The XY Code

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Over on Quora, someone asked why women stop doing oral sex when they get married. I realise this is not universally true, but I’ve heard enough men make this complaint to know it’s a real thing.

If a woman stops doing it, I figure she never enjoyed it in the first place. The sad reality is many women feel they have to “put out” to get a guy to marry them. They may additionally feel they have to engage in sex acts they don’t desire. I’m sorry this is a consideration.

I’ve heard men call post marriage changes in sex bait and switch. And it’s hard to see it differently. I’m not suggesting you should do things you don’t like sexually, but if you had sex before the wedding and made changes after, I think you need to address it.

Start by telling him why you did things you didn’t want to do, and/or didn’t enjoy doing. Try not to put it on him, make it about your fear. Then apologise for leading him on. 

Beyond that, if you can do what you did before, in a small way or on some occasions, do so. If it puts you off sex, that’s a problem, so don’t do that. But any effort on your part will be appreciated by hubby.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex shouldn’t be so difficult!

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I was reading an article in which a thirty-something woman discussed the event that messed up sex for her. In college, she had a “friends with benefits” relation with a fellow. He showed up one night when she was deep in study. He was inebriated, and made it clear he wanted sex. She wasn’t feeling it and said no. He kissed her. She kept saying no, and he kept pushing. Eventually she decided that doing it was less hassle than getting him to leave. She didn’t think he would force her, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She thought, “We’ve had sex so many times, why not?” Afterwards, she said she felt hollow, and said ever since she’s had “a difficult relationship with sex.”

I’m upset some men act that way. He didn’t rape her, and would have left if she insisted, but he kept pushing when he knew she didn’t want it. She convinced herself it would be okay, and had sex she didn’t want. And she’s paid for that choice for more than a decade.

My understanding is most women have engaged in sex they didn’t want. I’m not talking about hubby is horny, you’re not, and you gladly do something for him. I’m not talking about sex when you weren’t interested; I’m talking about when you were really opposed to sex. And for every time that happens, there are several more where the woman had to get ugly to make the guy back off. If any of that hits close to home for you, I’ve very sorry. 

I suspect most men have no real understanding of what is, sadly, a common issue for women. 

A few action points:

1. Help hubby understand this reality. Even if you avoided it, other women he knows have not.
2. Talk to your sons about this. Explain how it makes a woman feel, and ask them to care enough to never get even close to this.
3. Warn your daughters. Let them know some guys will only stop if the girl gets ugly about it. Tell them if they have to get ugly, that’s on the guy, not them. And tell them to get ugly as soon as a guy ignores a no.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate that this is a thing

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Here in the Northwest, eggnog is a big deal. We start seeing it mid-September, and get it well into January. Lori and I love having eggnog in our morning coffee, especially with a bit of gingerbread flavour. It’s the best coffee we have all year, and we look forward to it and enjoy it to the max when we can.

So what does that have to do with sex? Don’t worry, it’s not that kind of post!

We always enjoy our coffee. We started late in life drinking coffee, and it took awhile to learn how to avoid making a bad cup. But with practice, we got there. We try new things from time to time, often imitating the special at our favourite coffee place. Those experiments don’t always work out well, but we have learned what we really like, and we have plenty of that.

Great sex takes time. No one is good at it from the get-go. You may enjoy early sex because it’s new and exciting and with someone you really love, but for the most part, early sex is poor sex. Learning how to never have bad sex takes time and practice. You can learn new things to try from various sources, which will be hit or miss. But once you know what you like, you can have plenty of that.

Part of this is learning how to read each session. What works when you’re tired or stressed? What time of the month is conducive to extraordinary sex? When should intercourse be off the menu, and when might multiple orgasms be on it?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and both eggnog and sex rock!

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