The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Transforming Marriages: Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network
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A while back, I mentioned that Lori and I had joined Aldrich Ministries so we could provide on-line marriage coaching. Today I want to let you know they are now up and running, with nine coaches and counting.
The expanded Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network (AMCN) is the culmination of a 15-year vision to bring together like-minded Christian coaches passionate about supporting couples on their journey to growth and freedom. Our team specializes in marriage, relationship, and personal healing, providing online coaching to clients around the world.
We are committed to helping our clients regain hope, grow in intimacy, and find healing in every area of life.
I’ve had a chance to talk with the other coaches a bit, and it’s an amazing group with a broad range of experience. In addition to marriage coaching, you can get women’s and men’s coaching, story work coaching, unwanted sexual behaviours coaching, and coaching for those who are engaged or seriously dating. And there will be more moving forward.
Coaching is done by Zoom, which works very well. If finances are an issue, there is a sliding scale. You can learn more from the website. If you’re interested, fill out the five-minute Get Started form. Coaches are assigned based on best fit and availability, but if you really want to meet with me, or Lori, or both of us, you probably can.
Coaching can help you make a bad marriage good, or a good marriage great. When Lori and I were struggling all those years ago, a ministry like this could have saved us a lot of aggravation and tears, and cut our healing time by years.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want you to have a fantastic marriage!
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Living with an Unbelieving Husband: A Grace-Filled Approach
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I’ve had folks ask me about how to live with an unbelieving husband. And do so in a way that points him to God.
I wonder what it’s like for a man whose wife gets saved. It should be great, but I doubt that is usually the case. There are things they used to do together, that she won’t do now. That’s appropriate for things like watching porn, getting drunk, or doing drugs. But given how we tend to go overboard when we come to Jesus, I suspect many women cut out things they should not.
Then there is the endless scolding, telling him he’s doing things he should not. He is now on his own for Wednesday dinner and Sunday lunch. And for most men, their wife’s salvation is not a blessing for their sex life.
Basically, Jesus becomes the other man.
So how could we do this better?
First, I’d suggest a great deal of prayer. You have a tough road ahead of you, and you’ll need grace to do it well.
What your unsaved husband needs is Jesus. He doesn’t need to be told he’s sinning. He doesn’t need you to try to change him. He needs Jesus. And the way you get Him to Jesus is to show him the love and grace of Jesus in every way you can. So go out of your way to bless him. I’m not proposing you go along with sin, but when you must opt out, do it without making too big a deal of it. Look for ways to make his life better. Work to provide food he really enjoys. If he suggests doing something that doesn’t compromise your beliefs, do it. Encourage him to have his friends over, and serve him and them. Spurgeon told a story of a man with a wife like this, and said it brought him to the Lord.
If you really want to sell it, make a massive effort to blow him away in bed. Become the sex partner he has always dreamed of. And when he asks you about the change, blame God. Now that will preach!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is how you reach a man.
A post worth reading:
Hot, Holy & Humorous | 3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex ◄ Yes, yes, and YES!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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What It Feels Like to Have an Erection
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Over on Quora, a young lady was asking how it feels to have an erection. She doesn’t have that body part, and was curious about it. Men don’t think about telling their wife what it feels like to have an erection because to them, it’s obvious.
Unless it happens at an inappropriate time or place, an erection is a nice thing for a man. The penis is more sensitive when it’s erect, and it feels good just pressing against his pants. That’s not necessarily sexual pleasure, it’s just enjoyable. Of course, it feels even better when an erection is pushed against the woman you love, which is why he “pokes” you.
If he’s erect because of some sight or touch, then his erection reinforces that sexual stimulation. If his erection wasn’t caused by something sexual, like waking up from a dream, it may turn his mind to sex. Especially if you’re there next to him.
Men have erections all the time. He has them with every dream. He gets at least a bit stiff when he sees you naked, even if he knows nothing is going to happen. When he recalls the great sex you had last night, he gets hard. Likewise, when he thinks about what he would like to do with you sexually. This is actually part of God’s design – a recent study found that having regular erections keeps the penis healthy and able to get erect. A man who only got hard for sex, wouldn’t be able to get hard for sex!
I’ve said an erection is never an emergency, but it is an opportunity. If you want to bless your hubby, grab that opportunity from time to time. You don’t have to make him come; just squeeze his erection a bit as you tell him what you are going to do with his penis later.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and erections are great!
A post worth reading:
Hot, Holy & Humorous | 4 Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex ◄ Spot on!
Image Credit: © FotoAndalucia | stock.adobe.com
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The Power of Gratitude for Your Life and Marriage
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This post is a bit different. I want to encourage you to actively practice gratitude.
Gratitude is a powerful thing that changes both those who are grateful and anyone who is on the receiving end of it. Science has shown that intentionally looking for things to be grateful for improves both mental and physical health. It improves marriages, makes us happier, and reduces depression.
I think of this because I was recently sitting in church with my five-year-old grandson on my lap during worship. He was in a rare quiet and calm moment, and as I held him, I was aware of how many good things there are in my life. I felt happy, peaceful, and energised, and those feelings carried on throughout the week.
Even when your life is a mess, there are things for which you can and should be grateful. A powerful way to do this is to keep a gratitude journal. Set aside a few minutes every day to write down what you are grateful for. At first, it may be difficult, but if you keep at it, you will see more and more things in your life for which you should be grateful.
Be sure to include gratitude for your marriage and your husband. You will be amazed at what it can do for your marriage!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I am extraordinarily grateful for my wonderful wife!
Further reading:
Want to Relieve Stress ASAP? Write in a Gratitude Journal
Gratitude Really is Good for You. Here’s What the Science Shows
Photo by Camila Franco on Unsplash
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Helping Women Enjoy Sex in Marriage
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The other day, as Lori and I were getting into bed to enjoy each other, she said she hated that so many women don’t really enjoy sex. And of course I am with her 100% on that.
