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We hear, “His driving scares me!” often. There are two sides to this.

How God Made You

Women are generally more cautious. They are less likely to take risks, and less comfortable with others taking risks. So you’re unnerved by driving his male friends would find perfectly safe. This is a case of different, not wrong. You don’t need to change, and I’m not suggesting you should shut up and ride in silent terror. I have learned to respect my wife’s need for less speed, and I tell other men to do the same.

How God Made Him

Men get into driving in a way most women do not. It is a skill, a challenge, and pushing the boundaries makes us feel masculine. In a world where men have few ways to feel masculine, it is easy to overdo it where we can.

However, there is something bigger going on. When driving causes stress, men react as if they were in a life or death situation. Other drivers are the enemy, and allowing them to “win” will hurt my family. Adrenaline and other hormones kick in, and calm decision-making is inhibited. We must win, because if we don’t something bad will happen. In the midst of this insanity, saying “slow down” is heard as, “I don’t care about our safety, just give up, and let them kill us.” It feels like being asked to stop digging a moat to protect the castle from invaders because it looks ugly. I’m not saying he actually thinks these things, but it’s what is going on subconsciously. 

What to do?

On this one, I think it is the man who needs to change. Causing fear, worry, or stress is not loving, and it hurts a couple’s marriage. The problem is “forcing” him to change causes him stress and makes him feel negatively about his wife. Getting him to choose to change is the best option. But how?

Go out of your way to thank him for any hint of better driving. Tell him how much you appreciate him considering your feelings. Praise him in front of others for not giving in to the crazy driving of others on the roads. If you must ask him to slow down, start by telling him you know he is in control, but the situation still makes you nervous. Ask him to do it for you rather than telling him that he is wrong or unsafe. Make it about your feelings, not his ability.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and this seems like basic kindness to me.

[This post first appeared May 28, 2014.]

Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay
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