The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Unspoken Expectations in Marriage: When We Don’t Ask But Still Hope
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Just me stressing because I created a schedule in my head that my husband isn’t following, even though I never told him about it. ~ Seen on the Internet
Have you ever gotten stressed, or gotten mad at your husband, because he wasn’t doing something you never asked him to do?
I think sometimes we do this because we know what we want is unreasonable, or won’t be well received. But if we still expect it, we’re hurt when it doesn’t happen.
If you can’t let go of it, then you need to own it. Tell hubby, “I don’t think it’s reasonable, but I wish _______.” If he decides he can do it, great. If not, at least he knows what’s going on. And voicing it might help you let go of it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, men do this too.
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Judging His Faith Hurts Your Marriage
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Last week over on The Generous Husband, I talked about men who make their already rocky marriage worse by getting Hyper-Spiritual. Or pseudo-spiritual, as one fellow suggested better described it.
I’ve not seen this as often from women, but I have seen it. In women, it seems to be more of a drift than a hard turn.
If you think your husband’s spirituality is lacking, you are in dangerous territory. If you think most of your marriage problems are because he has fallen away from the Lord, your marriage is in dangerous territory.
I realise some marriages are in trouble because of the husband’s lack of faith. I also know that for every case where this is correct, there are several where the wife is judging different as wrong. We’re not all the same, and that includes how we relate to God. A person can be very serious about God and not drip Bible verses or pray out loud multiple times a day. And some folks who wear their Christianity on their sleeve are as fake as a three dollar bill.
The real problem with questioning his spirituality is that it will probably do more harm than good. It’s unlikely it will cause him to follow God more closely, and it will damage your marriage.
As I said to the men, if you’re not giving grace and forgiveness at every turn, you’re not treating your husband as Jesus would have you treat him.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and let’s not even talk about finding anointing oil in odd places…
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Hubby Deserves Better Than Autopilot
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We are creatures of habit. Some of us more so than others, but it’s a human trait. Habit can be a powerful thing. It allows us to do simple tasks without having to think about them. This means we can walk and talk on the phone at the same time. It means we can listen to the radio while we drive.
In a way, our ability to function from habits is a supper power. But habits have a dark side too. We’re not fully aware when we function from habits. That means we’ll miss changes or new information. It means we can’t moderate our behaviour based on the situation. Habits are one size fits all, and that’s not always appropriate. I’d say it is NEVER appropriate with our spouses.
Autopilot isn’t good for your marriage. Your husband deserves your full attention. And yes, you deserve the same from him. But he’s not here, so I’m going to talk to you.
Love considers the circumstances before it acts. It looks at the mood of the other person. It considers the kind of day they’ve had, and if they might need extra care or grace. Habit won’t allow you to do any of that.
Reacting the way you should will often mean stopping what you’re doing so you can focus on hubby. It might mean asking him for a couple of minutes to get to a good stopping place so you can do that. And honesty, that will be an inconvenience at times. But it’s what he deserves. What’s more, if you model it for him, he might do it for you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, my wife is more than a habit!
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Taking the ‘El’ Out of Noel for Better Holidays
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I suspect you’re aware we’re heading in to two months of back to back holidays. Does me reminding you about that bring dread?
Holidays can be great, but it’s easy to do too much. That can make the holidays less fun, or no fun at all. Having too many expectations dropped on you is an issue. Then there’s family, both yours and his. And just between us, most of these hit woman harder because you’re expected to do too much, put up with unacceptable behaviour, and smile the whole while.
So I want to suggest that this year you take the el out of Noel. IOW, say no. Say it early, and say it often. But don’t just reject everything; be strategic. Pick and choose so you can bless others, enjoy yourself, and not hate your life by the middle of December.
It would help to talk with hubby about this. Get him on your side before the crazy starts. It might be good to tell him that all work and no play is bad for your marriage in general, and your sex life in particular.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want my wife to enjoy the holidays!
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We Need to Teach God’s Truth About Sex
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Every so often, a comment made on one of the blogs really hits me. This happened a couple of weeks ago when a wife said:
I feel like God has designed me to be a tool to meet man’s [sexual] “need”.
Those words made me very sad. I’m sad for her, and for her husband. I am also mad. Mad at the culture and church that taught her she is little more than a self-warming place for her husband to deal with his sex drive.
There is no easy answer for women who feel like this. I would agree with those who say we need to educate boys so they don’t expect their wife to be their sex toy. However, I’ve talked to couples where he doesn’t feel this way, and she does, so it’s not just men who need better education about this.
