The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Unspoken Desires: How His Sexual Fears Play Out
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On Monday, I talked about how we tend to expect things from our spouse even when we’ve not shared our expectations. One big place men do this is with sex. And this can lead to frustration and hard feelings.
It helps to understand why men do this. Most men have fears about sex:
- Am I making it good for her?
- Do I want sex too often?
- Does she really enjoy it, or is she just going along because she is supposed to?
- Would she be offended by what I want?
Because of these fears, it’s common for men to ask for less sex than they want. Not just less in terms of quantity, but also what we ask for. And we downplay it when we ask for something new. We hint about something we’re dying to try and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. If we don’t get enthusiasm from our lady, we drop it.
Most guys are asking for what they think is acceptable, while wanting more. If such a guy gets everything he asks for, he still feels cheated because it’s not all he wants.
If you’d like to help him out, reach out. Ask him if he’s fully satisfied with how often you have sex, or if a bit more often would be better. Ask him what he’d like to try that you’re not doing. Listen for hedging, and nudge a bit deeper.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual fear sucks!
NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social
If you want to follow by email, you can sign up upper right on Doing Marriage Well. You will receive the last week of posts from Lori.
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Adapting Our Ministry to Changing Times: What’s Next?
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So we finished the year at just under 80% of our fund-raising goal. For the same amount we have set the last three years.
What does this mean? Based on the comments we got with some donations, what we’re saying is still relevant and helpful. The issue is blogging is an ancient platform with a rapidly shrinking user base. We’ve been aware of this for a while, and have seen indications our reach was shrinking. Based on this, we’re not surprised we failed to raise the money we were seeking.
So what does this mean for the blogs? Putting a great deal of time into a dying format seems unwise. But at the same time, we feel a commitment to those of you still here.
At this point, we’re praying and thinking. We know people are looking for audio or video, and to reach younger folks, we will have to move that direction. We’ve had some encouraging results turning parts of The Marriage Bed site into interview style podcasts. We have a lot of ideas, and I suspect there will be some trial and error.
There will still be some blogging, along with whatever new things we do. We’re also looking into an AI answer system that will make our thousands of past posts more accessible. We’re not in a hurry. I expect you will see changes in March.
And what does this mean for us financially? Fortunately, it’s not a disaster. The marriage coaching we’re doing is picking up, and should take care of us.
We covet your prayers as we make changes!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and there’s always change!
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Beyond Frequency: Understanding Your Husband’s True Sexual Needs
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I want to extend our discussion of needs to sex. But before you roll your eyes, and click away, this will not be the typical “He needs more sex” rant.
I’d like to suggest most men have no idea what they need to be sexually satisfied. How could they? Most men come into marriage with a decade or more of a raging, unmet sex drive. Even if he was sexually active before marriage, that was lacking in many ways. Unless a man has been sexually satisfied at some point in his life, he can only guess what it would take. And most men’s guesses are skewed by their culture, their friends, and media.
If he doesn’t know what he needs, how would you be able to figure it out? Well, for starters, you probably have fewer wrong ideas about it.
Below are some things a man needs to be sexually satisfied. Most men are all about frequency. While that’s important, quantity of sex will never leave him satisfied. And if you do well at these other things, a lower frequency will take care of him.
- Your enthusiastic involvement: This is huge. He needs sex to be something the two of you do and enjoy together. Even if he’s sometimes the only one who climaxes, he needs you to be present and engaged. Initiating is one way to give him this, but he also needs you to take the lead at times, and to make suggestions and requests.
- Your feedback: In some ways, this is an extension of enthusiastic involvement. He wants to know you’re enjoying it! He also wants to learn how to make it better for you. Communicating this in the moment is great, if you can do it. But later works too, be it during afterglow or the next day.
- Give him an eyeful: He wants to see your body. He wants to see it close up. He also enjoys seeing you in sexy lingerie, or giving him a quick peek at a breast, your panties, or something more daring outside the bedroom.
