The XY Code

The image below is of a miniature beaded Christmas tree Lori and I made for my parents our first Christmas. (It usually lives under a bell jar.)

Building this gift was stressful for Lori because I wanted to add a string of LED lights – which was very much a DIY project in 1985. Lori is very “crafty”, but she had always worked alone on projects, and working with me was hard for her. Fortunately, our marriage survived.

When my mom died in 2001, the miniature tree became ours, and we display and enjoy it yearly. Lori will admit the lights make it better, but that is not why her letting me “interfere” was such a good thing. While I am enjoy the many things Lori has made (including handmade stockings and more than a few ornaments), the beaded tree is something we made together. It is not just beautiful; it is a touch point in our lives. I remember working on it with her. I remember discussing what kind of miniature ornaments to make. I remember our daughter/step-daughter donating a toy train she thought would look good under the tree. I remember waiting down the street until my parents left for the Christmas Eve service so we could sneak the tree into the house. We put it where they would see it when they entered the house, then joined them at church – enjoyed our shared secret. 

The feelings and memories I have are much stronger because I was a part of making the tree. It was a joint project, and that made it special.

I am sure there are times when working with your husband is stressful for you. Gender differences aside, he has different ideas and different ways of doing things. Some of the time you could do it faster without his “help”, and some of the time you could do it better without his help. From a practical point “No thanks, I’ve got this” often makes sense. However, from a relational point working with him may be a better choice. As I have mentioned before, men are better about opening up when they are working on a project. Working on something together also helps men connect, and accomplishing something together results in a shared pride.

I have benefited from being a part of making the beaded tree, and our marriage has benefited as well. 

~ Paul – I’m XY and I think crafts need “More Power!”

There is an alternative to health insurance – a Christian alternative! With the Affordable Care Act deadline approaching, I have been getting more emails about The Health Co-Op, a Christian health cost sharing program that is accepted under the ACA. If you do not have health insurance, or if you have received word the cost of your current plan is going up, The Health Co-Op may your best, and least expensive, choice. Monthly cost is $379 for a couple and $443 for a two-parent family. More information here.

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It seems to me that wives usually get the worst of the holiday work and stress. Not that man are immune, they just seem to end up with less of it. In part, this may be because it is more socially acceptable for men to say no. There is also the fact that women traditionally are saddled with most of the decorating, food prep, gift buying and wrapping, and caring for the kids who are excited out of their little gourds. 

All this, and then I get emails from men who complain they don’t get sex for a week either side of Christmas. Sigh.

I would like to introduce you to the gift of no. Yes, it can be a great gift to give yourself, but it can also be a great gift for your family. When you say no to things, you gain time. You reduce stress, you feel better, and everyone wins.

Of course, your husband may get upset when you say no. I suggest you counter by explaining what saying yes will cost you. Ask him if he wants a nice calm wife, or a woman who is in danger of going postal on the next Salvation Army Santa she passes. 

A few great articles on this that others have posted recently:

The Best Christmas Gift from The Generous Wife, aka my wonderful bride
Avoid the Immaculate Deception This Christmas from Safe at Home
Talk about Your Expectations NOW from To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Holiday Intimacy from Loveseat Marriage 
For everyone’s sanity, keep this Christmas simple from The Art of Simple 

~ Paul, I’m XY and I do the turkey, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry relish. 

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There has been a lot of press the last few days about a study that said male and female brains are “wired” differently. (See Brain connectivity study reveals striking differences between men and women for example.) To grossly over-simply, the study found that male brains have more “front to back” than “side to side” connections, while women have more “side to side” connections.

What I find even more interesting than the study is all the folks who are trying to explain away or down play this gender based difference. For instance, on her blog, Cordelia Fine said:

One important possibility the authors don’t consider is that their results have more to do with brain size than brain sex. Male brains are, on average, larger than females and a large brain is not simply a smaller brain scaled up. ..there may physical reasons for different arrangements in differently sized brains. The results may reflect the different wiring solutions of larger versus smaller brains, rather than sex differences per se.

She is right that men “on average” have larger brains. However, previous research has shown that if a man and woman are the same size, the man’s brain is still likely larger*. Gender causes male brains to be larger, so the findings are about gender even if brain size is a factor.

Another critic said, “Brain connections change throughout life.” Again, the statement is true, but how does it bring the findings into question? The study does show changes in connects as children grow. There are few gender-based differences prior to puberty, then the sexes diverge greatly. The oldest study participants were 22, so we cannot say for certain that these differences continue for the rest of life, but there are no good reason to think there would be significant changes prior to menopause.

I suspect the reason some are upset is that the researchers said, “Overall, the results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” There are those who desperately want men and women to be the same other than for a few minor differences related to reproduction. Any study that shows that to be wrong must be attacked! Mz. Fine complained that the researchers were “reinforcing and legitimating gender stereotypes in ways that are not scientifically justified.” However, the study was a subset of a larger study that tested subjects to see how they did on various tasks. While males did better on spatial processing and sensorimotor speed, females did better than on tests of attention, word and face memory, and social cognition. The gender differences found in “wiring” fit nicely with differences seen in the aptitude tests. I would hardly call that scientifically unjustified gender stereotypes!

Bottom Line: Much of the media, and even some scientists, wants to ignore or discredit real differences in men and women. The truth is God made us male and female, and while we are co-heirs in Jesus, we are not the same!

* Larger does not mean better or smarter. Also, it’s not as simple as “bigger” – men and women have different rations of gray and white brain matter, and different amounts of each in many areas of the brain. There are many differences in male and female brains.

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It would be neither fair nor accurate to say men are worse at making assumptions than women. However, if your husband is given to the practice it can create problems. 

