The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Rethinking the “Necessity” of Dual-Income Families
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I recently saw this on social media:
We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and to raise children as if they don’t work.
I’m betting some of you resonate with that.
Not that long ago, this was not the case in the Church. In fact, we looked down on women who didn’t stay home with the children. And that wasn’t right or helpful. Today, most folks in and out of the church accept the reality that a family needs two incomes.
I question how real that “reality” is. Yes, it is a fact for some. And it’s not necessary for some. But I think there’s a group who are doing it because it’s what is expected of them. Yes, if we want to live the way others live, then it requires two incomes. The real question is do we want to live like others live? Or to get really rude about it, is that how God wants us to live?
It’s not my place to answer those questions for anyone other than myself. I bring it up in hopes that some of you who have not considered this will do so. If being both a mother and working a full time job is a major problem for you or your marriage, how might you as a family change that?
And if you’ve done this, please share what you have learned in the comments.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, it’s difficult.
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It’s Time To Talk About It
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So if I ask you to apply “It’s time to talk about it” to your marriage, what is “it”?
There’s no right answer here; it depends on you and your marriage. It might not be what an outsider looking in would think. What does and does not bother you is a factor. So is knowing your husband. Something that should sound alarm bells for most wives might not be a big deal in your marriage. Or what might be a minor thing for many could be a sign of impending disaster for your marriage.
If you’ve been trying to get him to deal with something, and he’s not, that dodging makes the issue a bigger deal. If something he’s doing hurts or scares you, for whatever reason, staying silent about it will only hurt your marriage.
There’s also the possibility that “it” is not something you can identify clearly. You know something is wrong, but you find it difficult to put it in words. By the time you can articulate it well things may be a real mess, so initiate a talk now even if you have to struggle through it.
We often ignore “it”, hoping it will go away without us having to talk about it. Or we fear talking about it will confirm our fears or make it real. This is human nature, but it’s one of those human nature things that does not serve us well.
If nothing jumped to your mind as “it” in your marriage, great. But if you didn’t have to think to know what “it” is, then it really is time to talk about it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I suggest you don’t start with “We need to talk…”
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Faulty assumptions ◄ Check your inner narrative with reality before you act on it.
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Let’s Build Better Sexpectations
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I recently talked to a friend who was lamenting the fact he and his wife had not had intercourse, or any real kind of sex, in several years. I know this couple, and I know they have a good marriage. He says everything else is great and sex is the only real problem they have. It’s also been the source of the majority of their arguments over the years. She has never liked sex and decided perimenopause was her excuse to be done with it.
This post is not to tell you how horrible this woman is, or to tell you not to be like her. In truth, I feel great sympathy for her. For twenty-five years, sex has been a source of frustration and conflict for this dear woman. Sex has never provided her with the kind of emotional intimacy and physical pleasure God intended. This couple has been cheated, and it makes me mad!
The primary predictor of a couple’s sex life is the sex expectations, or sexpectations, the wife brings into the marriage. It’s not the only factor, but for most couples it is the biggest one. If she expects sex to be good, it will probably be good for both of them. And if it’s not, her sexpectations will push her to figure out why it’s not and make the necessary changes. On the other hand, if she has low sexpectations and sex isn’t good, she will accept that because it’s what she expected. Furthermore, she will not be motivated to improve something that is as she thought it would be.
A woman’s sexpectations are formed as she is growing up, starting before she can remember. If she tried to touch her genitals during a diaper change and got scolded or had her hand slapped, that taught her that her sexuality is bad. How her mom and dad acted as she changed from a girl to a woman also had a big impact. What was said, and not said, communicated to her about sex, and how her parents were with each other sent her messages about sex. Beyond that, her culture and her church added to her sexpectations, for good or bad.
Lori and I do premarital counselling now and then, and by the time a young woman gets to us her sexpectations are pretty well set. We do our best when it’s clear a bride is not expecting what God says sex should be, but it’s usually closing the barn door after the horses have left.
During our travels, we met women in several churches who were vocally sex positive. At one church, the 40 something pastor’s wife and another woman who was about sixty made sure all the women in the church knew they were all about sex with their husbands, and felt every woman should feel the same. At a church where we were speaking, the ladies let Lori know that one of the women there was well known for saying, “I’ll suck that thing anytime!”. And yes, some of the young unmarried women had heard her say this. And of course there was the mild-mannered pastor’s wife who gave sex toys and racy lingerie as bridal gifts—at the bridal shower, where everyone saw them. I also know a few women who make it their job to befriend soon-to-marry women to tell them how fantastic sex is, and how to make it all that it can be.
That is the point of this post: we need more openly sex positive women in the church. We need to push back against the lies and naysaying. We need to turn the sour grapes into wine and make sure every woman knows sex is for women, and should be good for them in all kinds of ways. Let’s send women into marriage with high, positive sexpectations!
And of course, if you have any daughters, you should work hard to give them good sexpectations. Teach them sex is for marriage, where it’s deeply intimate and physically enjoyable beyond their wildest imagination. Teach them their sex organs are wonderful, not dirty, and their desires and pleasure are a gift of God to be protected until they can be enjoyed with abandon with their future husband.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I need your help on this!