There is plenty of blame to spread around on this. Both society and the Church have made a mess of sex, especially for women. Some put all the blame on men, which is both unfair and counterproductive. Yes, men have been part of the problem, but only part. Women have messed sex up for other women for decades, and it’s still going on. I’ve seen sex positive married women badmouthed and shunned by churches. And I’ve heard about woman saying things to brides about sex that are ugly and destructive.
Some of this is sour grapes. A woman who doesn’t enjoy sex doesn’t want anyone else to enjoy it either. I think sometimes it’s an attempt to form a unified front against the “vile passions” and “unreasonable sexual expectations” of men. And some of it is well-meaning but misguided attempts to protect young women from something God wants them to enjoy.
Of course, I’ve also seen women who go out of their way to talk up married sex. And many of these see it as their duty to get a bride-to-be something sexy to wear to bed and maybe a sex toy as well. Others go further and take women about to marry out for a meal and some sex positive talk.
There is no neutral on this. If you don’t take a stand for sex, many will assume you are in the “meh or worse” camp.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and friends don’t let friends miss out on great sex!
A FANTASTIC resource:
Awaken-Love Discover God’s Design For Sex
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Vision Casting And House Keeping
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Today, I want to talk about where Lori and I see ourselves going in terms of ministry. We’ve made a lot of changes over the last 26 years. We started with a static website. Then a message board, blogs, Facebook and Twitter, and most recently podcasting. Every addition has been intended to reach more folks who might benefit from what we have to say about marriage and sexuality.
And now it seems like the time to offer a YouTube channel. We’ve been kicking this around since about Christmas, and we’re now thinking of trying to have it running this year. We are months away, so this is the first tease. YouTube will put us in front of a new audience, and importantly younger couples. It could also, in time, provide some income, which would be nice.
If you have thoughts about this, we’d love to hear them as we put together “the DNA” of this new venture. We would also like your prayers for wisdom and timing.
In the near future, we will announce a summer fund drive. If you have never supported us financially, I hope you will pray about doing so.
And finally, I want to make you aware of a great opportunity for your marriage. J Parker and Kate and Brad Aldrich are doing a marriage cruise this October. Lori and I did this years ago, and everyone who joined us said they really enjoyed it. The speakers are top-notch, and a cruise is a great marriage vacation. Lori and I took this same cruise for our anniversary a few years ago, and it was a great trip.
There are few spaces left – sign up before it fills up!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I enjoy cursing cruising!
Image Credit: © kolonko | stock.adobe.com & J Parker
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Understanding Diverse Sexual Desires & Nurturing Intimacy in Marriage
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Last week over on The Generous Husband, I did a rewrite of a post that argued the high drive/low dichotomy in inaccurate and harmful. I listed a number of ways to look at the situation differently, and I think those could be very helpful for any couple who struggles because one of them wants more sex than the other. I’ve aimed this at woman, and in a few places left the genders unstated because I know some of you want more sex than your husband.
- One of us is ready for sex almost any time, the other needs time to get their mind and/or body into sex.
- A significant part of his desire for sex is physical, while my desire is more emotional (or mental, or relational).
- He can hit the bed running; I require at least ______ minutes of foreplay.
- He gets aroused because he feels desire; I feel desire after I get aroused.
- Intercourse is an important part of sex for him, but I can enjoy sex just fine without it.
- One of us wants sex more often, but the other is willing to accommodate if they are not expected to be all in.
- A lack of sex makes one of us feel unloved.
- A lack of love makes me feel unsexual.
- I can honestly enjoy sex without orgasm. I wish he could believe that.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and how you look at it makes a big difference.
A post worth reading:
Shaunti Feldhahn | The Church That Talked About Sex ◄ A growing number of churches are doing this well.
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The Power of Sexual Mindsets: Moving Beyond Destiny for a Fulfilling Sex Life
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A New Zealand psychologist named Jessica Maxwell has coined a couple of useful terms to describe what we believe about our sexual relationship. If you have a sexual growth mindset, you think sexual satisfaction takes effort and work. If you have a sexual destiny mindset, you think a couple is either sexually compatible or not, and this determines how good or bad their sex life will be. Maxwell says her studies show a lot of folks believe in the destiny or compatibility version of sex. And that’s a problem.
While a sexual growth mindset says “good sex takes work”, a sexual destiny mindset says “good sex just happens – or it doesn’t”. It’s easy to see how that second one would prevent a couple from improving their sex life. The destiny mindset is more open to cheating. If sex is bad at home, there’s nothing you can do about it, so look for a better match. Studies have also found the destiny mindset means a person is less inclined to work to make sex better. Another study found that women who perceive their husband to have a destiny mindset have lower sexual satisfaction.
What is your sexual mindset? If you have a sexual destiny mindset, that’s limiting and likely hurting your sex life. If you think your husband has that mindset, that’s also a problem. The good news is you can change your sexual mindset. This matters because those who think sex can get better are more likely to work to make it better, and those who work at sex are rewarded with better sex.
If you think either you or your husband has a sexual destiny mindset, I suggest talking about it and working to change that.
~ Paul – I’m XY and most sex problems are about what’s going on between our ears, rather than between our legs.
References:
Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction
How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being
Viewing Sexual Desire as Stable Versus Fluid: The Impact of Implicit Beliefs on Women’s Coping With Sexual Desire Problems
~ Paul – I’m XY, and most sex problems are about what’s going on between our ears, rather than between our legs.
A post worth reading:
Shaunti Feldhahn | “I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work” ◄ The power of hope to save or resurrect a marriage.
Image Credit: © stanciuc | stock.adobe.com
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