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Today, I want to apply the idea that men and women are different to sex. I’m not going to talk about sex drive. Yes, most husbands want more than their wives, but the opposite is true for at least a quarter of couples.

I want to talk about how men and women think about sex. There’s a minefield of gender differences here.

How boys and young men learn about and talk about sex is very different from how it is for girls. Boys are all about the physical aspects of sex, body parts and sex acts. They long to experiment with a girl’s body. When they’re young, they have little interest in, or capacity for, romance and love. When a boy first learns the details of a sex act, he finds it exciting and desirable. Girls are far more reserved, and sometimes apprehensive. 

This training carries over into adulthood and marriage. Men are far more comfortable with sexual words woman may find coarse or objectionable. Many men can bypass emotional connection and go straight to sex. When men talk about sex, it’s all about the physical, with little or no emotional or relational aspects mentioned. For them, sex is all about their penis and how to make it feel good.

Most men grow beyond this penis-centric sex focus. Many are well on their way to a healthier holistic view of sex by the time they marry. But that change may not show up in how they talk about sex. Old habits and patters may continue well after they no longer represent what is going on in his mind. He sees nothing wrong with how he talks about and asks for sex, not realising his words no longer express what he is feeling. And his ability to separate sex and emotion means he can easily have sex when you’ve not had time together this week, or are upset at each other.

I’m all for you working on how he talks about sex. But I suggest you start by getting past the words and understanding his heart. Is he really sexually selfish, just looking out for his penis? Or does he want sex to be great for both of you? Is sex just a physical act for him, or does he see sex with you as a wonderful part of your marriage that goes well beyond your bodies?

Don’t let how he learned to express his sexuality as a teen fool you. Find out what’s really going on in his mind.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and talking about sex can be difficult! 

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