The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
WBW: Teaching Your Husband About Your Cycle
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I regularly tell men they should know their wife’s cycle as well as she does. Regardless of how easy or horrible your cycle is, your husband can make things easier if he has a clue. For some men, this is a self-preservation issue; for all of us, it should be a matter of kindness.
I point men to my Her Cycle article as a starting place. Thing is, you’re an individual, and no article is going to tell your husband all he could and should know about your personal dance of the hormones. You’re the only person who can fully educate him. If he seems unwilling to listen, tell him what he learns could make his life easier. If you really want to get his full attention, tell him your cycle affects your sex drive.
Talk to him about how you feel mentally, emotionally, and physically at various points in your cycle. Talk about bloating and soreness, feeling grumpy and feeling like you’re in a mental fog. Tell him when each happens, and the struggles those things cause you. Explain you’re not trying to get a pass on how you act, rather you want him to understand why you may find it difficult to be your usual sweet self at times.
Then give him updates about where you are in your cycle, and what he can expect the next few days. Tell him what he could do to make things easier or make you more comfortable. Again, you can increase his interest by discussing sex. If you have a few days of higher drive, be sure to “warn him” by saying something like “Beware: I’m approaching the horny part of my cycle.”
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have sympathy for the hormone roller-coaster my XX sisters ride.
[This post first appeared Nov 5, 2014.]
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A Christmas Pause: Nurturing Your Marriage Amidst Holiday Chaos
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So, are you insanely busy yet? Are you stressed and exhausted?
If so, I suggest you take a break. No really.
Sometime between now and when you fall into bed Christmas Eve, grab twenty minutes with your husband. Have a little snack and a hot beverage, snuggle up, and relax. Talk about Christmas, but not your preparations.
Twenty minutes won’t destroy your schedule, and it will be good for your blood pressure and your marriage.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and good boys and girls make time for each other!
Some checks in the mail yesterday put us at 40% of our year-end goal. Can you help with a donation?
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From Restraint to Abandon: Embracing God’s Design for Sex
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Over on The Generous Husband, I got a drive by comment barrage from a woman who didn’t like an old post entitled The “Sex Is Not A Need” Garbage. She said sex is a want, and a pathetic want at that. She was unhappy about what she saw as the normalization of people unable to control their urges. She mentioned self-control several times.
I’m sorry for whatever happened to this woman that has caused her to feel this way. I doubt anything I could say will change her opinion. But I would like to address the self-control issue, as it comes up often.
Yes, there are passages in the Bible that call for sexual self-control. Most of them are aimed at singles, and all are about sexual sin. What God has to say about married sex is very different. In Proverbs 5:19 a man is told to enjoy his wife’s breasts at all times, and to be “intoxicated always” with her love. Song of Songs uses the same imagery a couple of times, including when God tells the newly-wed couple to be drunk from sex.
Unfortunately, most of us are not instructed, much less given permission, to dive into sex with total abandon when we marry. It’s difficult to go from full stop to full speed ahead, especially if you were touched by purity culture. Men’s strong drive usually gets them past this, more or less, but women often struggle. And keep struggling until they give up.
The gift I wish for you this Christmas is for God’s gift of sex to become a real gift to you. I know it’s never too late. I could tell you about the thirty-something wife who learned to orgasm and started having sex every day. We know of women in their forties, fifties, and even sixties who went from avoiding sex to wanting or pursuing it, with significant increases in desire and enjoyment.
If this sounds like an impossible dream, get help. Awaken Love does an outstanding series of classes that have resulted in huge changes for many women. Or, Lori and I do coaching for this via Zoom. You can meet with Lori, your husband can meet with me, all four of us can meet together, or some combination of those. If your relationship is in reasonably good shape, sexual issues can often be improved with just a few sessions.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want you to have a happy New Year!
Closing in on a third of our year-end donation goal. Can you help?
 2024 Year End28% of 15,000 raised as of 12/20 Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. |
Donate with Check or BillPay Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo. Mail to: Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173 US donations are tax-deductible |
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Following Jesus’ Example: The Importance of Self-Care
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Sunday I preached about Jesus as man. One of the things I discussed was how Jesus practiced self-care. He went out alone to pray. He slept in a boat. He rested by a well while the disciples went into town for food. And on one occasion, when folks were looking for Him to do healing, He went elsewhere.
