The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
WBW: Understanding Men’s Valentine’s Day Dilemma
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I know some women are not fans either, but I think men in general are more unhappy about Valentine’s Day than women in general.
The short answer to why men dislike it is “There’s nothing in it for me, and a high risk I will get it wrong and pay for that.”
Of course, that is a major generalisation, but a good many men would agree with it. Valentine’s Day seems to have become more and more about pleasing her, as opposed to a holiday for lovers. I suspect we can blame marketing to a large degree.
Men complain the holiday is all for women, focused on what they want and need, while ignoring what men like. Some have suggested they would be fine if there were a holiday for men. (Some are promoting a male alternative to V-day a month later, a day all about steak and oral sex, but I digress.)
The other big complaint is being unable to give their wife what she wants. I used to think this was just men being clueless, but then I saw guys do all the things we think women want, only to be told they failed. I suspect it is not the norm, and it is played up to make guys feel better about not really trying, but for some it’s a real issue.
Many men really don’t understand romance. To them, romance it is a secret dark art with rules they can’t decipher. Most women don’t think about love and romance the way men do; so we can do what seems good to us and completely miss it. A few well-intended misses is enough to convince a guy he’s being asked to play a game he can’t win. If he got that from a former girlfriend or two, he may have given up before he even met you.
As with most things, if you want him to understand what you want, be obnoxiously clear. Men tend to miss or misinterpret hints.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and V-day should not feel like a trap!
[This post first appeared Feb 12, 2014.]
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WBW: Navigating His Midlife Crisis
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At 53, I have not yet had a midlife crisis. This means either I’m going to live a very long time, or I just skipped it. I’m guessing the latter, and hoping it’s both!
A midlife crisis is usually a result of realising your life is half over, and you’ve not done what you wanted to do, or feeling what you have done isn’t enough. Some want to “leave a legacy” and start to worry they may not have the time to do so. Others feel they’re getting too old for some of the adventures they’ve been putting off for years. The classic image of a man having a midlife crisis is buying a red sports car and getting a girlfriend barely older than his daughter. Many men do less extreme things, while others just get depressed and give up.
If your husband is in the midst of a midlife crisis, be understanding, don’t condone sin, and hang on for a rough ride. He’s not thinking rationally at this point, and expecting him to listen to reason is going to end in frustration. What’s more, he may blame you, because who wants to blame themselves. This makes you the last person he wants to hear from. A trusted male friend has the best chance to get him to think clearly.
If your husband is nearing 40, you might be able to do some midlife crisis prevention. Talk with him about his life; what he likes about it, what he doesn’t like, and what he feels is missing. Encourage him in what he wants to do, even if it will cost both of you. Help him make some good choices now so he won’t be tempted to do something rash in the future.
And yes, once again, he needs adventure, and he needs good male friends. These things can prevent a midlife crisis.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have scheduled my midlife crisis for my 100th birthday.
[This post first appeared Oct 29, 2014.]
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Healing Together: A Compassionate Approach to Overcoming Porn
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I’ve spent a couple of posts trying to convince you that most men’s porn use is a result of being assaulted with porn at a young age. I’ve suggested many men hate their porn use. But at the same time they hide it. And the act of hiding it makes it more difficult to deal with it.
Imagine a woman who was raped by a college boyfriend who has never told anyone, including her husband. The act of keeping it hidden costs her. It also means she can’t tell hubby why certain things put her off sex, and why she can’t enjoy certain acts or positions. If she shares her trauma, and if he responds well, she would be in a much better place, and as a couple they could work on healing. While porn isn’t exactly the same, treating it much that way produces good results.
Ask hubby to tell you about the first time he saw porn. Dig a bit; ask him how he felt. For most of us, there was a mix of shame and thrill. Talk to him about the progression of his porn use. Don’t judge or make faces, honestly engage his story. Express sorrow over how finding or being shown porn messed with his sexuality.
Then ask him if he would like to be free of porn now. If he says no, there’s noting you can do. But if he says yes, even if he expresses doubt that can happen, you can help. Determine to stop attacking or shaming him. It’s fair, and good, to let him know his porn use hurts you. Tell him if he will make a real effort to stop, you will make a real effort to get past your hurt when he fails.
