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Lori and I were getting some training, and the trainer went on a little rant about narcissism. I’ve done the same thing here in the past, but it’s been a number of years.

Anyone who deals with marriages in any way hears this claim way too often. And the vast majority of the time, the claim is made by those who are not qualified to make such a diagnosis. Even worse, it’s frequently made based on what is said by the spouse. And apparently even folks with proper training fall into this, suggesting to the person they are seeing that their spouse sounds like a narcissist; without having ever met the person they are “diagnosing”. 

There are a number of tests online that purport to tell you if you’re a narcissist. When answered honestly by someone concerned about themselves, these tests have been found to be fairly accurate. However, if you take such a quiz “for” someone else, or get someone to take it when they don’t want to, the results are meaningless. What’s more, having a few traits common to narcissists doesn’t make one a narcissist.

The bottom line is, most of the folks who say they are married to a narcissist are not. Without a diagnosis by psychiatrist or psychologist who has worked with the person, the claim is invalid and probably wrong. The danger of deciding your spouse is a narcissist is that it gives you cover. You can blame all your marriage’s problems on them, and pretend you’re not doing anything wrong or harmful.

If anyone tries to tell you that your husband is a narcissist, tell them to stop. While their intent may be good, what they are doing is slander. Proverbs tells us that “whoever utters slander is a fool”. Let’s not take marriage advice from fools!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and Lori is no narcissist!

A post worth reading:

The Romantic Vineyard | Learning Curve ◄ The danger of blame-shifting.

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