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Over on The Generous Husband, I got a drive by comment barrage from a woman who didn’t like an old post entitled The “Sex Is Not A Need” Garbage. She said sex is a want, and a pathetic want at that. She was unhappy about what she saw as the normalization of people unable to control their urges. She mentioned self-control several times.

I’m sorry for whatever happened to this woman that has caused her to feel this way. I doubt anything I could say will change her opinion. But I would like to address the self-control issue, as it comes up often.

Yes, there are passages in the Bible that call for sexual self-control. Most of them are aimed at singles, and all are about sexual sin. What God has to say about married sex is very different. In Proverbs 5:19 a man is told to enjoy his wife’s breasts at all times, and to be “intoxicated always” with her love. Song of Songs uses the same imagery a couple of times, including when God tells the newly-wed couple to be drunk from sex.

Unfortunately, most of us are not instructed, much less given permission, to dive into sex with total abandon when we marry. It’s difficult to go from full stop to full speed ahead, especially if you were touched by purity culture. Men’s strong drive usually gets them past this, more or less, but women often struggle. And keep struggling until they give up.

The gift I wish for you this Christmas is for God’s gift of sex to become a real gift to you. I know it’s never too late. I could tell you about the thirty-something wife who learned to orgasm and started having sex every day. We know of women in their forties, fifties, and even sixties who went from avoiding sex to wanting or pursuing it, with significant increases in desire and enjoyment.

If this sounds like an impossible dream, get help. Awaken Love does an outstanding series of classes that have resulted in huge changes for many women. Or, Lori and I do coaching for this via Zoom. You can meet with Lori, your husband can meet with me, all four of us can meet together, or some combination of those. If your relationship is in reasonably good shape, sexual issues can often be improved with just a few sessions.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want you to have a happy New Year!

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