The XY Code

This post echoes what I said on the Generous Husband today in Whose Life Are You Living?

I think most women understand being pushed to be someone other than who God made them to be. You have been pushed into someone else’s image of who you should be since the day you were born. You have the church telling you what is and is not pleasing to God (much of it having little to do with anything God has said) and the world telling you that being that woman makes you a traitor to all women.

You may think men have it easier, but honestly, we do not. In some ways, we may have it worse; when a woman refuses to live in the boxes she in which she has been put, some say she is a strong woman standing up for who she really is. Generally, both the church and the world see a man who does the same as rebellious.

However, I am not here to argue who has it worse; I just want you to know your husband probably struggles with this. He is afraid of disappointing his parents (possibly even if they are both gone) and he is afraid of disappointing you or making you mad.

You can help him by encouraging him to be who God made him to be – even when that seems scary. Praise him when he steps out of his comfort zone, and be his cheerleader as he grows.

Another part of this, and a place where you can help directly, is that some women think the way to change a man is to tell his wife what he is doing wrong so she will nag him. My mom tried to do this, but my wise wife refused to play. If his mom or anyone else tries to use you to change your husband, please opt out!

By the way, the book I mentioned to the guys (and Lori mentioned on The Generous Wife yesterday) really is excellent. I think every couple would benefit from reading and discussing Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in Your Life In Christ. I know how hard it can be to get him to read anything, but this one is worth the effort.

~ Paul – XY and way out of the box.

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I meant to include a link to Unbearable Lessons in my last post, but it got separated and posted by itself. Do check out this great post from The Forgiven Wife!

~ Paul – XY and sometimes scatter brained.

Your husband would probably defend you with his life in the face of a physical threat. Why then will he sit by and ignore people beating you up verbally? I bring this up because the holidays mean being with family, and sometimes family use words as a weapons.

I think the biggest problem is men do not understand the damage words can do. We heard “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me” as kids, and we bought into that lie. We work hard to not let words hurt us, or not to show it when they did. The other part of this is that men fight back when they feel truly threatened, be it physical or verbal assaults. This leads to a paradoxical situation – if we see our wife fighting back, we assume she is fine, and if we do not see her fighting back, we assume she is not hurt. You just can’t win, can you?

You need to tap into his desire to defend you by getting him to understand that words can do deep damage to you. (Additionally, it does not hurt to mention that his coming to your defence makes him your hero.) Have a talk with him a few days before you are likely to be verbally attacked, and ask him to be on the lookout. Give him an idea of who is most likely to attack you, and what to look for. Ask him to be aware of you at gatherings, and to help you avoid being alone with an individual who is not safe.

It may take a couple of times to get him to see the danger, but once he does, he should be more than willing to help. Be sure to thank him for any help he offers, even if it falls short of what you would like. If he misses things, mention them before the next gathering.

By the Way: If you are going to be doing any on-line shopping, would you do us a favour and start from the links here? It does not change you prices, and we get 1%-5% of what you spend as an affiliate payment. Thanks!

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I just started reading The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine. I read her The Female Brain years ago, which was excellent. I have not found any surprises yet, but the book is giving me brain-based reasons for some of what I know to be typical male behaviour. In short, I have proof that some of the crazy things men do are because God made them that way! (Other common causes for craziness are pride and the inability to think when in the presence of a partially or fully nude woman – but those are other posts.)

You know how he interrupts you while you are explaining a problem to offer a solution? According to Brizendine, the Temporal Parietal Junction (TPJ) is the reason for this. The TPJ is one of several “hubs” in the brain that signal other parts of the brain causing behaviours to occur or not occur. The TPM directs the brain to solve distressing problems. During “interpersonal emotional exchanges”, the TPM is more active in men than it is in women. Brizendine says this is actually a form of empathy.

So, while you need to communicate fully, he needs to fix it. Fortunately, the two are not mutually exclusive. I tell men to listen, really listen, to the whole situation, which includes her feelings about the situation, before offering any advice. You can try to get him to do this by telling him you want to hear his suggestions, but you will not be able to hear or processes them well if he has not heard all you need to share with him. Ask him to listen, and then when you are done you will ask him what he thinks. If you let him know he will get a chance to do what he feels driven to do, he should be willing to let you do what you need to do.

My extraordinary wife and I have done it this way for years, and we both feel heard and validated. On occasion, she has even told me my “fix” was of help to her, either as a solution or as a starting point in her thinking for a solution that works for her. It is a win all around.

~ Paul – XY, and very good at solutions.

Speaking of fixing things: The folks in The Philippines hit by Typhoon Haiyan have a lot of fixing to do. If you want to help, I have a good, safe, way to do that. My friend Molong lives far enough south of the destroyed northern part of Cebu Island to be relatively unaffected and able to help those who have been wiped out. He and his fellow disciples are using motorbikes and other small vehicles to get food and water to the places trucks cannot yet go. Because the local port and airport (both major international facilities) are running, there is plenty of food to be bought locally. 

Molong is the real deal. I have known him almost a decade, and I have a number of friends who have visited him and have met the widows and orphans he helps. I know any money sent to Molong will be used wisely for those who need help. House2House, my day job, is collecting money and sending it to Molong to help feed people now, and to help rebuild later. You can go here to read more, and make a donation. All US donations are tax deductible.