A post worth reading:
Shaunti Feldhahn | What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right ◄ Speaking of lies about sex…
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WBW: Is He TRYING to Make me Mad?
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Does it ever seem your husband must be trying to upset you? Maybe he is.
A study found that some men intentionally try to anger an opponent in order to improve their chance of winning a conflict. They rarely do this when the conflict is physical, saving the strategy for more mental competitions. This makes sense, as anger can result in greater physical strength, while reducing mental performance.
The study looked at men with other men, but I would expect a “winning strategy” to be used beyond conflicts with other men. It would be nice to think no man would use this against his wife, but I doubt that is the case.
I suspect this sometimes happen without the man intentionally doing it. If it has become an automatic way of winning an argument, he might do it unknowingly. Men might also intentionally use this trick when they feel outmanoeuvred by their wife. Women are generally much better at communication, and maybe some husbands see this as a way of evening the odds.
The reality is, you’re at a disadvantage if he’s made you angry. If you learn to ignore his attempts to upset you, great – but he does know all your buttons! If you feel yourself getting angry, the wisest choice is to withdraw. Tell him you’re getting angry, and you don’t want to argue or make decisions while you’re angry. Arrange to revisit the issue soon, and ideally set a specific time. (Side note, it takes at least 20 minutes to calm down once you become angry.)
If getting you angry just ends the discussion, he might give up on the strategy. Of course, he might also decide to use it to end discussions. If he keeps doing it, I would suggest you point it out to him. If that doesn’t bring about a change, it may be time to get some third-party help.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m afraid I’ve done this.
[This post first appeared Jan 20, 2014.]
A post worth reading:
PsychCentral | How Long Does the Fight or Flight Reaction Last? ◄ Information on what it takes to calm down.
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Is That Marriage Goal Realistic?
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In Monday’s post I said, “When Lori and my sex life was falling short, I had a goal in mind.” Then my tagline was, “my goal being unrealistic is another post!” This would be that post. The example I’m giving from our marriage is about sex, but the bigger issue applies to all kinds of things, so try to see past the sex.
I had a goal for how I wanted our sex life to be when we got past the problems. But what was that goal based on? I’d never had a satisfying sex life, so how could I know what it would look like? I didn’t even know how often I would need to have sex to feel it was “enough”. Again, how would I know? I’m sure my male friends would have had suggestions I would have liked, but what’s the chance any of them had a clue?
So my goal was more about assumption and arrogance than anything else. Had I demanded Lori met that goal, we might not be married and we certainly would not have a mutually enjoyed sex life!
Fortunately for me, I had an open-ended goal. As I gained a better understanding of the realities of marriage and sexuality, I modified what I expected. I also listened to what Lori thought and what she needed. In time we got to something that we could both do and enjoy.
There are many places in a marriage where this kind of reassessment and give and take are critical. And sometimes you are so far apart the only hope is for both of you to scrap your expectations and start over.
A good way to work through such issues is to follow talking about what you want with why you want it. Work past the hard lines of your goals and try to figure out what you both really desire. If you’re making a guess at what you need because you’ve never had it, be honest about that. Then use phrases such as “I think” and “I feel” to show you’re not sure.
Finally, don’t look for a compromise halfway between what you want and what he wants. Stop seeing it as a straight-line continuum; most good compromises are not on a straight line between what the two people originally wanted.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and goals can be helpful or harmful.
A post worth reading:
The Generous Husband | Loving My Life ◄ A bit about me, if you’re interested.
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Is Your Marriage Suffering From The Growth Trap?
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I heard the growth trap idea from Morgan Snyder of Wild at Heart. Morgan said he and his wife are very growth-minded about their lives and their marriage. And for the most part that’s a good thing. But he said they sometimes got so focused on growth they didn’t take time to look back and see the improvements they had made.
This is particularly dangerous when we are looking at our spouse. When Lori and my sex life was falling short, I had a goal in mind. But I worked hard to see and praise the small changes. Many changes happen in a multitude of small steps and those steps should be recognised. Failure to do that discourages the other person and may cause them to wonder why they’re trying at all.
If you want your husband to be different in some way, has he made any progress in the right direction? If so, have you acknowledged that and thanked him for it? Showing gratitude for what your husband has done is always a good idea.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my goal being unrealistic is another post!
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | When letting go is love ◄ Never an easy thing.
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Should Maintenance Sex Be A Thing In Your Marriage?
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About a year ago, businesswoman, singer, model, and television personality Caprice Bourret told women to stop making excuses and just have sex. Specifically, she said, “Take one for the team. It’s five to ten minutes of your life.“
As you can guess, that didn’t go over well with a lot of people. Behavioural scientist Dr. Pragya Agarwal responded by saying, “Such advice is targeted always at women, but never ever at men. This reinforces the idea that women’s sexuality or desire is never placed on par with that of men’s desires. These ideas have no place in modern society.”
