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On Monday, I talked about how we tend to expect things from our spouse even when we’ve not shared our expectations. One big place men do this is with sex. And this can lead to frustration and hard feelings.

It helps to understand why men do this. Most men have fears about sex:

• Am I making it good for her?
• Do I want sex too often?
• Does she really enjoy it, or is she just going along because she is supposed to?
• Would she be offended by what I want?

Because of these fears, it’s common for men to ask for less sex than they want. Not just less in terms of quantity, but also what we ask for. And we downplay it when we ask for something new. We hint about something we’re dying to try and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. If we don’t get enthusiasm from our lady, we drop it.

Most guys are asking for what they think is acceptable, while wanting more. If such a guy gets everything he asks for, he still feels cheated because it’s not all he wants.

If you’d like to help him out, reach out. Ask him if he’s fully satisfied with how often you have sex, or if a bit more often would be better. Ask him what he’d like to try that you’re not doing. Listen for hedging, and nudge a bit deeper.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual fear sucks!

NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social

If you want to follow by email, you can sign up upper right on Doing Marriage Well. You will receive the last week of posts from Lori.

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