If we would just teach the Bible, we could end this. Song of Songs is abundantly clear that both the bridegroom and the bride enjoyed sex. They enjoyed it with great abandon, and couldn’t get enough of each other sexually. But to teach this, we have to get over our fear that it will somehow cause our unmarried children to have sex. We think if they get the idea that sex is enjoyable, they will run out and do it with anyone who is willing.
Here’s the thing. The world is yelling about how great sex is. Their friends are telling them how great it is. And their hormone infused bodies are screaming for it. Nothing we share from God’s Word could make them any more interested in having sex. However, if we teach them it’s great IN MARRIAGE and explain how jumping the gun can make sex far less enjoyable, we give them a reason to wait. If we further tell them masturbation is God’s way of escape from the temptation to do it now, we give them a realistic celibate path to marriage. Still not an easy path, but one that seems possible. I know folks who were taught that, who did wait.
The reason there is no easy answer is because of our fears and embarrassment. Sadly, our kids pay the price for those things. We need to do better!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I pray for that woman, and so many others like her.
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Who Are You to Tell You Who You Are?
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I recently heard a song called Netflix Trip in which the singer talks about how he has learned how to behave based on the Netflix shows he has watched. It’s a cleaver song, and it asks a frightening question: Who am I to tell me who I am?
I mean, who would have the audacity to think they can decide how to be? Society has given us plenty of clues about how we are supposed to be, all we have to do is comply.
Of course, it’s not just society. When we were growing up, our parents did the same thing. And if you’ve spent much time in Christian culture, you know they have their version of who you should be. How you should look, what kind of home you should have, how many children you should have, and how you should raise those children is all prescribed. What you must do and own to be successful, how you should treat your husband, what you should do sexually, and how often you should do it, are all predetermined. If you get too far out of bounds, someone is going to mention it, and if you don’t fall in line, there will be repercussions.
I could tell you God has a perfect plan for your life. But today I want to focus on encouraging you to stop listening to all the other voices. Next, start believing that what you feel is right for your life is probably a lot closer to God’s will than what others think.
Being who God made you to be will result in you being a lot happier. It will make your husband and kids happier. And it will allow you to do the things God has called you to do and love on those He puts in your path.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and being you is a good thing.
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Rethinking the “Necessity” of Dual-Income Families
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I recently saw this on social media:
We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and to raise children as if they don’t work.
I’m betting some of you resonate with that.
Not that long ago, this was not the case in the Church. In fact, we looked down on women who didn’t stay home with the children. And that wasn’t right or helpful. Today, most folks in and out of the church accept the reality that a family needs two incomes.
I question how real that “reality” is. Yes, it is a fact for some. And it’s not necessary for some. But I think there’s a group who are doing it because it’s what is expected of them. Yes, if we want to live the way others live, then it requires two incomes. The real question is do we want to live like others live? Or to get really rude about it, is that how God wants us to live?
It’s not my place to answer those questions for anyone other than myself. I bring it up in hopes that some of you who have not considered this will do so. If being both a mother and working a full time job is a major problem for you or your marriage, how might you as a family change that?
And if you’ve done this, please share what you have learned in the comments.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, it’s difficult.
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When You’re the Victim of a Smear Campaign
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I first mentioned the book Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life just after it came out two years ago. Someone commented that over half of the reviews on Amazon are strongly negative, and asked if I had read the reviews. I had not. But I had read the book, so I felt I was on solid ground, giving it a strong recommendation.
I did some digging on the negative reviews and found they were the result of a smear campaign against the book. Only one of the 36 one-star reviews were Verified Purchasers, and as someone who had read the book, it was obvious many of those attacking it had not read it.
I bring this up because most of us have been on the receiving end of a smear campaign in our lives. Lori and I have been there several times, and it’s no fun.
Here’s the thing – two years later, the Amazon rating for Married Sex is 4.5 stars. Eighty percent are five stars, and only 9% are one star. It’s easy to motivate haters, and they can claim the narrative for a while, but over the long haul they can’t drown out the truth.
Several years after Lori and I walked away from a situation where we were smeared, we got a letter from a couple who have been part of the group. They apologised for believing what they heard. It had over time become obvious that we were being lied about, and they just got caught up in group think.
All of this is to offer you two takeaways:
- If you are on the receiving end of a smear campaign, know that jealousy and hate can only claim the narrative for a time. The truth will come out.
- If you have ever been fooled by a smear campaign and turned on or abandoned someone because of that, please consider sending them an apology. It will mean more to them than you can imagine.
BTW, props to authors by Gary Thomas and Debra K. Fileta for handling an ugly situation in a most Christ-like manner.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I always recall Jesus was the victim of a smear campaign!
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