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This post is not about sex, but a sex example will make the point very well.

We’ve been passing some illness around the property. Low grade fever, minor aches, and major congestion. Lori got it far worse than I did and in addition to feeling bad, she coughed a great deal for days. Then one night, when I came to bed, she offered me sex. She was less bad, but she was not well. I hadn’t expected such an offer, and was certainly not going to ask, so she caught me by surprise.

In the past when this happened, I would say, “Thanks, but I can wait.” I considered doing that this time, but it was a real offer. An offer with a bit of sacrifice involved, but a real, loving offer. So I suggested something I knew would be easy for her, and she agreed.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Couldn’t you wait a few days?” Sure I could. And did in the past. The reason I didn’t say no thanks this time is that our relationship continues to grow.

What any of us says, does, offers, accepts or rejects in our marriage is based on a complex and ever-changing understanding of our relationship. Some offers are made with the unspoken understanding that it’s being made so it will be rejected. It’s not a real offer, it’s playing a part. And a negative response is expected. We may do something similar with apologies, offering an empty set of word with both spouses knowing the offence will be committed many more times. Or we say “It’s okay” when it’s not, or “You don’t have to do it” when they better do it.

Other times an offer is real, but there’s a cost. Possibly a big cost. The cost is not mentioned, but both spouses know what the cost is. The cost might be punitive, or based on the reality that we only have so much time and energy. So the one on the receiving end can accept or decline depending on how much they want whatever, and if they feel it’s worth the cost. And then there are quid pro quo offers; if you accept, you owe something, and you better do it when the favour is called in.

I knew Lori’s offer was genuine and based on her love for me. I knew there was no cost. And as I had been taking care of her for days, I knew it would feel good for her to do something for me.

I said above that these kinds of calculations are complicated and ever-changing. That second part is important; it means we have to keep up with changes and growth. What was a bad idea or unwise in the past might be a good thing now. And in some instances, it might be unwise to say “No, thanks”.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is wonderful and generous!

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