Don’t Just Shut Up

I had an email from a guy who talked about how his wife had stopped complaining about something and he assumed that meant it was resolved. I suspect most of the women here know this was not what had happened. The issue was unchanged, but the wife had given up because it was clear to her that her husband wasn’t going to change.

Don't Just Shut Up

I certainly understand getting tired of beating a horse that refuses to move (how’s that for a messed up metaphor?). The problem is men will generally see this as “I win” or “She’s changed her mind”. So just letting it go is the same thing as saying “You were right, I was wrong”. If that’s not what you want to communicate to him, then do something different.

My suggestion would be to drop it after telling him why you’re dropping it. Tell him whatever still bothers you or still seems wrong to you, but it’s clear he isn’t going to change. Explain you’re tired of going round and round about it so you are going to shut up about it. At the very least this lets him know you have not changed your mind. If he’s cleaver it will do more than that.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I made this mistake more than once

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He’s Gonna Blow!

Today a few facts about male ejaculation. Since your body can’t do this (female ejaculation is different) you have no way to know these unless you’re told!

He's Gonna Blow!

  • Pre-orgasm leakage: During arousal, men produce a bit fluid that is designed to change the pH of the urethra, making it more hospitable for sperm. The amount of “pre-come” varies from man to man and from one time to another. In general, the more aroused he is, the more he will leak. If you get him flowing more than usual you’re making feel very good, but it is relative. Some men make a mess just kissing, others never see more than a drop. The amount of fluid a man releases when aroused drops with age.
    There has been a lot of debate about the possibility of getting pregnant from pre-come. Most men have no semen in this fluid, and those who do have small amounts. I suspect you have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting pregnant from pre-come, but if you really don’t want to get pregnant consider it possible.
  • The Warning: Ever wonder if he can tell you he’s about to climax, why he can’t stop? Blame terminology. Men tend to think of “coming” as the moment when semen leaves the penis. In reality, ejaculation starts a bit sooner than that. Ejaculatiuon is actually a two-stage process made up of emission and expulsion. During emission, the bladder is closed off and fluid from the prostate and the vas deferens are mixed together. Then contractions cause the semen to be ejected during the expulsion stage. He feels the emission stage even though there is no outward sign of it happening. And once it starts, there is no way to stop the process.
  • Cut Short: Occasionally an ejaculation gets cut short. Generally, this is a result of a change in stimulation at a critical point. This results in a weak orgasm and the feeling of not ejaculating properly. It’s not horrible, but it’s a let down and it leaves him feeling a bit wrong down there. If he’s able and you’re willing, a second go will make things better. BTW, when this happens a guy who is usually one and done may be able to go again.
  • Not Empty Yet: If it’s been a while since he ejaculated, one shot won’t empty his reserves. This can result in him wanting to go again in a couple of hours, or seeming hornier then next morning than he was the night before. 
  • Blast vs. Dribble:  How far his semen shoots is to some degree a measure of how good his orgasm is; the better the orgasm, the stronger the ejaculation. However, this is very much age-related, and a drop in force of ejaculation is one of the first changes men see in their sexuality as they grow older. In addition to this, the amount of semen lesses with age.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and now you know!

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Family Historian

I find most men are bad at chronicling what they do with their wife, or as a family. They certainly don’t write about it, and most aren’t very good at creating good photographic evidence of what goes on.

Family Historian

I’m pretty typical for men in this. My wife is the one who wants to have pictures of the kids, the grandkids, and all the rest of our life together. And while I’m not good about taking and gathering such pictures, I sure do enjoy seeing them.

Someone should be the family historian. If your hubby won’t do it, it falls to you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I can show you pictures of my grandson!

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Was He Always That Way?

When Jack was single, he always threw his sock at the laundry basket. Jack is a horrible shot, and most the socks landed on the floor where they stayed until laundry day. (The day after he had nothing clean and rewore the least dirty thing he could find.)

Then Jack married Jill (who he met on a hill while getting some water) and he kept throwing his socks at the basket, and usually missing. Jill stewed about this for a while, then had a blowout, telling Jack how rude he was, that he didn’t love her, and how she feels like his servant.

Was He Always That Way?

Now I’m not suggesting the situation is acceptable, and I do think Jack should get remedial sock throwing training. However, Jill is taking it personally and it’s not personal. He’s doing what he did before they were married. He is treating her the way he treated himself.

By making it personal Jill makes it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. She may also kick Jack in his pride, and that won’t get her what she wants. It would have been much better for Jill to ask Jack if he would do her a favour and make sure all of his clothes make it into the basket. If she really wanted to drive the point home should could then demonstrate by removing each piece of her clothing and dropping it in the basket.

