The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Decoding Gender Differences in Sexual Expression
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Today, I want to apply the idea that men and women are different to sex. I’m not going to talk about sex drive. Yes, most husbands want more than their wives, but the opposite is true for at least a quarter of couples.
I want to talk about how men and women think about sex. There’s a minefield of gender differences here.
How boys and young men learn about and talk about sex is very different from how it is for girls. Boys are all about the physical aspects of sex, body parts and sex acts. They long to experiment with a girl’s body. When they’re young, they have little interest in, or capacity for, romance and love. When a boy first learns the details of a sex act, he finds it exciting and desirable. Girls are far more reserved, and sometimes apprehensive.
This training carries over into adulthood and marriage. Men are far more comfortable with sexual words woman may find coarse or objectionable. Many men can bypass emotional connection and go straight to sex. When men talk about sex, it’s all about the physical, with little or no emotional or relational aspects mentioned. For them, sex is all about their penis and how to make it feel good.
Most men grow beyond this penis-centric sex focus. Many are well on their way to a healthier holistic view of sex by the time they marry. But that change may not show up in how they talk about sex. Old habits and patters may continue well after they no longer represent what is going on in his mind. He sees nothing wrong with how he talks about and asks for sex, not realising his words no longer express what he is feeling. And his ability to separate sex and emotion means he can easily have sex when you’ve not had time together this week, or are upset at each other.
I’m all for you working on how he talks about sex. But I suggest you start by getting past the words and understanding his heart. Is he really sexually selfish, just looking out for his penis? Or does he want sex to be great for both of you? Is sex just a physical act for him, or does he see sex with you as a wonderful part of your marriage that goes well beyond your bodies?
Don’t let how he learned to express his sexuality as a teen fool you. Find out what’s really going on in his mind.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and talking about sex can be difficult!
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Unspoken Desires: How His Sexual Fears Play Out
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On Monday, I talked about how we tend to expect things from our spouse even when we’ve not shared our expectations. One big place men do this is with sex. And this can lead to frustration and hard feelings.
It helps to understand why men do this. Most men have fears about sex:
- Am I making it good for her?
- Do I want sex too often?
- Does she really enjoy it, or is she just going along because she is supposed to?
- Would she be offended by what I want?
Because of these fears, it’s common for men to ask for less sex than they want. Not just less in terms of quantity, but also what we ask for. And we downplay it when we ask for something new. We hint about something we’re dying to try and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. If we don’t get enthusiasm from our lady, we drop it.
Most guys are asking for what they think is acceptable, while wanting more. If such a guy gets everything he asks for, he still feels cheated because it’s not all he wants.
If you’d like to help him out, reach out. Ask him if he’s fully satisfied with how often you have sex, or if a bit more often would be better. Ask him what he’d like to try that you’re not doing. Listen for hedging, and nudge a bit deeper.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual fear sucks!
NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social
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Valentine’s Day Sex: A Special Gift for Your Husband
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Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope hubby comes though, however that would look for you.
I also hope you come through for him, however that would look for him. And yeah, for most husbands, that means sex.
I know, I know. But it is a holiday to celebrate romantic love, and expecting sex to be part of that doesn’t seem outlandish.
If it’s been a sore subject in the past, get in front of it this year by texting him what sexual thing you plan to do. If you have tended to avoid sex because he expects it and that feels wrong, change it this year. If you have said no because he doesn’t meet your Valentine’s Day dreams, be the bigger person this time. And if tomorrow is really impossible, let him know how you will make that up to him over the weekend.
From a hand job, to a quickie, to sex going well past midnight, do something for him. He’s worth it, isn’t he?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want your hubby to be looking forward to next year!
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What Is It With Men and Breasts?
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Breasts: Every single woman has them, including his grandmother. You’d think by his mid-twenties, he’d be able to focus on women’s faces. ~ Seen on the Internet
I agree, men should look at your face, not your breasts. But the quote shows a lack of understanding on the part of the woman who said it. Multiple well done studies have found our brains are wired to notice breasts. And given God is the one who wired us, it seems He is to blame for this.
To be fair, God didn’t intend us to ever get a good look at breasts other than those of our wife. But that’s not the world we live in.
Of course, men should control themselves. And they should not assume a woman showing a lot is making an offer. But you should understand it does take effort. You should also understand showing much cleavage is a big red arrow, that increases the effort needed to do what’s right.
In private, encourage your hubby to not control himself, and give him plenty to look at. I know you think your breasts are not lust worthy, but I assure you, your man does. So give him a show from time to time. He’ll be glad you did.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know being delighted with my wife’s breasts is biblical!
