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I’ve said a number of times that much of what we struggle with today is because of how our parents treated us. As we try to deal with that, we need to find a balance between honesty and honour. Going too far either way gets in the way of healing.

We are taught to honour our parents, and we should do that. But lying to ourselves about who they are or were, and what they did, is not honour. If your mother screamed at you daily, then she did that. If your father abused you, in any way, then he did that. If your parents didn’t provide for you as they should have, or failed to comfort you, or didn’t prepare you for life, then they failed in those ways. You need to be honest about your parent’s failures and shortcomings so you can deal with the fallout.

On the other hand, excessive anger may indicate a lack of honour. Saying “he did as well as he could”, or “she didn’t know any better” doesn’t fix things, but they do give us necessary perspective that makes forgiveness easier.

One other thing. Sometimes we put it all on the parent who did horrible things, and give the one who allowed it a pass. If your dad allowed your mom to dress you funny, or mom allowed dad to molest you, that allowing was extremely harmful. It communicated you weren’t worth the trouble to protect, and that will affect you until you deal with it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and parenting is difficult even when we try to do it well

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai 
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