And for better or worse, all of this got lumped into the category of maintenance sex. There is a growing pushback against maintenance sex, with a few going so far as to call it rape.
I have a different understanding of maintenance sex. But before I get to that, I want to address the idea of “Taking one for the team“. I see that term as Google defines it: “Willingly undertaking an unpleasant task or making a personal sacrifice for the collective benefit of one’s friends or colleagues.”
Over the last 37 and a half years, I’ve done things for Lori that I didn’t want to do at that moment. And yes, that has included sex a few times. I have never felt I was taking one for the team! I was blessing my wife because I love her. I suppose we should be willing to take one for the team in our marriage, but if we feel we do that often something is horribly wrong.
In my world, maintenance sex is more of a joint agreement to have sex when neither of you is really into it. You’re both tired, or stressed, or have to get up early the next day. Maybe one or both of you feels some degree of physical arousal, but not enough to push you to have real sex. But it’s been a while, and you both know your marriage benefits from regular sex. Maintenance sex isn’t a hand job or quickie for one of you, it’s so-so sex neither of you is dying to have because you know it’s the right thing to do. During a rough season of life, maintenance sex may be all a couple has. They do it to keep their sex life on life support until life gets easier, and they can have the sex they both want.
When Lori and I were doing full-time care for my bedridden dying mother, much of our sex was maintenance sex. Because of that, when life got back to normal, we were able to easily step back into the kind of sex we’d had before. What’s more, the maintenance sex really helped to keep us connected during a difficult time.
If your life ever gets so crazy, and normal sex isn’t possible, I think maintenance sex is a really good idea. We’ve talked to couples who stopped having sex for a few months for what seemed like valid reasons, and then struggle to restart their sex life when things got better. Use it or lose it is a real thing with sex!
However, if you find you’re doing maintenance sex often, your life is out of balance, and you need to address that.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and maintenance sex is better than going sexless.
A post worth reading:
LOVE HOPE ADVENTURE | 41 Fun Things To Do With Your Spouse ◄ Should be a least a few you and hubby would enjoy!
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Getting Past Our Pasts
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So I swim half a mile once or twice a week, depending on the season. I swim at a physical therapy pool that makes a lane or two available by reservation. These same lanes are also used for swim lessons. You get a lane for half an hour.
I’ve had issues with one of the female physical therapists. Most recently the female swim teacher had finished a lesson and had another kid coming over. They were setting up a second lane and I asked the swim instructor which lane she preferred. She said it didn’t matter. Before I could say I’d take the new lane, my PT nemesis said “She gets this lane, you have to swim there!” I made a polite offer to give her the lane of her choice and she said she had no preference. So why did the PT lady get involved?
My first run-in with this woman was when I had about a minute left to swim. As I turned for my last half lap, she yelled “Your time is up, it’s her turn!” pointing to the lady walking for the stairs. At this point, I’d been swimming twice a week for months. I had never run over my time and I always finished with a fast half lap and got out at the far end of the pool. I had plenty of time to finish and get out, so why the yelling?
Based on these and a couple of things I’ve seen her do with others, I believe she feels it’s her job to protect women from men. All women, from all men. I’m sure if I knew her life I would see the reason she assumes all men are dangerous, but she has judged me without facts and is “helping” women who didn’t ask for her help. The swim instructor clearly thought her behaviour was weird.
I’ve just let it go. I’m sorry she’s uptight and I’m not going to make it worse by complaining to her boss – who I get along with just fine.
Yes, there is a marriage issue here. If we don’t deal with our past, it controls what we do today. We see others as the person who hurt us or someone we care about. That makes us say and do unreasonable things and look a bit crazy. We hurt people and mess up our relationships. We inject ourselves into situations where we’re not wanted and generally cause problems. We particularly hurt our spouses and our children.
You will notice the last paragraph was gender-neutral. My example is a woman who has a problem with men, but men do the same thing. If your husband’s past is getting injected into your marriage that’s as destructive as your past being injected.
Start with yourself. Where does the way you treat your husband not make sense for who he has shown himself to be? Are you ever defensive for no reason? Are there places where you never give him the benefit of the doubt? Do you ever consider him guilty unless he proves he’s not? Do you have knee-jerk reactions to things he says or does that don’t have anything to do with him? This kind of stuff is a result of something in your past. Your husband can’t fix it because he’s not the problem. If you can’t deal with it yourself, get help.
Once you’re dealing with your stuff, think about him. Does he do any of the things I mentioned above? If you’re not sure, ask someone who knows both of you. Not to accuse hubby, but to ask if they think his treatment of you seems to be valid for who you are and what you say and do. If you see places where he seems to be treating you a certain way because of his past, look for a chance to gently ask him why he does what he does. Ask him if you have given him reason to think or act as he does. If he says yes, ask him for a recent example.
If you can get him to see he is painting his past on you, ask him to deal with that. If he can’t, ask him to get help.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and Lori and I have been working at this for decades.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Only human ◄ Don’t expect too much from yourself.
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