The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Valentine’s Day Sex: A Special Gift for Your Husband
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Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope hubby comes though, however that would look for you.
I also hope you come through for him, however that would look for him. And yeah, for most husbands, that means sex.
I know, I know. But it is a holiday to celebrate romantic love, and expecting sex to be part of that doesn’t seem outlandish.
If it’s been a sore subject in the past, get in front of it this year by texting him what sexual thing you plan to do. If you have tended to avoid sex because he expects it and that feels wrong, change it this year. If you have said no because he doesn’t meet your Valentine’s Day dreams, be the bigger person this time. And if tomorrow is really impossible, let him know how you will make that up to him over the weekend.
From a hand job, to a quickie, to sex going well past midnight, do something for him. He’s worth it, isn’t he?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want your hubby to be looking forward to next year!
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WBW: Unwrappable Gifts: What Your Husband Really Wants for Christmas
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Do you know what your hubby really wants for Christmas?
Odds are, some of what he most wants can’t be put into a box and wrapped. He might want peace in the home. Maybe he wants more time with you. Perhaps he wants to have everyone over for the Super Bowl. An occasional quickie or you initiating sex once in a while might be on his wish list. Is there an adventure he’s been trying to get you to go on with him?
If what he really wants can’t be wrapped, give it to him in the form of a gift certificate. We have some gift certificates over on the TMB site. You can download them as doc files and fill in your gift before you print, or you can download and print the PDF format and write in your gift idea. Cut them up, put them in an envelope, and you’re all set. By the way, there are sex coupons at the bottom of the page if you want to mix in some of those.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like giving bits of paper
[This post first appeared Dec 19, 2014.]
We’re still looking for donations. If what Lori and I do blesses you, please consider tossing a few dollars our way. THANKS!
Image Credit: © The Marriage Bed
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WBW: The Power of Gratitude: Transforming Your Marriage and Life
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In the States, Thursday is Thanksgiving. Regardless of where you reside, it is beneficial to count your blessings and express thanks. Science has been studying gratitude for a number of years*, and has found gratitude helps us physically, mentally, and socially. Studies looking at couples find those who practice intentional gratitude have better marriages and far less divorce.
Learning to feel and express gratitude results in you being happier, and it makes you a better person. Some suggest taking a few minutes each day to write down three to five things for which you are grateful. If you want to see changes in your marriage, do this specifically about your husband. It may be difficult at first, but you should be able to find a few small things. The next step is to express your thanks to your guy for the things for which you are grateful.
Here are a few of the things for which I am thankful:
- Jesus died and rose for me, so I might be reconciled with God.
- My wife’s integrity.
- A new grandchild!
- Our Life Group at church, what an awesome bunch of people you are!
- My wife’s lifelong journey of healing and growth.
- My son married a fine young woman with a family I would want to spend time with even if we were not related.
- The maturity and wisdom I have gained over the last year, and the ways my growth has made my life easier and better.
- Close, true friends who know me, love me, and hold me accountable.
- Sex has become a source of joy and connection in our marriage.
- A dream for the future.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have so much for which to be grateful!
To read more about gratitude, check out:
Why Gratitude Is Good | Greater Good
Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage? | Psychology Today
The Grateful Brain | Psychology Today
[This post first appeared Nov 26, 2014.]
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Beyond Frequency: Understanding Your Husband’s True Sexual Needs
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I want to extend our discussion of needs to sex. But before you roll your eyes, and click away, this will not be the typical “He needs more sex” rant.
I’d like to suggest most men have no idea what they need to be sexually satisfied. How could they? Most men come into marriage with a decade or more of a raging, unmet sex drive. Even if he was sexually active before marriage, that was lacking in many ways. Unless a man has been sexually satisfied at some point in his life, he can only guess what it would take. And most men’s guesses are skewed by their culture, their friends, and media.
If he doesn’t know what he needs, how would you be able to figure it out? Well, for starters, you probably have fewer wrong ideas about it.
Below are some things a man needs to be sexually satisfied. Most men are all about frequency. While that’s important, quantity of sex will never leave him satisfied. And if you do well at these other things, a lower frequency will take care of him.
- Your enthusiastic involvement: This is huge. He needs sex to be something the two of you do and enjoy together. Even if he’s sometimes the only one who climaxes, he needs you to be present and engaged. Initiating is one way to give him this, but he also needs you to take the lead at times, and to make suggestions and requests.
- Your feedback: In some ways, this is an extension of enthusiastic involvement. He wants to know you’re enjoying it! He also wants to learn how to make it better for you. Communicating this in the moment is great, if you can do it. But later works too, be it during afterglow or the next day.