Most of us don’t do a good job with self-care. We’ve bought the lie that we must be always doing, and many feel guilty for taking necessary time for their own very valid needs.
When I look back, I realise Lori and I were horrible at self-care when we were younger. And I can see how it hurt us individually and as a couple. It’s high on my list of things I would change if I could live it all over again.
Do you make time for the self-care you need? Do you and your husband provide your marriage with the care it needs? Jesus gave us the example, and the permission, to engage in self-care, so let’s do it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and self-care is good and right!
TEN DOLLAR TUESDAY: Our Year End Donation Drive is ongoing. Tomorrow is ten dollar Tuesday. If everyone reading gave ten dollars, we’d blow our goal out of the water.
 2024 Year End18% of 15,000 raised as of 12/15 Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. |
Donate with Check or BillPay Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo. Mail to: Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173 US donations are tax-deductible |
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Your Needs, His Desire for Sex, and A Win-Win Solution
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On Monday, I said:
It might be good to tell him that all work and no play is bad for your marriage in general, and your sex life in particular.
It’s not the first time I’ve suggested you might nudge him to act by suggesting that doing so would make sex better or more frequent. When I do this, I am not suggesting you buy his compliance with sex!
If your hubby wants more sex, he probably wants that a great deal. If you tell him something interferes with you wanting or enjoying sex, he should be all about making the necessary change. That could mean him doing something, or not doing something. It might be a schedule change or dealing with the kids. It could be about you needing more non-sexual time with him, or needing half an hour to yourself before bed.
If him giving you what you need results in more of something he needs, it’s a win-win. This is communication, not manipulation. When you communicate your need, be clear what will happen if things change. And of course, don’t say it if you’re not going to be able to follow up.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and it’s good to communicate!
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Taking the ‘El’ Out of Noel for Better Holidays
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I suspect you’re aware we’re heading in to two months of back to back holidays. Does me reminding you about that bring dread?
Holidays can be great, but it’s easy to do too much. That can make the holidays less fun, or no fun at all. Having too many expectations dropped on you is an issue. Then there’s family, both yours and his. And just between us, most of these hit woman harder because you’re expected to do too much, put up with unacceptable behaviour, and smile the whole while.
So I want to suggest that this year you take the el out of Noel. IOW, say no. Say it early, and say it often. But don’t just reject everything; be strategic. Pick and choose so you can bless others, enjoy yourself, and not hate your life by the middle of December.
It would help to talk with hubby about this. Get him on your side before the crazy starts. It might be good to tell him that all work and no play is bad for your marriage in general, and your sex life in particular.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want my wife to enjoy the holidays!
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Great Sex in Marriage: A Christian Perspective
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Over on Quora, a fellow said women having mind-blowing orgasms should be the norm. I didn’t agree with his suggestions to make that happen, but I agree with his opening claim.
I’m a Christian. I believe how or bodies work is a result of how God built us. And when I study sex, which I have done for five decades, it’s abundantly clear that God created women to have great sex. If you set aside culture and look at just the biology of it, women should be more about sex than men, and they certainly should be having better sex than men.
So why is our reality not nearly so sex positive for women? Because we live in a world full of sin and selfishness. And sadly, there is another reason. Many of us are steeped in non-biblical and ungodly lies about sex.
The truth is, God wants you to have a great marriage complete with a fantastic sex life. Believing that truth won’t instantly change things, but it’s a great step in the right direction. Beyond that, teaching your son’s and daughters this truth can help them avoid many of the frustrations and let-downs you’ve had about sex.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want better for us!
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Assessing and Managing Personal and Marriage Stress
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The intake form Lori and I get for the folks we are coaching asks each individual to rate both their personal stress and their marriage stress on a scale of 1 to 10. It’s a great tool for us when we start with a new couple. It would also be a great tool for any individual to use to see where they need to do some work or make some changes.
Separating personal and marriage stress can be tricky, but if you think about it, you can do it. The next step is to try to figure out the sources of your stress. What is beyond your control? What isn’t? Is some of it situational, and will it be gone in time?
If your personal stress is high, you can assume that is pushing up marriage stress for both you and your husband. If your personal stress is high and your marriage stress is not, that is a good indication your husband might be able to help you. If personal stress is low and marriage stress is high, you are in a good place to work on your marriage. If both are high, you may need to get some third party help.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and stress is no fun
The Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network would a great place to get some help.
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