The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Letting Go of the Past for a Stronger Marriage
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I want to talk to you about your second marriage. To the man you now call your husband.
If you met him today, as you both are now, could you have a good or even great marriage? If what you could have starting from scratch today is better than what you do have, then the issue is a past that one or both of you is unwilling to release.
I’ve watched couples like this struggle and divorce. Others stay together, but aren’t happy about it. I hate it when the present is fine and a couple is miserable because of the past.
If hubby has stopped doing things that made your marriage difficult or bad, please let it go. Even if he has failed to acknowledge his wrong, or apologise for it, just let it go. Why would you make yourself miserable over something in the past?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope your second marriage is great!
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The Two-Parent Advantage: Why Does the US Lead in Single-Parent Homes, and What We Can Do?
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A new book that talks about kids and parents is getting a lot of press. Some love it. Some hate it. The book is The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, and the title should tell you why some folks hate it. We’ve been told that kids do fine as long as they have a loving parent. We’ve been told two parents isn’t really better, and that those who claim a child needs a father are old-fashioned or misogynistic.
Author Melissa Kearney offends even more people by saying children of a married couple are even better off than those raised by a couple who are not married. What makes her book really offensive is that she supports her claims with data. She shows that children from single mother homes are less likely to graduate from high school, get a college degree, or have high earnings as adults. What’s more, children of a single mother are five times as likely to live in poverty.
As for marriage, Kearney says, “If you just look in the data, marriage is what delivers kids a stable, long-term, two-parent household in this country.”
What I really want to focus on is that the US has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household IN THE WORLD! Various sources say 27% of our kids live with a single parent, and no other adult! And 80% of these are with their mother.
Why do we lead the world in this? Why are we having this problem? In a country where almost two-thirds of the population claims to be Christian, we can’t blame this on the world. European countries with lower percentages of Christians have fewer children in single-parent homes. What are we doing wrong, and how do we fix it? How does the Church address this?
I don’t have answers, this is primarily about raising awareness. We need to do what we can to help couples in trouble. We also need to speak up when we see bad marriages in the making before the couple says “I do”. Don’t sit by and watch someone you care about make a mistake that will hurt them and any children they have. I’d also encourage you to be a squeaky wheel about this in your church. Caring for marriages needs to be a major push in every church in the country.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and it shouldn’t be this way.
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Asking for Sex: Sanity and Connection
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Let’s talk about asking for sex. Anyone who asks for sex regularly will tell you it can be difficult, and hearing no too often hurts. A sigh that says “If we must” or some other form of “I don’t really want to” is also painful.
I’m addressing this both here and on The Generous Husband tomorrow. If you’re high drive, you might want to check the TGH post.
When we are not buried in snow, my wife often asks me if I want to go for a walk. How I feel about going for a walk is not part of my consideration when I answer. I know it’s something she enjoys doing with me, and that’s enough for me to want to say yes. If I am super busy, tired, or my feet or legs hurt, I may say no or suggest a short walk. Otherwise, I’m a yes. If she said “I really want to take a walk with you,” or I was aware it matters to her more than usual, I’d probably say yes even if I’d otherwise say no.
And yes, I think sex should be the same way.
If you’re usually the one being asked, do a bit of thinking before you answer. Consider how long it’s been, and ask yourself if tomorrow will be better or worse. If it’s been a week, and/or there is no way it will happen tomorrow, that should push you towards yes. Additionally, try to ascertain where he is sexually. Ask if it will be a problem if he waits twenty-four hours. You could also ask if he needs to make love, or just needs to come.
And of course, ensuring you enjoy it and come if you want to is your absolute right.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is a great place for generosity.
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Embracing a Sane Life: How to Set Limits and Prioritise Well-being
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After telling the men on The Generous Husband that I was going to talk a lot about being too busy this year, I decided I need to do that same thing here.
Folks in the “Western world” are way too busy, and it’s especially bad in the USofA. And from what I see and read, it’s worse for women and is hurting them more. This is about your life. It’s about your health, your sanity, and your ability to enjoy life. It’s about having a good marriage. And honestly, it’s about living long enough to see your grandkids graduate.
I do realise doing less is more difficult for women than men. Often far more is expected of you. Living a sane life means being radially countercultural. When men do that, they are seen as brave or visionary. When women do it, they’re called lazy, or worse.
If your husband’s not on board, setting a sane pace for your life is going to be difficult. However, when you understand what’s at stake, the battle starts to look worth the effort.
Are you ready to figure out what limits you should set and stick to it no matter what?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and busyness kills.
Year-end giving:
I’ll give a total when we add last minute online donations and what come in by mail over the next week. As of Saturday afternoon.
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Easier Sex When It’s Just One of You
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I will be making this suggestion over on TGH tomorrow, so if you want to discuss it with hubby, and he reads there, wait a day. This is an attempt to make sex for just one of you easier for the lower drive spouse. In most marriages, the husband wants more, but this would work if you’re the one who wants more. Make intercourse what you do when you both want to climax. It’s “full sex”, what you do when you both want it. This is especially good for the lower drive husband, as getting an erection when he’s not interested can be an issue.
