The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
Final Reflections: Understanding Your Husband for a Better Marriage
Podcast: Download
And so it ends, with post number 1,784. I hope some of you have learned half as much as I have! I appreciate all the feedback, pushback, and support. You’ve been great! If you want to continue the journey with me, I start tomorrow, Saturday, at https://doingmarriagewell.com .
The image below is the one I used for my first post. It had the caption “It Begins”.
What I said on that first post is still relevant, so I will leave you with much the same:
The goal of this blog has been to explain to women what their husbands think and feel, and why they do what they do. However:
- This doesn’t mean his way is right.
- It doesn’t mean your way is wrong.
- Explaining in no way excuses or justifies any sin.
- Neither does it free him from the consequences of his choices.
What explaining can do:
- Equip you to reason with him.
- Make it easier for you to explain things in a way he will understand.
- Allow you to share your wants and needs more effectively.
- Give you opportunities to bless him.
- Make it more likely the two of you can work out problems.
In short, the better you understand him, the easier both of your lives should be. So I encourage you to keep trying to understand the man God gave you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and still loving it.
Image Credit: © stockyimages | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: Asking Favours: Do It for Me
Podcast: Download
When you want your husband to do something for you, or to change how he does something, ask him to do it as a favour to you. Even if you think what you’re asking for is something he should do, asking it as a favour is a better way to go.
This is a good idea regardless of gender, but when a wife asked a favour of her husband, she has the added bonus of tapping into his desire to love and protect his bride. It works with the way God has made him. Additionally, you avoid any risk of being seen as nagging.
~ Paul – I’m XY and I like doing favours for my wonderful wife.
[This post first appeared Nov 17, 2014.]
Image Credit: © Patrick Hermans | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: Understanding Men’s Valentine’s Day Dilemma
Podcast: Download
I know some women are not fans either, but I think men in general are more unhappy about Valentine’s Day than women in general.
The short answer to why men dislike it is “There’s nothing in it for me, and a high risk I will get it wrong and pay for that.”
Of course, that is a major generalisation, but a good many men would agree with it. Valentine’s Day seems to have become more and more about pleasing her, as opposed to a holiday for lovers. I suspect we can blame marketing to a large degree.
Men complain the holiday is all for women, focused on what they want and need, while ignoring what men like. Some have suggested they would be fine if there were a holiday for men. (Some are promoting a male alternative to V-day a month later, a day all about steak and oral sex, but I digress.)
The other big complaint is being unable to give their wife what she wants. I used to think this was just men being clueless, but then I saw guys do all the things we think women want, only to be told they failed. I suspect it is not the norm, and it is played up to make guys feel better about not really trying, but for some it’s a real issue.
Many men really don’t understand romance. To them, romance it is a secret dark art with rules they can’t decipher. Most women don’t think about love and romance the way men do; so we can do what seems good to us and completely miss it. A few well-intended misses is enough to convince a guy he’s being asked to play a game he can’t win. If he got that from a former girlfriend or two, he may have given up before he even met you.
As with most things, if you want him to understand what you want, be obnoxiously clear. Men tend to miss or misinterpret hints.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and V-day should not feel like a trap!
[This post first appeared Feb 12, 2014.]
Image Credit: © WavebreakmediaMicro | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: Men, Women, Hardware Stores and Gender Communication Styles
Podcast: Download
My wife tells the story of going with me to a hardware store I had never been in before. I walked in and said to a male employee, “screw eyes”. He answered, “Aisle 5”. That was the entire “conversation”.
Lori says a female customer would have said, “I need to hang a humming-bird feeder, and I’m looking for a decorative screw eye…” She also told me a female employee might have found my approach a bit rude.
Neither method of obtaining the location of the screw eyes is wrong, nor is one inherently better. However, gender differences mean my request is best suited for use with another man. Most women want (need?) more than the raw facts when they communicate. For women, communication is not just about sharing information, it is usually also about relationship. For men, communication is about exchanging needed information, and efficiency is often prized.
Two applications:
- When your husband gives you limited words, possibly less than a proper sentence, he is not trying to show disrespect. He probably does the same with men all the time. He may have no idea it bothers you, and if he does know he likely does not understand why.
- When you give him large amounts of information, he may feel flooded and get lost trying to find the information he needs in your many words. He may miss the point altogether if what you want him to know is near the end of what you say.
The two of you communicate in different ways. Neither is wrong, but neither works well for the other. If you each move a bit towards the communication style of the other, you can avoid all manner of problems.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve learned not to use one-word sentences with my wife!
[This post first appeared Nov 10, 2014.]
Image Credit: © Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: The Power of Gratitude: Transforming Your Marriage and Life
Podcast: Download
In the States, Thursday is Thanksgiving. Regardless of where you reside, it is beneficial to count your blessings and express thanks. Science has been studying gratitude for a number of years*, and has found gratitude helps us physically, mentally, and socially. Studies looking at couples find those who practice intentional gratitude have better marriages and far less divorce.
Learning to feel and express gratitude results in you being happier, and it makes you a better person. Some suggest taking a few minutes each day to write down three to five things for which you are grateful. If you want to see changes in your marriage, do this specifically about your husband. It may be difficult at first, but you should be able to find a few small things. The next step is to express your thanks to your guy for the things for which you are grateful.
Here are a few of the things for which I am thankful:
- Jesus died and rose for me, so I might be reconciled with God.
- My wife’s integrity.
- A new grandchild!