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When Past Sexual Choices Create Marriage Limits
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My Generous Husband post today tries to explain why many women have sex they don’t want before they get married. If the post resonates with you, feel free to share it with your hubby.
I end the post by saying, “If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins.”
Of course, that goes both ways. If you developed sexual limits because of your sexual sin, asking hubby to live by those limits is asking him to pay for your sins.
I do realise this is a lot trickier than what I said to the guys. You might not have liked oral sex even if your first time was not half forced by an over eager boyfriend. You might not like a certain position even it had been introduced gently by a man who cared about you. You might not want sex more often if your sex life had started after your marriage instead of when you were sixteen and desperately trying to ensure future dates. And you will never know.
But you can challenge yourself. You can consider what might be different if you had not engaged in sex before your wedding night. You can make an effort to go beyond limits that come from sin.
BTW, if just thinking about this makes you want to avoid sex, I’d suggest you have stuff you need to deal with.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m sorry for how you were treated as a teenager.
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Navigating the Complexities of Sex
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Sex isn’t as intuitive as we think. Lori and I have worked with folks who had all kinds of problems when they got married because sex is neither as simple nor as obvious as expected. Some couples struggled because they got no real sex education. Others had problems because they thought porn qualified as sex education. Throw in nervousness and shyness, and a couple’s first sex can be anything from disappointing to frustrating to disastrous.
But it’s not just the first few times. Some couple’s early problems follow them for years or decades. Some women don’t enjoy sex, or don’t enjoy it as they could, because of things the couple has never figured out. Some men turn to porn and their own hand because sex with their wife is just too confusing and frustrating. Even couples who have worked it out pretty well may have some area where they have just given up.
If any of this sounds like your sex life, please don’t settle. Know you’re not alone. Most couples have some part of sex that’s not really working for them. And most could get past it with a bit of effort. Talk with hubby. Ask hard questions, and be open and honest. Try some hands on sex education. Get a book. Seek third party help. Don’t let embarrassment or fear keep you from all that God wants you to have!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex is not as intuitive as we pretend.
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WBW: Unmasking Sexual Idolatry in Christian Marriage
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We meet weekly with three other couples for a small group with a marriage focus. We have been working through Kyle Idleman’s book Gods at War: Defeating the Idols that Battle for Your Heart. The book is about the things we allow to become idols in our lives. Recently we did the chapter on sex.
Sex is a huge idol in our culture. Men are more given to worshipping at the altar of sex than women, but plenty of women are right there with them. One woman in our group suggested another form of sexual idolatry, sex as an angry God to be appeased. I had never thought of it this way, but it seems valid. It is a negative rather than a positive, but I think it is idolatry all the same.
What I find interesting is this means it is sex, not a person, being appeased. If sexual appeasing pre-dates marriage, then more than one’s spouse is being appeased. But we tend to pin things on people, so it would be natural for a wife in this situation to think it’s all about her husband.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my sexual idolatry was porn.
Gods at War: Defeating the Idols that Battle for Your Heart
by Kyle Idleman
[This post first appeared Nov 07, 2014.]
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Why I Talk About Sex So Much
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More than once it has been suggested to me that I talk too much about sex here. Friday’s post is always about sex. Wayback Wednesday is sometimes about sex. And sex gets mentioned as an aside in some posts not primarily about sex. I’d guess at least half of my posts touch on sex in some way. So yeah, I talk about it a lot.
Here’s the thing: sex is a big deal to most men, and it affects how they think and act. So a blog about understanding men will deal with sex a good deal. What’s more, sex is a common point of contention in marriages, so a marriage focused blog should deal with sex.
Look beyond the sex, and consider where I reveal how sex impacts what your husband thinks, says, and does. Consider this Wednesday’s post about how your hormones affect your life; twice I suggested you could get him more interested in the topic by bring up a valid sexual aspect of the subject.
Generally my intention is not to use sex as advertisers do, adding it to things that have nothing to do with sex. Instead, I want you to understand that a lot of things link to sex in his mind. Beyond that, I’m not opposed to using sex to get his attention as long as it’s not manipulative or misleading. If him not doing certain things decreases your interest in sex, telling him that is honest and may make things better for both of you.
On the other hand, refusing sex is a sure but bad way to get his attention. And using sex to punish him is a horrible idea. Explaining reality is fine, but intentionally using sex to hurt or manipulate will not end well for your marriage.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is how God made us.
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