All silliness aside, if your guy has always done something a certain way, it can’t be about you. He’s not doing it to hurt you, he’s following a long-standing habit. It’s fine to ask him to change, but making a big deal about it is counterproductive.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sometimes a bucket of water is just a bucket of water!

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It’s All About the Coffee

Note: Due to a date error this post went out on Thursday with a different title and no content. Sorry about that!

This is (yet another) attempt to convince women most men are not nearly as hung up on how a woman looks as most women seem to be. Maybe I should see this as a lost cause, but I’m stubborn. Besides, I convinced my own wife, so I do know it’s possible.

It's All About the Coffee

Did you catch the accusation above? I’m suggesting women, not men, are the ones who are all about looks. If you consider how much time and money women put into how they look, this charge seems valid. Take a look at magazines and advertising aimed at women, it’s full of ways to look better. I suppose the argument is women have to do this because it’s what men expect, but I think women have repeated that so often they believe it without any collaborating evidence from actual men.

I’m not telling you men are blind, nor am I suggesting how a woman looks never crosses a guy’s mind. What I’m trying to tell you is how a woman looks is actually a rather minor part of the whole for most men. Even in high school most of my friends had some understanding of the fact that female beauty usually comes with a cost. The “ultimate beauty” looks good on your arm, but she doesn’t want to do most of what you want to do because it will mess up her hair, or rumple her clothes, or God forbid result in her sweating! She’s not a woman, she’s a well-manicured plastic shell.

My wife’s body is a container in which she exists. What the container looks like is far, far, far less important to me than what is inside. I mean yeah, I have a favourite coffee mug, but what matters is the quality of the coffee, not what’s on the mug. The best mug in the world won’t help bad coffee, and great coffee is still great coffee in any mug.

How does this apply to sex? Lori is the woman I love. She is the mother of my children. She is the woman who worked to make my dream of running around the country in an RV become a reality. She’s the woman who cares for me when I’m sick and helps me when I’m falling behind. She rejoices with me, and she mournes with me. She prays with and for me, and she joins me in all manner of adventures. I don’t want to have sex with her because of how she looks, I want to have sex with her because of who she is to me. My wife is great coffee, and the sight of her naked little mug gets me going because it’s the mug that holds the best coffee in the world. If the image on the mug is faded, who cares? If there’s a little chip on one side, so what? I’m not aroused by her because of how her mug looks, I’m aroused by her because of what I know is in her mug. Her body turns me on because it’s her body. No other body can arouse me that way because no other body is her body!

Am I odd man out on this? Not based on what I’ve seen in the comments from last Friday’s post. The vast majority of men are far more concerned with who a woman is than how she looks. The exceptions are just that, exceptions. Please don’t judge your husband, who is probably a decent guy, by a few exceptions.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is great coffee!

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How’s Your Marriage Immune System?

Our marriages are under constant attack. The world is full of lies, distractions, and temptations and we are exposed to those things daily. It’s very much like how our bodies are exposed to various illnesses and infections.

When our bodies are strong and healthy we are better able to avoid catching the diseases we are exposed to, and better able to fight off what we don’t avoid. Marriage is the same way; when it’s strong and healthy we avoid most of what is thrown at us and find it easy to fight off the rest.

So how are you and your hubby doing at building a strong marriage immune system? What gaps are there, and how could you fix that?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to avoid a sick marriage!

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Take It Outside

As I write this we’ve not been above freezing for a week and there’s a foot of snow outside. However, for many of you, spring is here or soon will be.

Take It Outside

Most men enjoy being outside, and it’s good for all of us to get fresh air and a good dose of “blue and green”. Find ways to hang out outside with your man!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I can’t wait for it to thaw so we can start walking together!

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Shopping On An Empty Stomach

Have you ever gone grocery shopping on an empty stomach? Everything looks good, including things you don’t usually buy. And ignoring all the junk food takes extra effort.

Many men experience something similar on a daily basis. They walk around in a world offering sexual images at every turn, and if they’re sexually hungry it’s more difficult to look away.

Please don’t think I am making excuses here, I’m not. A lack of sex doesn’t justify lust any more than being hungry justifies buying junk food. However, this is a real thing for men, and it’s a huge source of frustration for some. Even if he doesn’t lust, he has to work hard to avoid it and it gets old. 

This goes beyond just how much sex a man has. He has a desire to enjoy sexual images. If a wife “never says no” but hasn’t let her husband see her naked for months, he is “getting enough” but will still be hungry for some sexual imagery. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, I only have eyes for my wife, and she gives me an eyeful!

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