Ask him how you can help. Would it help if you asked him about his porn exposure each day? Would it help if you prayed for him each morning? If he suggests that more sex, or seeing you naked more often, would help, don’t reject that out of hand. Odds are it would help, but not as much as he thinks. If you provide what he asks for, then you’ll both learn how much it helps. If you don’t make that effort, hubby can use your choice as an excuse.
When he has success, celebrate it. When he fails, don’t go ballistic. Sorrow is a good response. “I know you can do it, keep trying” is a great response. Anger and sexual refusal are triggers for more porn use.
I know his porn use hurts you, your marriage, and your sex life. I also know it hurts him in many ways, including his walk with God. You’re not the only victim, and understanding that allows you to face it together, which makes success far more likely.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and he wants you in his corner
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WBW: My Response if My Husband Looked at Porn
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I asked my wonderful wife to write this based on a discussion we had. Enjoy…
Paul and I often discuss marriage related topics. Porn comes up fairly often, and one day he asked me, “How would you respond if you found out I was looking at porn?”
I laughed. That’s so not likely to happen, but then I realized he really wanted to know. My answer goes something like this.
I would start by giving him a hug. I’d tell him that I believe in him and that this is just one more problem we will face and deal with. Life is like that.
While this would certainly be a painful situation to face, I think I would major on the positives. He chose to come clean with me. He’s being vulnerable with me. He wants to fix a problem in our marriage. He’s willing to work at this.
In the long run I would encourage him to get some kind of accountability and we’d spend time talking about his life – what he’s hungry for and why he chose to feed that hunger with porn. I’d do what I could to help him look for ways to legitimately feed his hungers. (Porn isn’t always just about sexual hunger. A lot of guys turn to porn when they’re tired, lonely, bored, etc.)
I don’t want y’all to think I wouldn’t be bothered by it personally. No doubt I would have (more than?) a few private fussy moments with God. Problems of any kind suck, and porn use can be a hard pattern to break. I would probably have a moment or two being rattled that I might not be enough for Paul sexually, though I think I could set it down (over the years I’ve figured out that what people say and do is really more about them, than it is me).
While sexual problems feel more personal, a problem is a problem is a problem. I’d handle it like anything else we would face in life. Pray. Think it through. Try a few things. Reevaluate. Pray some more. Keep working on it until we feel we have dealt with the real issues and have a lifestyle that is healthy and whole (with a few safeguards in place just to keep an eye on that weak spot).
My favorite resource: False Intimacy by Dr. Harry Schaumburg (paperback or Kindle)
The subtitle is Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction. This is an insightful book that can help you understand the mechanics of porn use and how to walk toward restoration. It includes a chapter on porn proofing your kids.
I (Paul) realise some of the above is based on relationship factors Lori and I have developed, which not all couples have. That not withstanding, what she outlines would make it much easier for a man to be honest about and deal with his problem.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have a great XX!
[This post first appeared July 18, 2014.]
A post worth reading:
The Romantic Vineyard | Fairytale or Adventure ◄ A great way to look at marriage!
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WBW: Men, Work, and Marriage: Understanding His Need to Provide
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A survey we did on feeling love or respect showed an interesting dichotomy on thoughts about a man’s job.
Men said the following about how their wives could make them feel respected:
- Seeing that my work provides for our family and should be seen as more of a priority.
- Comment positively on my work.
- Thank me for going to work.
- I know she respects my work because she tells me verbally.
- …it would be nice to hear her say: …thanks for working so hard…
- Compliment my work.
Women said things like this would make them feel loved:
- Show me that I am more important than your work.
- Prioritize us above work…
Clearly, there is a difference here. While it is possible to do both, how you each feel about his job can cause him to feel you don’t respect him while you feel unloved.
One woman expressed a problem I have seen a number of times.
- He says that going to work is him showing his love, but I wish he would touch me and kiss me more.