This means sex for just one of you is done by hand, mouth, or with a sex toy. It should still be loving and intimate, but physically it’s less involved and less of a commitment of time and energy. If the lower drive spouse is really tired, they can offer to “help as you do it”, meaning you both play with the sexy bits of the one who wants to come.
A word on sex toys for him. A stroker is a nice way to go when it’s just for him. We’ve had women tell us it’s way easier and faster than doing it by hand. The Head Honcho from Married Dance is a good stroker at a decent price. And it’s not molded from a real woman.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and easier is better
One of the many:
I don’t know about you, but my email is awash in folks doing year-end donation drives. Most of them are ministries we have supported before, and many we continue to support. I never give as much as I would like, but I know what I can give makes a difference.
And of course, you can make a difference to us!
 2023 Year End
You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori
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Donate with Check or Bill Pay Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo. Mail to: Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173 US donations are tax-deductible |
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Should Sex be Treated Differently When it Comes to Sacrifice?
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I had a discussion with a woman on an old post from this blog. She told me her husband wouldn’t even think of asking for a hand job if she wasn’t in the mood. She expressed the idea that sex should only occur when both want it, and anything else means the woman is being used.
What was interesting was at the same time I was having this discussion, I was also working on a post entitled Love Sacrifices over on The Generous Husband. I said, “Love sacrifices for the one it loves. This is the hallmark of love. If this is missing, it’s probably not love, and it’s certainly not mature, healthy love.” And I finished the post by asking, “Do you sacrifice for your wife? Do you do it often enough?”
I didn’t mention sex in that post, but I think it should be treated the same way. To be fair, the woman I was talking with may feel sex is different. I’ve talked to women who feel this way. They will sacrifice a great deal, possibly too much, in other areas, but would not budge an inch when it came to sex.
There is a strand of feminism that identifies sex as rape if the woman is not all about it, and that may be part of the issue. I’ve even seen it suggested it’s wrong for a man to want sex when his partner does not. Yes, really.
I realise men have used and abused women sexually for most of history. But two wrongs don’t make a right, even when one wrong has gone on for a very long time. As I said before, love sacrifices. It does things it does not desire at the moment because one it loves does want them. There must be balance, but “only if I want to” is neither loving nor balanced.
If you were taught it’s unloving for a man to ask for or expect sex when you’re not champing at the bit for it, then this post may upset you. I would challenge you to think and pray about it. Is sex really in a separate category, allowing you to do things that you would consider selfish in any other area of your marriage? If you think that is the case, who put sex in that separate category? Can you find any biblical support for that idea?
And of course, have at me in the comments!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love making sacrifices for my wife.
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Is Your Phone Sabotaging Your Marriage?
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The other day as I was looking through images Lori and I have used, I saw this one and thought I needed to do a post about it.
If you can’t see the image, it shows a man and woman arm in arm, both using the phones rather than hugging and being together.
I’ve had a number of men tell me they play second fiddle to their wife’s smartphone. And I’ve seen studies that show this is a serious and growing problem in relationships. Studies also show we tend to use phones differently. Men are primarily about entertainment, while women spend far more time building relationships. Multiple studies have found women spend more time on their phones, generally ten to twenty percent more.
I think there is a balance issue we all need to consider in our use of these marvellous devices. They are great servants, but they can become a master. That’s bad for us in many ways. There are also marriage specific issues that should be considered.
I expect some fellow will show up in the comments to tell us how he can’t get sex because his wife brings her phone to bed. Maybe that is preventing sex, and maybe she is using it to avoid sex. The same is true for other things, the phone can be the problem or a tool used for avoiding communication and various forms of intimacy.
If your husband would say your use of your phone is a problem in your marriage, then it’s a problem. And if you know you are using it to avoid him in any way, that’s a problem.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve never felt second to Lori’s phone!
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Teach Him Clutter-Free Bedroom = Better Sex
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A few days ago, I told the men on The Generous Husband that clutter can limit a woman’s sexually. I said this is particularly an issue when the bedroom is cluttered. I doubt I have to explain that here, and if you don’t get it, then you are one of the rare women for whom it’s not an issue. But most of you find it easier to want, have, and enjoy sex if your home in general and your love nest in particular are tidy.
But here’s the thing, while you get it, odds are your husband does not. There are two reason for that. First, a study found men are not nearly as impacted by clutter as most women. Second, when he’s horny, he is blind to everything other than the target of his desire – AKA you. He is just fine with taking you on that unmade bed covered in laundry and toys the kids dragged in. He may or may not register the mess after he’s done, but it won’t slow him down or lessen his enjoyment.
If you think clutter is hurting your sex life, I suggest you work to teach your husband this gender-based fact. Then ask him to help you do something about it. Get him to help you make your bedroom a place where clutter doesn’t derail your sex life.
If you manage to get a clean bedroom, be sure to let him know it matters. After mind-blowing sex, say, “Sex is so much better in a neat bedroom!”
~ Paul – I’m XY, and the Y seems to make me blind to clutter.
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