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I’ve spent a couple of posts trying to convince you that most men’s porn use is a result of being assaulted with porn at a young age. I’ve suggested many men hate their porn use. But at the same time they hide it. And the act of hiding it makes it more difficult to deal with it.

Imagine a woman who was raped by a college boyfriend who has never told anyone, including her husband. The act of keeping it hidden costs her. It also means she can’t tell hubby why certain things put her off sex, and why she can’t enjoy certain acts or positions. If she shares her trauma, and if he responds well, she would be in a much better place, and as a couple they could work on healing. While porn isn’t exactly the same, treating it much that way produces good results.

Ask hubby to tell you about the first time he saw porn. Dig a bit; ask him how he felt. For most of us, there was a mix of shame and thrill. Talk to him about the progression of his porn use. Don’t judge or make faces, honestly engage his story. Express sorrow over how finding or being shown porn messed with his sexuality.

Then ask him if he would like to be free of porn now. If he says no, there’s noting you can do. But if he says yes, even if he expresses doubt that can happen, you can help. Determine to stop attacking or shaming him. It’s fair, and good, to let him know his porn use hurts you. Tell him if he will make a real effort to stop, you will make a real effort to get past your hurt when he fails.

Ask him how you can help. Would it help if you asked him about his porn exposure each day? Would it help if you prayed for him each morning? If he suggests that more sex, or seeing you naked more often, would help, don’t reject that out of hand. Odds are it would help, but not as much as he thinks. If you provide what he asks for, then you’ll both learn how much it helps. If you don’t make that effort, hubby can use your choice as an excuse.

When he has success, celebrate it. When he fails, don’t go ballistic. Sorrow is a good response. “I know you can do it, keep trying” is a great response. Anger and sexual refusal are triggers for more porn use.

I know his porn use hurts you, your marriage, and your sex life. I also know it hurts him in many ways, including his walk with God. You’re not the only victim, and understanding that allows you to face it together, which makes success far more likely.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and he wants you in his corner

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