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Let’s talk about the orgasm gap. If you’ve been living under a rock, the orgasm gap is a term used to describe the reality that when a man and a woman have sex, he is more likely to come than she is.

That’s real, and it’s wrong. But most of what is being published about the orgasm gap is rubbish. They blame selfish/ignorant men, they blame how the church has messed women up, and it’s common to see the words patriarchy and misogyny tossed around. And while all of those are part of it, combined they are not as much a cause as the one thing most articles refuse to mention. Sex is a relational act for most women. So the orgasm gap for those engaged in hooking up and one-night stands is much larger than for married couples. One study found a woman in a relationship for six months is six times as likely to orgasm as if she were having sex with the guy for the first time.

Another factor is that sex is a learned thing for women. So the older a woman is, the better her odds of being able to orgasm from anything from masturbation to intercourse. Female sexuality is also a learned skill for men, and because each woman is different, it takes a man time to learn how to rock his wife’s world. 

Another factor is the sex drive gap. If he wants sex most days, and you’re fine with twice a week, sex where only he comes may be a mutually acceptable solution. So while that contributes to the orgasm gap, it’s not a problem. That said, you absolutely should come every time you want to. If that’s not happening, how do you change it?

The best way to ensure your orgasm is for you to be in the driver’s seat. That starts with deciding when to have sex. It includes what kind of foreplay you have, and how long foreplay lasts. It also means you decide how you get off, the position you use, and if you come before, during, or after intercourse.

If you want to climax during intercourse, your best bet is being on top with a small vibrator between your bodies near your clit.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and let’s close the gap!

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