The XY Code

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A couple of years ago, my lovely Lori wrote a post entitled It’s OK to Be Different. Living with me, Lori has seen more than her share of different. Either she has seen the value in different or has lost her mind. Perhaps both!

From where I stand, it seems women are more concerned than men are about being outside the norm. I certainly know plenty of exceptions on both sides, but it seems men are more comfortable being further from normal than women are. No doubt, some of this is because women take more grief than men do for being different. Men seem to get wider margins for both acceptable difference and admirable difference. 

One of the ways I see this play out is wives trying to limit their husband’s level of different. Lori did this early in our marriage, mostly out of fear of what others would think. Fairly quickly, she decided “I was an adult” and could take care of myself. She also declared she was not responsible for me, or my actions. In short, she chose to not act like a mother to me. For my part, I tried not to go so far I embarrassed her.

Trying to limit or control your husband being difference is a trap. He will resent you for it, and you will resent him for not listening to you. He may also start treating you as his conscience or voice of reason, and this could free him from listening to his own reason. No one wins, and your marriage loses in multiple ways. Alternatively, you may keep him somewhat under control, which means he never sees how others would feel about his actions. 

He’s a grown man, even if you don’t think he acts like one. I’m all for telling him what you need, and what offends or embarrasses you; but let him do what he wants and let him suffer any consequences. You’re not responsible for him, so let him be himself. You’ll both be happier in the long run.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I gotta be me!

[This post first appeared Dec 01, 2014.]

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Last week, I talked to the guys about getting marriage help when you need it. Today it’s your turn.

I realise women are more likely to suggest and to attend counselling, therapy, or coaching. So maybe what you want to know is how to get him to go.

There’s definitely some pride involved in men not getting help. But more often men avoid couple’s help because they think it is a way of telling him what he’s doing wrong while she gets a pass. This is particularly a concern when the third party is a woman. Convince hubby you want to discover what both of you can do to make your marriage better, and he will be less resistant. Suggesting that dealing with some of your issues will improve your sex life will also motivate him. And, if you have significant sexual struggles, putting them on the list of things to deal with is a good idea.

Along these lines, Lori and I now do marriage coaching through Aldrich Ministries. Aldrich offers coaching for both individuals and couples, and most marriage issues can be addressed by coaching. Coaching is less expensive than therapy, and because it can be done across state lines and internationally, you have access to a great team no matter where you live.

Depending on your needs, you may or may not be paired with us. There are people who do story work, coaching for men or women, and help with porn and other unwanted sexual urges. Also, available are pre-marital and help with sexual difficulties. If cost is a concern, there’s a sliding scale. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and where was this when we first got married?

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