The XY Code

For many men anger is a “safe” emotion. I say safe because it feels safe for him.

There are a couple of things at play here.

• Men are less empathetic than women (proven by testing, and probably based on differences in the brain). This makes it more difficult for him to negotiate emotionally charged situations. Because anger pushes people away, it is a good way to avoid the whole thing.
• Boys are taught there are manly and unmanly emotions. (Peers will teach boys this even if they do not get the message from adults, and TV and movies reinforce the idea.) We learn to suppress weak or “feminine” emotions, and play up those that are considered masculine. Anger is one of the “approved” emotions. Anger is also a good fall back when a man needs to cover an “unacceptable” emotion.

A man may not default to anger intentionally; for many it is a habit. Once the habit is made, it is difficult to change. Anger becomes his cover emotion, the one he pulls on when he is unsure or when what he is really feeling is not acceptable.

You Can Help Him

First: If his anger results in violence toward you or the kids, get help now!

Obviously defaulting to anger is not a good thing. Changing that would be good for your marriage and for his life in general. However, telling him he has a problem with anger is just going to make him angry.

• Try to help him find the emotions that are behind the mask of anger. Do this in private, and do not push too hard. Ask him why he feels angry, and give him time to think about it because he honestly may not know. You can also ask him what he feels in addition to the anger.
• If you see a pattern of him getting angry in response to certain things you do or say, try to find a way to change the situation. I am not saying ignore it or let him walk all over you, just find a different way to deal with it. This can make it easier for him to avoid the anger habit.
• Tell him how his anger makes you feel. Wait until sometime when he is not angry, and try to give him a short concise explanation of how his anger affects you. You do not have to suggest how he should change or push him to discuss it – just give him the information and let him think on it.
• Show appreciation when he avoids anger. Words are okay, actions are better. Show him that limiting his anger will make things better with you, and he will have greater motivation to work on his anger.

~ Paul – XY and learning all the emotions.

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I think many men are rather private about their faith – probably too private. Our walk with the Lord is a very personal thing, and for some men it feels even more personal than sex. What’s more, much of society tends to see serious spirituality as feminine.

I have not struggled with this much with my wonderful wife, but I have found it to be a problem with my kids. I want them to see me praying and talking about my faith, but it feels so revealing that it is uncomfortable. I think I have done a decent job overcoming this, but it has taken a good deal of effort.

If your husband is this way, with you and/or the kids, realise that pushing the issue too much will only make him feel worse about it, and he will withdraw even more. Find ways to encourage him, and especially to let him know how much you like it when you get a glimpse of his faith in action.

Look for “safe” ways to engage him spiritually. Ask him to “pray about _____ this week” rather than asking him to pray about it right then and there. Ask him what he thought about the sermon after church, or ask his opinion on a particular passage of scripture.

~ Paul – XY and deeply in love with Jesus.

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Since we moved to the Eastern part of Washington, we have heated our home with wood. This is certainly a good idea economically (it saves us $1000 to $1500 a year), but there is another advantage: it makes me feel like a man. I drop a tree, haul it home, cut, chop, and stack it. Then there is the daily building and maintaining of a fire to keep the home warm. All of this feels very manly. Moving the control on the thermostat or paying a heating bill does not make me feel manly.

I think men are hard-wired to need to do manly things to care for their family. Things like building a home, cutting your own firewood, hunting, fishing, bringing in a crop, and so on. It is all hard work, and we ache for it, but it makes us feel right; it makes us feel like we are being good husbands and fathers.

Thing is, it is less and less common for a man to be able to do these things. That leaves a vacuum, and men do some odd things to fill that need. I think things like spending way too much time and money on fishing, or trying to make the lawn look like a golf course are examples of this. I think obsession with sports is also an example of this (sports is just war with fewer deaths).

Do women have a similar need that is difficult to fill in our modern world? I suspect they do. Perhaps “retail therapy” is an attempt to fill that need.

The point here is that your guy lives in a world that does not always appreciate his being male, and does not give him many good ways to express his masculinity. You can help by making a point of appreciating him when he does manly things, and by being understanding (within reason) when he wants to build, destroy, or shoot something.

~ Paul – an XY wood cutting machine.

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I hate to look wrong in the eyes of my beautiful wife. I know she knows I’m not perfect, but I want to look as good as possible to her. Most men are this way and as far as I can tell, it is a much bigger pride issue for husbands than it is for wives.

This desire/fear results in men doing some stupid things. The classic example is the guy who won’t stop and ask for directions because that would be admitting he is lost. So, he drives until he finds a clue – or gets lucky.

This fear is also why asking your husband about something can result in him burying you with reasons why he did or did not do something, or why he should or should not do something. If he perceives the question as an accusation of being wrong, he reacts by trying to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is right. I have done this because of Lori saying, “Why did you do it that way?” Turns out she asks that kind of question to get involved, to open communication with me. But I use to perceive it wrong and beat her down with a storm of defensive words.

You may be able to avoid some of this if you communicate differently. If he hears curiosity rather than doubt or accusation, he will be less defensive. Try, “Interesting, I’d have done such and such, but your way works too.” You could also toss in a bit of flattery – something like “How did you think of such a clever way to do that?” or “That’s very creative, what made you think to do it that way?”

Yes, I know your girlfriends do not need these extra words to understand you, but then they do not have that pesky Y chromosome.

~ Paul – I’m XY and mildly hearing impaired. 

By the Way: If you want to know more about us, check out our bio.

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It begins.

The goal of this blog is to explain to women what their husbands think and feel, and why they do what they do. However:

• This does not mean his way is right.
• It does not mean your way is wrong.
• Explaining in no way excuses or justifies any sin.
• Neither does it free him from the consequences of his choices.

What explaining can do:

• Equip you to reason with him.
• Make it easier for you to explain things in a way he will understand.
• Allow you to share your wants and needs more effectively.
• Give you opportunities to bless him.
• Make it more likely the two of you can work out problems.

In short, the better you understand him, the easier both of your lives should be. 

It will seem at times that I expect you to do what it takes to change your marriage, letting him off the hook. When I talk to men, I focus on what they can do to better their marriage; when I talk to women, I focus on what they can do to better their marriage. I also tell men that the most mature spouse starts the changes…

I look forward to making the male mind a bit less confusing place for you!

~ Paul – XY and loving it!

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Welcome to The XY Code!

We’re still putting on the finishing touches, and some of the links don’t work yet, but, you can use the buttons to the right to subscribe by RSS or email.

The XY code is an attempt to explain to women how the male mind works. If you know what he thinks, feels (yes, he has feelings) and desires (it’s not just sex) you will find it easier to share a life with him. The better you understand how God made him, the better you can bless him, and the better you can communicate your needs to him. This blog is not about “telling you what you should be doing for him” – it’s about having a better marriage for both of you. You cannot change him, but you can motivate him to change in ways that make your life easier. You can also learn small things that will make a big difference to him.

The XY code is a joint effort from Paul, aka The Generous Husband and Lori, aka The Generous Wife. Paul will do most of the posts, with Lori editing and saying “You can’t say that” as needed. Lori will be taking part in the comments.

Our intent is to post Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. We expect to start posting on November 1st. 

Hope you will join us!