Some men do feel that going to work is all they must do to prove their love. These men are wrong, and I tell them so. They have allowed a God given part to become the whole. Such men need to learn to show her love in other ways—ways that matter to her.
On the other side, there was this comment:
- I know he thinks work is a way he expresses love for me and our family. I try to appreciate that. But I think working mostly fulfils his own basic need to feel productive.
Men have a deep need to provide for their wife and kids. While many women work, and some do so by choice, I have never met a woman who feels the same need to work most men feel. It is not an option—we must do it. Men who are out of work feel horrible, even if there’s enough money for their family because of savings and/or the wife’s job. Without employment, he doesn’t feel like a man. I’ve noticed something similar with men who retire. They may enjoy what they do, but they feel lost. They have given up something vital for their mental health, and it costs them. I’ve seen men age rapidly after they retire, and I think it is because they no longer have a purpose in life. Some find a way around this, but most suffer to some degree.
So, yes, a man does work because he needs to do so to feel productive. This is how God made him. Wives who understand this show their husband appreciation and respect for his work. He responds to her respect by showing love. When a wife fails to show appreciation for his work, or even worse complains about his work, he feels disrespected, and he withdraws.
Of course, his work can be a problem, and you need to discuss it when it is. But starting by valuing him for his hard work will make that go much better.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and work is important to me
[This post first appeared June 20, 2014.]
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Hubby’s Monster, and Helping Him With It
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It’s been about six months since I felt uptight about sex. My previous record was maybe six days.
I want to be clear that it taking all these years to get here is not about my wife. It was about my fears and beliefs. Most of those were well established before I even met Lori. Sure, she did some things that played into my fears, but that all ended years ago.
I’ve talked to a lot of men about sex, and I know I’m not alone in this. So there’s a good chance your husband is still struggling internally about his sexuality. And for the most part, that has nothing to do with you.
So let me try to explain. At the very least, it will give you some understanding. And you might be able to help him a bit too.
Most men believe one of two lies. The first is that their sexuality makes them a monster. The second is that they have a monster in their pants.
The first lie tells them that because of their male sexuality, they are inherently selfish and dangerous. They are expected to fight it, but they know they will fail from time to time. This lie is used to justify or excuse sins, including porn use.
The second lie makes their penis an avatar of their sexuality. If they fight hard, they can keep it from doing harm. But they must be constantly vigilant. This lie can lead to a man accepting, or even seeking, a vanilla sex life he doesn’t want. He fears that doing any more will feed his monster, and it will become too strong for him. This lie also causes men to seek far less sex than they want. This can be about trying to control the monster, or about trying to protect their wife from it. This lie can lead to masturbation to try to keep the monster satisfied without letting it run roughshod over you.
If a man is raised to believe maturation is wrong, he will almost certainly fall into one of these lies. His God given sex drive is strong and seeks regular release, and 99% of men who think masturbation is wrong still do it. Either lie explains their ongoing failure.
What a man is taught about sex by his parents, his church, and society in general can cause him to buy into one of the lies. If he pressured a girl for sex as a horny young man, that will also be a factor, even if she resisted and he stopped.
As for what you can do, counter the lie often. Tell him you like his penis. Tell him you enjoy sex with him. Thank him for orgasms. Tell him you’re glad God gave him a strong sex drive. If you do this often enough, it could help him get past his lie.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and the monster is gone.
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Respect in Marriage: the Key to Deep Connection
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The word respect, or some version thereof, occurred twenty-two times in the What Your Husband Wants You to Know survey:
- Your respect and conversely your disrespect cuts to the core of who we are as men and husbands.
- Respect is more important than sex.
- We need to be respected even when you don’t feel like it.
- Unconditional Respect is essential.
- Respect their husbands and do not patronise them!
- Men have a difficult time with disrespect, especially if being put down in front of others.
- Respecting us is also part of our identity as men.
- I want her to Love and Respect me.
- Man’s need for understanding and respect – we have our insecurities too.
- Respect: Don’t speak to us like you do the kids (even if we’re behaving or acting like the kids).