- Variety: There are a few men who will be happy with the same sex over and over. But most crave a certain degree of variety. It doesn’t have to be wild or weird. Changing your position, starting on the couch, or a different time of day are all good ways to mix it up.
- Speed control: Most men have at some time felt desperate to climax. Some have felt that way every time for years. This can make fast their default speed. If he’s having enough sex, going slow will make it better. At least on some occasions, he needs to go slow and enjoy the ride.
- Pampered: Once in a while he needs to lie back and let you do it for him. That’s easier if he’s the only one who is going to climax, but you can make it happen when you both want to come. When you do this, tell him that is what is going to happen so he can relax into it. And yes, you need him to do the same for you on occasion.
I know a lot of women think they will never be able to sexually satisfy their husbands. And some have stopped trying because they think that. Please know you can do it. And it will make you his hero!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual satisfaction is about way more than how often
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Encourage Your Husband to Have Fun Without You
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I recently talked about being his cheerleader. Along a similar vein, encourage him to do things for fun – even if some of those things take him away from you for a limited amount of time once in a while.
I know a wife who strongly pushed her husband to take up a martial art. It means he is away for an evening, most weeks, but he enjoys it, and it gives him a sense of accomplishment. You could do the same with hunting, fishing, sports, and so many other things. Some men are selfish about doing these things, but others are too worried about how their wife will feel. If hubby might fall into the latter camp, then encouraging him to go for it blesses him and makes you look good.
The issue, of course, is finding a balance. That will vary from one couple to another, and will change for each couple over time. There is no easy way to find the balance, but a bit of sacrifice on your part is appropriate.
And yes, he should do the same for you. If he is not, do it well for him for a while, and then let him know you need the same from him.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is all about my play time!
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Successful Parenting as a Team: Strategies for Raising Children Together
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Another of ChatGPT’s article suggestions for making a heterosexual woman a better wife was “Raising children together: Tips for successful parenting as a team.”
The word team is critical here. You must find a way to come across as a unified front. If you don’t, you will cause confusion and as your kids get older, they will play you and your husband against each other. Don’t make unilateral decisions for or about the children, and don’t argue about decisions in front of the kids.
As for how you raise them, I’m no expert. But I have some real world experience. Our kids were thirteen years apart, and the second certainly benefited from what we did wrong with the older one. That, and I was not as tightly wound. And now we live with grandsons eight and four. We let them get by with things we didn’t let our kids do. Part of that is being grandparents, but part of it is being wiser.
You can only exert so much control over a child before you cause resentment. You may force compliance when you hit resentment, but it won’t end well for the child. Good parenting means making smart choices about which hills to hold, and which are not worth anyone dying on.
Another thing to understand is that all humans want self-determination. For about a year, one of my grandsons never wore matching socks. His parents let him make that choice, because in the scope of life, it’s not a big deal. As our children get older, they need more and more freedom to be who God made them to be. The scary thing about this is they will make mistakes, and they will get hurt. Your job is to ensure the mistakes they can make are not devastating for them.
Finally, all children are different. What they can and should be allowed to do at a certain age will differ for each one. A one size fits all rule by age is easy for the parent, but it’s not fair to the children. It also doesn’t reward following the rules. Privileges should be earned or lost based on clear parameters. If that means the 14-year-old is allowed to do something the sixteen-year-old can’t do, so be it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and both my kids are alive and functional adults!
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How You Ask Why Matters
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Last week I suggested that you should ask your husband why he thinks or feels as he does to help you better understand him. One person said some Christian marriage advice has said that a woman asking why is being disrespectful. This is sadly true and I used that to do a post about what respect is and is not over on The Generous Husband. Here there was also some talk about the fact that how one asks why makes a big difference.
This is true of pretty much anything we say to anyone. Tone, attitude, body language, and other things affect how a question is understood. How we ask why can make it an honest desire to understand or a clear accusation. The former is certainly respectful, the latter not so much.
I suppose you could prepend “I really want to understand” to the front of every why. In reality, your behaviour, in general, should let hubby know if this is the case or not.