One of the most common assumptions is “Other people are basically the same as I am”. Of course, this is not correct, and it is even less likely to be true when the two people are not the same gender. Common problems that arise from this include:

• She can do this as easily as I can.
• She needs the same amount of time to do this as I need.
• It will take her the same amount of emotional energy to do this as it takes me.
• This won’t bother her any more than it bothers me.
• That will be as interesting to her as it is to me.

Gender differences aside, you are a unique person, and you are not the same as your husband. If your guy is a master of assumption, you should regularly communicate to him how you differ from him. Expect he will need to hear about most differences repeatedly to get them set in his mind.

What wrong assumptions does your husband make about you?

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Most men are not nearly as into talking as most women, and a lack of real conversation is a common complaint from wives.

A part of this is based on differences in your brains. The anterior commissure, a bundle of nerves that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, is larger in women than in men. This has a direct effect on language skills, with women using both sides of the brain for language, while men use mostly one side. Studies also show that women process the tone and meaning of emotional words faster than men do, and women use more words about people and relationships while men talk more about objects.

All the science aside, it means your brain does not process words the same way as his brain does. It also means that you have a better ability to communicate “his way” than he has to communicate “your way”. I am not trying to let him off the hook, just being realistic about the difference.

One good way to get him to talk is to do it while he is doing something else. Being in the car together is a great way to have a conversation. Working on a project together is another good way. I suspect part of the reason this works well for men is it reduces eye contact. Studies find women make more eye contact than men while talking, and this may make men feel uncomfortable. Talking while laying arm in arm, or after the lights are out, may also work well, for the same reason.

Talking while doing something else also allows him to take more time to process what you say without looking rude, and that can help him “keep up”.

Give him an environment that feels more comfortable to him, and he may say more.

Have you found something that loosens your husband’s tongue?

~ Paul – I’m XY, but I have way more words than my wife.

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Actually, he doesn’t hate shopping; he just hates shopping the way you shop. Men tend to be very goal oriented when they shop. They know what they want, they go straight to that item, they grab it, and they get out. Women are more into browsing and waiting for something to catch their eye. Even when he needs to compare or check size, men are much faster. A review of surveillance images showed that if a man takes an item into a dressing room, there is a 65% chance he will buy it. For women, the figure is 25%.

Women use shopping as a chance to socialise, whereas men have no desire to take a buddy shopping with them. Likewise for shopping with you – it’s not his idea of a great time to get to know each other better.

Do men really hate shopping with their wife? Yes, most do. One survey of 1000 men asked, “Do you hate shopping with women?” A massive 71% said “yes”, while 18% said it depends and only 11% gave a solid no. A study from England found that 8 in 10 think shopping with their partner boring. The same study found that on average, men get bored after 26 minutes of shopping while women take two hours to get bored.

There are a couple of exceptions to the normal male shopping tactics. In grocery stores, men are far more likely to buy things not on the list (see, it is not just your husband!) and more likely to say yes to whatever sugar infused food-like item the kids want to get. Men also seem to take well to online shopping. This is likely because it is easy to find what he wants with the search function, and it is easy to compare items.

Unless your husband is one of the anomalies, the best thing for your marriage is to go shopping with a girlfriend.

~ Paul, I’m XY, and I don’t live to shop!

Speaking of online shopping: If you shop Amazon, can you do us a favour and start from here? It doesn’t change your prices, but we .5% of what you spend. Thanks!

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I was at a store with my wife a couple of years ago. A man with an earphone in one ear came up to me and said, “I see your wife forced you to leave the house too.” He then proceeded to give the current score of the big play-off game that was going on. I thanked him, and he wandered off to help another poor guy who was putting his wife ahead of watching the game. I did not have heart to tell the fellow I did not even know there was a play-off game that day!

I have never been a sports fanatic. Maybe that gives me a bit of empathy with those of you ladies who do not care and cannot figure out why your husband does.

Many have said sports are the way modern men deal with their desire for war and hunting, with those who can’t play at a high level living vicariously through their teams. Douglas Hartmann, PhD, associate professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota has studied sports a great deal. He says sports allow men to identify with masculine things like dominating, taking risks, and competition. He has suggested that the less physically competitive a man is in his daily life, the more sports become a way of achieving these things, at least in his mind.

Sports also give a man a point of connection with other men. There is a certain amount of civic pride, which some have suggested is like the clan or tribe focus from days gone by. Even when men who do not support the same team, sports gives them something to talk about with others, be they good friends or new acquaintances. Beyond this, several studies have found that men (and women) who strongly identify with a sports team have higher self-esteem, are happier, and are less lonely.

An interesting part of this is what watching sports does to a man’s brain and body chemistry. When a man’s team wins, his testosterone level goes up; when his team loses his T levels go down. High T levels feel good, it make a man feel manlier. I would not call it a “high”, but it is similar.

If your husband enjoys following a team or two, I would say let him. On the other hand, if he follows every game played to the point your kids think their names are “Don’t stand in front of the TV” and “Not now, the game is on,” you have a valid complaint. As with anything either of you does, it must fit within the marriage and the family. Talk with him about a reasonable level of sports watching, and then promise to help him see the games that matter without unnecessary interruptions.

~ Paul – I’m XY, but I don’t get sports.

Year End Giving: Lori and I are donation supported. We are kicking off our year-end giving on Tuesday Dec. 3rd. Razoo, the non-profit company we use to process donations is having a Giving Tuesday special event. The groups that raise the most will get monetary prizes. They are also giving twelve randomly chosen donors $375 each! If you are thinking of sending us a nice year-end gift, please do it next Tuesday. We will send a link next week. US donations are tax-deductible, and all donations are greatly appreciated.

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