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It’s been about six months since I felt uptight about sex. My previous record was maybe six days.

I want to be clear that it taking all these years to get here is not about my wife. It was about my fears and beliefs. Most of those were well established before I even met Lori. Sure, she did some things that played into my fears, but that all ended years ago.

I’ve talked to a lot of men about sex, and I know I’m not alone in this. So there’s a good chance your husband is still struggling internally about his sexuality. And for the most part, that has nothing to do with you.

So let me try to explain. At the very least, it will give you some understanding. And you might be able to help him a bit too.

Most men believe one of two lies. The first is that their sexuality makes them a monster. The second is that they have a monster in their pants.

The first lie tells them that because of their male sexuality, they are inherently selfish and dangerous. They are expected to fight it, but they know they will fail from time to time. This lie is used to justify or excuse sins, including porn use.

The second lie makes their penis an avatar of their sexuality. If they fight hard, they can keep it from doing harm. But they must be constantly vigilant. This lie can lead to a man accepting, or even seeking, a vanilla sex life he doesn’t want. He fears that doing any more will feed his monster, and it will become too strong for him. This lie also causes men to seek far less sex than they want. This can be about trying to control the monster, or about trying to protect their wife from it. This lie can lead to masturbation to try to keep the monster satisfied without letting it run roughshod over you. 

If a man is raised to believe maturation is wrong, he will almost certainly fall into one of these lies. His God given sex drive is strong and seeks regular release, and 99% of men who think masturbation is wrong still do it. Either lie explains their ongoing failure.

What a man is taught about sex by his parents, his church, and society in general can cause him to buy into one of the lies. If he pressured a girl for sex as a horny young man, that will also be a factor, even if she resisted and he stopped.

As for what you can do, counter the lie often. Tell him you like his penis. Tell him you enjoy sex with him. Thank him for orgasms. Tell him you’re glad God gave him a strong sex drive. If you do this often enough, it could help him get past his lie.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the monster is gone.

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