility version of sex. And that’s a problem.

While a sexual growth mindset says “good sex takes work”, a sexual destiny mindset says “good sex just happens – or it doesn’t”. It’s easy to see how that second one would prevent a couple from improving their sex life. The destiny mindset is more open to cheating. If sex is bad at home, there’s nothing you can do about it, so look for a better match. Studies have also found the destiny mindset means a person is less inclined to work to make sex better. Another study found that women who perceive their husband to have a destiny mindset have lower sexual satisfaction.

What is your sexual mindset? If you have a sexual destiny mindset, that’s limiting and likely hurting your sex life. If you think your husband has that mindset, that’s also a problem. The good news is you can change your sexual mindset. This matters because those who think sex can get better are more likely to work to make it better, and those who work at sex are rewarded with better sex.

If you think either you or your husband has a sexual destiny mindset, I suggest talking about it and working to change that.

~ Paul – I’m XY and most sex problems are about what’s going on between our ears, rather than between our legs.

References:

Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction
How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being
Viewing Sexual Desire as Stable Versus Fluid: The Impact of Implicit Beliefs on Women’s Coping With Sexual Desire Problems

~ Paul – I’m XY, and most sex problems are about what’s going on between our ears, rather than between our legs.

A post worth reading:

Shaunti Feldhahn | “I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work” ◄ The power of hope to save or resurrect a marriage.

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