Reading those, I see what a difficult task you ladies have with this one! Unconditional respect? Don’t treat him like a kid, even if he behaves like one?
The underlying issue here is that most men don’t feel respected in our society. They don’t feel respected at work. Some women make negative accusations about them just because they are men. We want home to be a safe place. So we want respect even when we’re less than perfect.
Part of the problem is the fact men and women are different. We often think differently than you think. We are more given to risk, and we do things for the pure excitement of doing them. This is not childish; it’s who God made us to be. When a man is being a man, his wife will from time to time feel uncomfortable about his actions and choices. This tension is part of God’s plan, and we need to learn to embrace it.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt will go a long way towards his feeling respected. Saying, “Go ahead, but it won’t work” feels disrespectful. “I told you so” is the same. Failure is part of how we learn and grow – can you make some room for that?
I understand the idea respect is earned. I also see how difficult to impossible that can be in a “prove yourself” atmosphere. I think there is a positional respect due to husbands. We respect a police officer, even if we think he is wrong. A similar kind of respect for one’s husband is good and helpful.
Most men feel a deep lack of respect. When you show him respect, it opens his heart to you. And that is a good thing!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and feeling respected by my wife is an awesome thing!
For more on this subject, check out Are Love and Respect the Same Thing?
[This post first appeared April 16, 2014.]
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WBW: Understanding Female Sexuality: Owner’s Manual Not Included
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Many (most?) husbands have no idea what their wife wants sexually. Those who understand they don’t know are frustrated. It’s even worse for men who do not know they do not know, and for those men’s wives.
Porn is often blamed because it teaches men things that are not true for real women. While this is a valid point, porn is just filling the vacuum of male understanding of female sexuality.
Male sexuality is simple. We know when we are aroused because erections are difficult to ignore. We know what arouses us for the same reason. Our orgasms are obvious to use and our wives. Our sex organs are easily seen and easily accessed. Beyond the hardware, our minds are also simple when it comes to sex. Things like tiredness and stress rarely interfere with the sexual desire and function of a young or middle age man. Recent arguments or a lack of connection doesn’t reduce our desire to be sexual with the woman we love. For us, getting naked is more than enough foreplay, and going straight for our sex organs is encouraged.
Women are not the same way! If a man applies the golden rule to sex, his wife will not be impressed. What he wants is not what she wants. How he wants it doesn’t work for her. Learning this truth is a start, but it doesn’t give a man any clue about how his wife wants sex. Young men eager to know how to seduce a woman grab anything that seems to offer suggestions. Porn, movies and TV, popular books and the “wisdom” of friends are amassed. Long before he has a chance to put any of it to use, a teenage boy thinks he has assembled an owner’s manual for what lies between a woman’s legs. Usually he is wrong – very wrong. (Starting with the problem of focusing between the legs instead of between the ears.)
All of this is to help you understand why your husband is so clueless about your sexuality. I hear from men all the time who want me to explain their wife’s sexual secrets.
- How do I entice her to want sex?
- How can I help her get aroused?
- Why does she suddenly lose interest or stop feeling pleasure?
- How can I ensure she has a climax?
- WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
I offer what help I can, but there’s a problem. Women’s sexuality is far more individual than men’s. What drives one woman crazy with desire, drives another woman away from sex. What arouses one woman bores another. What gives one woman screaming orgasms makes another scream, “What are you doing!?”.
You’re one of a kind, and only you can provide him with an “owner’s manual” of your sexuality. Please teach him, for both of your sake. Are you unsure what you want, or what works for you? I bet your husband would be thrilled to help you explore. Trial and error will get you there if you’re willing to give him feedback. Tell him what feels good and what feels great. Additionally, be clear about what feels just okay and what doesn’t feel good. Do the same to help him understand what gets you in the mood and what turns you off.
One other thing may be a factor in this. Some men aren’t good at admitting they don’t have a clue – especially when they think they should know something. Positive re-enforcement when he does something you like will help here. You can try to change things by saying, “When you _____ it was nice, but I wonder if _____ would be even better.”
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve become an expert on one woman.
[This post first appeared April 11, 2014.]
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