There are men who will be annoyed by their wife wanting to understand them, but most will see it as a good thing. Beyond that, if understanding him better changes how you treat him in ways he likes, he should become more interested in helping you understand him.
One potential problem is he may not know why off the top of his head. If you think that might be the case, say “Think about it and get back to me.“
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m off to a wedding!
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Keeping Girls Safe
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This post is a follow-up to last week’s post about teen and preteen girls seeing and using porn. I’m pretty sure I will be misunderheard by someone, but it’s important so I’m going to risk it.
In the past, I would have made the mistake of saying this was about modesty. But it’s not about modesty. It’s about boys who behave badly and teaching your daughters how to protect themselves from them.
The reality is some males judge a woman by how she dresses. If her attire is immodest, based on the guy’s personal standard that may have nothing to do with reality, then she is issuing an invitation. This is used to justify staring, cat calls, teasing, touching, harassing, asking for sex, pushing for sex, and taking sex. It should go without saying that this is all wrong, but just for the record, this is all wrong!
Before anyone asks, I always discuss this with teenage boys when I talk to a group about sex. I tell them nothing a girl wears, does, or says is an invitation unless she clearly spells out an invitation. I tell them some girls are afraid of saying no, or saying it forcefully, because of cultural norms. I make it clear not saying no does not mean yes. Only yes means yes. I also tell them to protect the girls around them like they would protect their sisters from guys they know are sexually inappropriate with girls.
Every teenage boy needs to hear this. I think it comes best from his mother, but at least one parent needs to have this conversation and be brutally, embarrassingly honest about it. That said, plenty of parents won’t do this, and some boys who hear it will ignore it. This makes it necessary to warn teenage girls about boys who are too pushy. When my daughter was a totally clueless young lady Lori and I warned her. Because of that, she took steps that very likely saved her some trouble – or worse.
Tell your daughters some boys see revealing clothing as an invitation to sex. Some judge certain comments and behaviours the same way. Even more important, tell them to be harsh the first time a boy crosses any line. This is no place for being sweet because a soft no is heard by some boys as encouragement to continue. If he puts his hand too high on her leg she doesn’t move it. She slaps it and tells him to knock it off. And if he doesn’t, she should run.
I’m sorry some teenage boys are this way. Most will learn to be decent men, but you don’t want your daughter to be hurt by one who has not made that transition yet.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is about preventing victims, not blaming them.
A personal note:
Lori’s surgery went as planned with no problems. She is home and I am babying her. Thanks for all your prayers.
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When It’s Needed, Confront.
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I hear a lot of complaints about the wrong things spouses are doing. But I know some of those complaints have never been made to the offender in a clear, concise way. It’s all well and good to say “He should know” or “It’s so obvious”, but if you haven’t actually said “That bothers me” or “This is a problem” then you really can’t blame your husband. I also hear “He wouldn’t listen”. Maybe he wouldn’t, but if you haven’t tried, you don’t know that.
I’ve heard it said that complaining makes if feel like we’ve done something. So when you tell your girlfriend(s) how horrible your husband is, you feel like you’ve done something about the problem. But of course, all you’ve actually done is badmouthed your husband to a third party. The Bible tells us to go first to the one who has wronged us. If we talk to others without doing that, we’re in the wrong.
Beyond this, think about it from his point of view. If you’ve never complained about it, then it must not be a major problem in your mind. Your silence has given him reason to think everything is good.
If you’re modifying your behaviour or have changed how you treat him because of something he’s done but have never actually told him it bothers you, PLEASE speak up. If it’s bad enough to change how you treat him, it really needs to be addressed.
If you’ve told him, in no uncertain terms, and he’s not changed, then you have a decision to make. Either you keep living with him and being the best wife you can be despite his failings or you issue an ultimatum. If what he’s doing justifies you not being a good wife to him, then it requires you to get help. Just living with it and doing less is wrong.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve said the same thing to men many times.
A post worth reading:
The Romantic Vineyard | In Need of Shade ◄ Throw your hubby some shade!
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