- Our Life Group at church, what an awesome bunch of people you are!
- My wife’s lifelong journey of healing and growth.
- My son married a fine young woman with a family I would want to spend time with even if we were not related.
- The maturity and wisdom I have gained over the last year, and the ways my growth has made my life easier and better.
- Close, true friends who know me, love me, and hold me accountable.
- Sex has become a source of joy and connection in our marriage.
- A dream for the future.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have so much for which to be grateful!
To read more about gratitude, check out:
Why Gratitude Is Good | Greater Good
Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage? | Psychology Today
The Grateful Brain | Psychology Today
[This post first appeared Nov 26, 2014.]
Image Credit: © Microgen | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: Navigating His Midlife Crisis
Podcast: Download
At 53, I have not yet had a midlife crisis. This means either I’m going to live a very long time, or I just skipped it. I’m guessing the latter, and hoping it’s both!
A midlife crisis is usually a result of realising your life is half over, and you’ve not done what you wanted to do, or feeling what you have done isn’t enough. Some want to “leave a legacy” and start to worry they may not have the time to do so. Others feel they’re getting too old for some of the adventures they’ve been putting off for years. The classic image of a man having a midlife crisis is buying a red sports car and getting a girlfriend barely older than his daughter. Many men do less extreme things, while others just get depressed and give up.
If your husband is in the midst of a midlife crisis, be understanding, don’t condone sin, and hang on for a rough ride. He’s not thinking rationally at this point, and expecting him to listen to reason is going to end in frustration. What’s more, he may blame you, because who wants to blame themselves. This makes you the last person he wants to hear from. A trusted male friend has the best chance to get him to think clearly.
If your husband is nearing 40, you might be able to do some midlife crisis prevention. Talk with him about his life; what he likes about it, what he doesn’t like, and what he feels is missing. Encourage him in what he wants to do, even if it will cost both of you. Help him make some good choices now so he won’t be tempted to do something rash in the future.
And yes, once again, he needs adventure, and he needs good male friends. These things can prevent a midlife crisis.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have scheduled my midlife crisis for my 100th birthday.
[This post first appeared Oct 29, 2014.]
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: 5 Things I Wish Someone had told my Wife about Male Sexuality
Podcast: Download
Over on One Flesh Marriage, our friend Kate did a great post entitled 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Sex. It was such a great idea, I’m stealing it. My Generous Husband post for tomorrow will be 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Female Sexuality. Along the same lines, here are things I wish my wife had known about male sexuality before we married.
- Erections are not a barometer: An erection doesn’t mean a man wants sex. And, not having an erection doesn’t mean a man is uninterested in sex. How fast a man gets an erection in any situation depends on his physical state (how tired he is, how hard he has worked physically) and his mental state (both his relationship with you and his day in general.) These same things also affect how hard he gets. His mind and body are not always in sync sexually, kind of like your mind and body.
- Enough is not always enough: Men tend to think of “enough sex” in terms of quieting the physical demand. He may think if you take care of his physical need, it’s unfair to ask for any more. I’ll let you in on a secret: the best sex a man has is sex he did not “need” physically.
- Wanting to try something different is not a complaint: The fact he can think up new ways to enjoy sex with you says nothing about what you currently do. When you enjoy something, you want more of the same, and you want to try new ways.
- Sometimes it does have a mind of its own: From before he had any idea what sex was, his penis has caused him problems. It got hard for no reason, and then didn’t not go back to normal fast enough. When he hit puberty, this became a huge issue, as it happened far more often and in public. His penis can also refuse to become hard when he wants an erection. Sometimes he climaxes very rapidly, for no apparent reason, and other times it takes longer than he thinks it should. I realise these things seem minor given all the ways your body betrays you, but to your husband these are a big deal and potentially rather embarrassing.
- Men are visual: You have heard this, but do you really understand it? He wants to see you naked. Not just without clothes, fully naked and exposed. He wants to see and explore your most sexual parts. Sex in the dark is far less enjoyable for him than sex in the light, and if he never sees you naked, he won’t be sexually satisfied no matter how often you have sex with him. If you really understand this, and understand how hot he thinks you are, you can rock his world.
Feel free to join the comments on Saturday’s TGH post and tell men what you think they need to know about female sexuality. This link will take you there.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I was so clueless about female sexuality when I got married.
[This post first appeared Oct 10, 2014.]
Image Credit: © alfa27| stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
WBW: Sending Your Husband Away Can Strengthen Your Marriage
Podcast: Download
Tell your husband to leave.
For the weekend, a few days, or the evening.
I bring this up because I will be spending some time this weekend sitting around a fire pit with other men. I will be sharing my thoughts, feelings, and faith with friends old and new. I will be stretched and challenged, and I will come back home a better man, a better husband, and a better servant.
I have talked several times about men’s need to spend time with other men. As much as he loves you, your husband has needs you can’t meet; just as he can’t meet all your needs. His walk with the Lord requires him having time with other men of faith. To be the best husband he can be, he must spend time with other men who are learning to love their wives. Being a better father requires him spending time with other fathers.
An organised “religious” event is one option, but a hunting trip or a guy’s movie night are also great ways for him to get the male fellowship he requires. Be proactive about him getting out with the boys; it will be good for both of you.
(And yes, you need time with other women just as much.)
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I need other men.
[This post first appeared Oct 8, 2014.]
Image Credit: © Bootcamp NW
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
The XY Code, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.Banner Image © pathdoc | Adobe Stock
Privacy Statement