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“Let there be peace on earth in my home.” ~ Men everywhere

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.“~ Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 [ESV]

Men want peace in their home. A lack of peace will drive a man to do all kinds of things, including not coming home and even leaving home for good. I would say peace in the home is more than a desire, it’s a need. Trying to fill that need can result in problems.

• If a man feels problems can’t be discussed and dropped, he may stop bringing them up. Working through them is fine, but he doesn’t want to deal with them repeatedly. If a problem is ongoing, it needs to be discussed from time to time, but not multiple times a day.
• This is also true for financial problems. Men will hide past due notices and even eviction notices because they are unwilling to deal with the lack of peace that will follow sharing the news.
• The search for peace is a huge part of why men want a “man cave”, a place of refuge from the outside world.
• Wanting peace is why men ignore things like in-law problems and troubles the kids are having at school.
• He may not share job problems because he wants to leave them at work. If he can share it, get some sympathy and then move on, fine. Anything more is just dragging the lack of peace at work into the home.
• Needing peace is even why some men who are sexually hungry stop asking for sex; it’s just not worth the lack of peace it causes. 

I realise all of the above can be a problem, and I’m not excusing or justifying a man who refuses to deal with things. What I’m trying to do is help you understand how deeply your husband needs a place of peace, a refuge, a sanctuary. If you understand this need, you can find ways to discuss what needs to be discussed and still give him the peace he needs. You can become part of his refuge, rather than an enemy of peace.

In terms of peace, timing is everything, and it can make a huge difference. Learn when he most feels the need for peace, and when he is most able to deal with difficult situations. Another skill to develop is knowing how long to leave something before bringing it up again. I know it seems he will never deal with it if you don’t keep bringing it up. At best, this is teaching him to ignore you because he knows it will come up again shortly. If it’s not critical, let it go longer than you think is reasonable to see if he will do something on his own. If he learns you will give him time and space if he deals with things in a reasonable amount of time, he will be motivated to deal with things.

Good ways to show you understand his need for peace are to say things like:

• When is a good time to discuss/deal with ______?
• Have you had a chance to think about ______?
• When would be good to work on _______?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like my peace!

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Does your husband avoid church? Maybe this is the case even if he loves God and strives to live a Christ-like life. Truth is, the way we do church does not appeal to most men.

David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church, says churches changed during the industrial revolution. Large numbers of men went far from home to work in mines, mills, and factories. The women left behind remade churches into what women wanted. I would say much of what the women instituted was fine, even needed. The problem is, they didn’t add it to what was there; they made major replacements. They added things that attract women, and removed things that attract men. While I’m sure it was not the intention, what they did was create a church men wouldn’t want to attend. 

Murrow says most churches appeal to women and seniors, and this is exactly who we see filling the pews of most churches. Young single men are exceptionally rare. Young and middle age married men are a bit more common, but many of them are just showing up to keep their wife from complaining. Most churches don’t offer the things men are seeking: no risk, no challenge, and no adventure.

I urge you to have an open, honest talk with your husband about church. If he’s not going, or not going often, ask him why. If he’s going to church, ask him to be brutally honest about how he feels about the church. Be open to what he thinks, realising it’s valid for him. Do not try to talk him out of what he feels. He might bury it, but it won’t change how he feels.

You and your husband need to attend a church that works for both of you, a church that meets his needs as well as it meets your needs. Maybe that means being part of a change at your church. This would be my first recommendation. If your current church isn’t willing to become what a man needs a church to be, you’ll have to consider finding a new church. I don’t lightly advise this, but it may be critical for your husband’s spiritual health. If his church isn’t challenging him, he’ll find it difficult to grow spiritually. It is even possible for the church to hurt his spiritual maturity. 

BTW, this issue will become a problem for your sons as they hit the teen years. If you want to keep them engaged at church, you have to be at a church that engages young men.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the image is how many churches look to men.

[This post first appeared Oct 31, 2014.]

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