The XY Code

If you wonder why you’ve not been seeing The XY Code, it’s because the blog has been closed.

But fear not, I am now blogging on Doing Marriage Well.

Doing Marriage Well is for both men and women. It’s a holistic look at marriage that is intended to help you find ways to make your unique relationship better. It is published Monday through Friday.

When you go to the new site, click on “blog” upper right to see the last week of posts. If you like what you see, you can sign up for emails at the top of the right column. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope to see you there!

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Gender issues are a huge battle in the church today. And a battle in most marriages, even if a couple isn’t dealing with it openly. The problem is our varied ideas about “how women are” and “how they should be”. Many women feel they have been put in a box, and are expected to stay there. More and more women are questioning the validity of their box, which can cause all manner of turmoil.

I moved from one of the most “progressive” cities in the US to a conservative farming community, so I’ve seen a wide array of how folks live out gender issues in marriage. I’ve heard a variety of thoughts, from both men and women. Most folks have passionate opinions, and most have found a way to support their opinion with a bit of Bible. Fewer seem to have gone to the Bible to see what it actually says.

I have no desire to argue these issues here. Debates on these issues generate many comments, but never seem to change anyone’s mind. 

What I really want is for you and your husband to agree on these issues. If you’re both on the same page, your marriage will benefit. If not, you will struggle. As hard as it is for me to say, I have found agreeing is more important than what you think. As long as you both freely think what you agree on, being of one mind will be a good thing for both of you. Major disagreements about these things cripple and kill marriages. It starts out minor, and then gets worse and worse as the years go by. All too often, things are beyond hope before the couple openly discusses their views on men and women.

If you haven’t hashed this out in your marriage, I urge you to do so. Be as loving as possible, and give huge amounts of grace. Your beliefs are deeply rooted, as are his. Odds are, much of what you each believe has never been subjected to thoughtful examination. These things tend to be more emotion based than logic based, and challenging them feels like a personal attack. Examining these issues takes courage, and changing them takes time.

Your husband may well be happy with how things are now. Or at the very least, he’s probably comfortable with things as they are. Your desire to rethink these issues is rocking the boat; there is no way around that. Sometimes rocking the boat is necessary, but even then, it’s unsettling. 

Neither you nor your husband have this all figured out. You both have wrong ideas and misunderstandings. If you can wrestle with these issues in a loving and grace-filled way, you will both learn and grow. You may both be surprised by what God shows you. It is not an easy journey, but the destination is a wonderful place to live.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my views on women have changed significantly over the years.

[This post first appeared Oct 13, 2014.]

MAKE A DIFFERENCE: The devastation from Hurricane Helene is horrible! Want to help out? The West End Bakery in Asheville, NC is doing what folks used to do, helping their neighbours out of the goodness of their hearts. They decided to use what supplies they had on hand to make bread to give away. There is a Go Fund me to provide them money for more supplies so they can keep helping. As I write this, they are just short of halfway to the $100,000 goal. Please consider donating!

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Someone over on Quora asked

What is something every parent should know?

One answer said, among other things:

Having children shouldn’t mean giving up on everything else in your life… I am a mom, but I am so much more than this.

What’s interesting is this woman’s credential read “A mom, before anything else. This is not a reluctant mother, she is all about being a mom!

IMAGE

I won’t argue with those who say raising kids is one of the most important things we will ever do. But we are or at least should be such more than that. The struggle, especially for moms, is how much of our time and energy young children rightly demand. But we need to know that’s a season, and work to avoid making our kids our entire life.

Lori and I have dealt with men where the wife was so burnt out on mothering they ran off with a lover, leaving the kids with dad. We’ve also dealt with women who got the kids grown, and decided to ditch the marriage to “find themselves”.

Certainly we can put some of this at the feet of the husband. But we’ve seen this with great guys who did more than their share of housework and child-rearing. Hubby can make it better or worse, but mom has to feel like the woman on Quora said to avoid problems.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my kids are grown.

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Last month, Lori suggested I do something differently than I had just done it by saying, “Don’t you want to [do it this other way]?”

I’d had a long day, and was in pain, and I only just managed to avoid saying “If I’d wanted to do it that way, I’d have done it that way.” 