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Odds are your sense of smell is far stronger that your husband’s sense of smell. It is not that he just does not care; studies have found women can detect smells at lower concentrations than men can. Women are also able to improve their ability to smell something with repeated exposure, while men cannot do the same thing. What’s more, women are especially sensitive to body odour, and fragrance is much less effective at masking body odour for women than for men.

All of this is to say he really does not smell much of what you smell, and when he does smell something, it is not as strong for him as it is for you. This means he probably is not denying he smells something to avoid cleaning; he really does not smell it.

Do I think you should put up with stinky? Not at all! (I happen to be sympathetic to this because I have a very good sense of smell for a man.) I think you should help him understand the gender based difference in sense of smell, and then ask him to work with you to ensure you do not have to deal with too much stink. Explain to him that you smell the garbage when he does not, and that his body odour is very strong to you when he has not showered. Ask him to work on changing things out of love for you.

One final thought – your sense of smell is even stronger during pregnancy and when you are ovulating. I once talked with a woman who could not figure out why she could not stand the smell of her husband a few days every month. Sure enough, it was during ovulation that she was having a problem. Once she understood, she could explain it to her husband and ask him to shower better and more often for those few days.

~ Paul – XY with an XX nose

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Yes, there are wives (and husbands) who are guilty of nagging. However, much of what is called nagging is not.

The dictionary definitions I looked up read something like:

annoy or irritate (a person) with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging

• Fault-finding is not constructive criticism, it is unwanted and often petty attacks on what a person does, how they look, how they speak, and so on. This is unkind, unhelpful, and pretty much everyone hates to be on the receiving end of it.
• Continuous urging may or may not be about something important. The problem is the continuous part – especially if it is brought up again before the person has had a reasonable chance to do something about it.

Bringing up big problems is not nagging. Telling him something is not working for you and there needs to be a change is not nagging. As long as you do not beat him with such things repeatedly, it is not nagging. If he calls it nagging that is more about him trying to manipulate you or make himself feel less bad about not doing something he knows he should do.

Of course, that is all well and good, but it does not help you.

My first suggestion would be to make sure you are not doing anything that really is nagging. If you are, then it is easy for him to lump everything he calls nagging into one category and feel justified ignoring all of it. By eliminating real nagging, you make it more difficult for him to tell himself you are nagging when you are not.

Secondly, learn how to discuss things with him in a way that works for his male mind:

1. He likely is not as skilled at communication as you are; that part of his brain is smaller, and it probably gets less exercise. Avoid saying too much. Assume he can only hold so many words, and if you use too many he starts to lose some of it.
2. He probably has a difficult time turning off one thing in his mind so he can focus on another. Trying to have a serious conversation during a commercial break or when he is working out a problem in his head is a bad plan.
3. Avoid putting him on the defence before you even start. The infamous “We need to talk” is a sure way to have him ready to reject anything you say without really hearing it.
4. He is far less moved by feeling than you are. He needs to hear about your feelings, but leading with them is not the best approach.
5. He is geared to fix problems, so presenting things as problems to be fixed may help you a great deal.
6. You can combine 4 & 5 nicely. Instead of, “I don’t feel you care about me” you could say, “I have a problem; I don’t feel you care about me. Can you help me see the ways you show me you care for me.”
7. State your case, and then give him time to think about it. No one likes to be rushed, and when pushed to do something “right now” saying no is the easiest answer.
8. Prioritize. If you give him too many things at once, he may decide it is too much and reject them all. If he does act, he may not act on the things most important to you.

By the Way: Rosemary had an interesting take on “nagging” recently on her For Better – Or What? blog. Check out Nag Me Some More

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This one is not a guy thing, it is a human thing. (But guys may be less willing to work on it.)

He does something that bothers you. Either you say nothing, or you mention it once or twice then let it drop. However, it keeps bothering you, and it bothers you more and more every time until you cannot stand it anymore and you make a big deal about it. He reacts by looking at you as if you are crazy.

Think about it from his standpoint. You have said nothing about it the last 283 times he did it, and now “suddenly” you are livid. That does look a bit crazy, does it not? From his point of view, his actions were fine with you for months or years, and now you expect him to change right now!

If you can learn to live with something, keeping quiet is fine. If it is not going to drive you bonkers this is a loving way to deal with small things. However, if you cannot learn to live with something, do not try, and do not let it go on unchallenged. Speak up early before it becomes a deeply ingrained habit.

What if you have been silent about something for a long time and you have reached your breaking point? Again, understand it from his point of view: you are “suddenly” making a big deal out of something that he has been doing for a long time. Admit upfront that you have been silent. Tell him you thought you could live with it, but you realise now it really bothers you and it always will. Let him know you understand you are asking him to make a change for you, and that it is going to take some effort on his part. Be sympathetic to that, and to the fact that he will slip into his old habit at times without even thinking about it.

What if you bring it up and he ignores you? Stand your ground. Keep telling him it is a problem for you. Ask if there is some way you can help him change. If he continues to ignore you, let him know you will seek outside help if necessary. Do not threaten; just state it as a fact. If he still makes no effort to change, prayerfully consider where to get help. 

A late addition: The Warrior Wives post for today fits nicely with this – Confrontation Is Not Anti-Submission.

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