- Give him an eyeful: He wants to see your body. He wants to see it close up. He also enjoys seeing you in sexy lingerie, or giving him a quick peek at a breast, your panties, or something more daring outside the bedroom.
- Variety: There are a few men who will be happy with the same sex over and over. But most crave a certain degree of variety. It doesn’t have to be wild or weird. Changing your position, starting on the couch, or a different time of day are all good ways to mix it up.
- Speed control: Most men have at some time felt desperate to climax. Some have felt that way every time for years. This can make fast their default speed. If he’s having enough sex, going slow will make it better. At least on some occasions, he needs to go slow and enjoy the ride.
- Pampered: Once in a while he needs to lie back and let you do it for him. That’s easier if he’s the only one who is going to climax, but you can make it happen when you both want to come. When you do this, tell him that is what is going to happen so he can relax into it. And yes, you need him to do the same for you on occasion.
I know a lot of women think they will never be able to sexually satisfy their husbands. And some have stopped trying because they think that. Please know you can do it. And it will make you his hero!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual satisfaction is about way more than how often
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Understanding and Meeting Essential Marriage Needs
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Let’s talk about needs. And let’s start with a definition:
A need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy life. ~ Wikipedia
Since we’re talking about marriage here, let’s modify that definition just a bit: A need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy marriage.
What do you need for a healthy marriage? You need a deep level of communication and openness. You need to be told and shown that your husband loves you in ways that speak to you. You need to know he’s got your back, and you need to feel he respects you. You could survive without any of these, but if any of those are missing, your marriage will not be healthy, and it might not survive.
Your husband also has things he needs to have a healthy marriage. He probably puts sex at the top of his list. And while that is important, he also needs other things, including all the things I just said you need. A guy who is frustrated about sex will tend to ignore those other needs, to his detriment. And he may roll what he feels from not having those other needs met into his sexual frustration. And when that becomes a habit, a man may keep doing it even when the sexual issues get better.
If there’s not enough sex, covering everything else won’t resolve that. But making sure he gets those other things will help him. Giving him things he needs that he doesn’t know he needs is a very loving choice.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and man does not live by sex alone
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Keeping Intimacy Alive with Hubby During the Holiday Rush
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Are you neck deep in Christmas crazy yet? Is that keeping you and hubby from having time together? Not time shopping, or decorating, or otherwise preparing for Christmas. I’m talking about time emotionally connecting with each other.
And while it might be a challenge, try to find time the next few days for sex. If you manage the connecting first, it could be sex for both of you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and taking three boys 5 to 10 out for dinner and to drive by Christmas lights is as crazy as we get!
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The Christmas Tree I’ve Always Wanted
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So we got our Christmas tree up. And when I say up, I mean it literally.
I’ve always wanted to do an upside-down Christmas tree, and we finally did it. I say we because Lori was all about it. She helped me attach it to the ceiling, and helped to decorate it. She says she likes it, which I believe. But it’s not something she would ever do on her own.
Decorating has always been the domain of the wife. Most men are fine with this, and many of us know the house looks far better than it would if we did the decorating. Still, we’d like to be included beyond doing the heavy lifting. It’s our house too, and it should reflect us somewhat. Even if our ideas are totally upside-down.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m still working on the upside down end table and lamp.
Image Credit: © Pul H Byerly
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WBW: Give Hubby the Gift of Quality Time and Connection
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Do you know what your hubby really wants for Christmas?
Odds are, some of what he most wants can’t be put into a box and wrapped. He might want peace in the home. Maybe he wants more time with you. Perhaps he wants to have everyone over for the Super Bowl. An occasional quickie or you initiating sex once in a while might be on his wish list. Is there an adventure he has been trying to get you to go on with him?
If what he really wants can’t be wrapped, give it to him in the form of a gift certificate. We have some gift certificates over on the TMB site. You can download them as doc files and fill in your gift before you print, or you can download and print the PDF format and write in your gift idea. Cut them up, put them in an envelope, and you’re all set. By the way, there are sex coupons at the bottom of the page is you want to mix in some of those.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like giving bits of paper
[This post first appeared Dec 19, 2014.]
Giving:
Lori and I are still working on our year-end donation goal, but today I want to put another giving opportunity in front of you. The Humphrey family in Rutherford Country, Tennessee has done a lot of foster care and adoption. I often hear those on the left say pro-life folks only care about the unborn. I know that’s not true, and this is an opportunity to prove that. If everyone reading this donated $10 we would more than triple what they have raised. And if you all shared this cause on social media, we could help them reach their goal. Go to https://www.gofundme.com/f/humphreyhome to learn more and give.
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