I know this is a common way women make suggestions. It tends to work well among other women, but men often feel the way I stated above. We don’t see it as a kind suggestion. Rather, we hear it as “Why are you doing it that way”. And we may hear “What’s wrong with you” or even “You’re stupid.”

I know Lori doesn’t mean any of those things, but it’s still what I hear first. Lori understands men generally react this way to that kind of “suggestion” and it has been a very long time since she has done it. But as I said, it had been a long day.

If you do this with your husband, I suggest you try to stop. Perhaps he has learned it doesn’t mean what he hears, but if he still hears it, that’s not a good thing.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and stuff happens

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Does your husband think he has to earn sex? 

I don’t mean full on barter, with you saying yes when he’s done enough around the house. Some men keep a balance scale in their heads, judging how well they are providing their wife with what she wants. When they’ve done enough, they think she will say yes to sex. Or perhaps they think they deserve sex at that point.

Other men weigh the things they’ve done that their wife dislikes. When there’s too much of that, they know they don’t deserve sex, and they don’t ask. I confess I’ve been that way in the past.

If you think about it, this “system” seems to benefit the wife. His sex drive should motivate him to treat her better.

But transactional sex, even when it’s all in his mind, has its downsides. He doesn’t learn about your sexual desire and how to stoke it. He may get upset when he thinks he has earned sex, and it doesn’t happen. He may not see sex as something for both of you, as he’s already given you what he thinks you want. And if you want sex when he thinks he hasn’t earned it, he won’t initiate and may ignore your hints.

Certainly there are times when his failures, selfishness, or grumpiness put you off sex. There are also times when you’ve not had enough non-sexual intimacy to want or enjoy sex. But if you allow this to go too far, it’s bad for your marriage and your sex life.

If you think your hubby is doing this, mess with his scales. Suggest sex when he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. Tell him there are issues that are making it difficult for you to be sexual, but you want to push past that for both of you. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and earning things in marriage never ends well.

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I’m a fan of Henry Cloud John Townsend’s boundaries books, but I find many men dislike or hate the books. Why are men so down on these great tools?

Have you ever seen a man misuse the Bible to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants? Many men have experienced their wife doing the same thing with a perversion of Cloud and Townsend’s boundaries ideas. Most of these men have never read any of the books, and would be surprised by what the authors actually say if they did.

We live in a society that expects “good women” to be agreeable. Saying no is bad; going along is good. Women who say no “too often” are called words I won’t use here!

If a woman has bought into those lies for decades, learning she has the “right” to say no is liberating. Thing is, it’s easy to go too far, especially at first. Being a decent human being means sometimes doing things we do not want to do. Being in a relationship means the same, even more so. Only doing what we want to do is called being selfish. As with most things in life, we must seek a sane balance. 

If you want to work on boundaries in your marriage, I suggest you urge your husband to read Boundaries in Marriage so he can discuss it with you. Telling him you want him to know what the book says so you don’t unfairly use it against him might be the motivation he needs. (If your hubby won’t read, the book is available in audio format.)

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I would rather listen than read.

[This post first appeared Sept 29, 2014.]

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Recently, Lori told me the sink was clogged. I had just cleared it the night before. She said I got defensive about it. I trust her on this, and looking back, I could see she was right. But there was no good reason for it.

So I spent some time praying to figure out why I reacted as I did.

I realised that I felt accused by her. But as I looked it, I could see she had not been that way. If anything, she had seemed a bit afraid to mention it. So I dug deeper.

As a guy, I feel responsible for things like the sink. Not every guy feels that way, but many do. And for me, because of stuff from growing up, when something I’m responsible for is broken, I’m in trouble. That makes me defensive. And knowing I am going to be defensive makes Lori hesitant, which just adds to my issues.

We had a nice talk about all this, and got past our hurt. Even more importantly, both of us now have information that could help us avoid this kind of interaction in the future.

Sometimes your reaction to your husband is not about him, it’s about something in your past. Likewise for your husband’s reactions to you. Keeping this in mind can make your marriage run more smoothly.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the sink clog was my fault, which just make it worse in my head!

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