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I want to discuss copping versus dealing and healing.

Bad things happen to us. We get hurt by others. Sometimes it’s unintentional, sometimes it’s intentional. Some of it is once or a few times, and some happens over and over and over. Some of it has no long-term impact on us, some leaves us wounded, and some is crippling.

When we have been hurt badly, we can cope or deal and heal. The problem is, coping doesn’t fix things, meaning we have to keep coping for the rest of our lives. As a physical example, if you broke your leg and never had it properly set, you would cope by walking with a limp and some pain. Or you could have a doctor fix it correctly, which would involve more pain and recovery time, but would eventually leave you able to function as if the injury never happened.

Emotional pain is the same way. Dealing with it comes with more pain and recovery, but if you don’t deal with it, you suffer from it the rest of your life. If you get whatever help you need to deal with it, in time you can live as if it never happened.

Emotional damage hurts our marriage. It can cripple or even destroy a marriage. Often we manage to hide it well for a while, but it will usually become more powerful the longer we refuse to deal with it.

Another common issue is blaming the pain and dysfunction on someone or something other than the real source. And our spouses, being close to us, are frequently blamed for things that are not their fault. And, they get cheated because we can’t be the spouse we should be because we have not healed.

Abuse of any kind is a common cause of such difficulties. If you’ve been damaged in this way and realise you’re coping rather than dealing and healing, please get help. You, your marriage, and everyone who loves you will be better for it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and abuse is ugly

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