Where Does the Time Go?

Over on The Generous Husband, my theme this year is busyness and time use. I’ve chosen this topic because I think lack of margin is a major marriage problem and a contributing factor in many divorces. Of course, few folks identify being too busy as a marriage problem, and you won’t see it listed as the reason for a divorce. To me, this makes it all the more deadly because we don’t see it for what it is.

Where Does the Time Go?

I’ve heard from plenty of women with workaholic husbands, and I know that’s a real issue. But I also hear from men who say their wife is just as bad or worse. It often looks different because much or all of her work is about caring for the kids and home, and that can fly under the radar or seem unavoidable.

If you’re too busy, your husband may see that as permission to be too busy himself. If you nag him about his time use but are always busy, you have no credibility. And if you’re routinely too busy for what he wants to do, he will consider you too busy regardless of what you think about your schedule. Most of us manage to make time for what really matters to us. Making time for what matters to others generally falls away long before we sacrifice what’s most important to us.

I don’t mean to make this your fault because it’s not. In most marriages, both spouses are way too busy. One may be “worse” but if both are doing far too much calling one worse means nothing. 

If you want a good resource on this I suggest the book Margin. Author Richard Swenson, an M.D., says life happens in the margin, and without margin, we don’t have much of a life. Swenson is convinced more margin results in greater physical and mental health, better financial stability, more fulfilling relationships, and being able to do what God calls us to do. It’s a good read, and a good book to share with your husband (because I know he loves it when you ask him to read a book!).

Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives
Paperback
Kindle
Audio

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m far less too busy now than I used to be.

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Got Toxic Family?

I know from the comments some of you have toxic families of origin. Maybe it’s your mother, or father, or both. Maybe it’s an older sister who still hates you for being born. For some of you, it’s a group effort with everyone including Aunts, Uncles, and In-Laws being ugly and destructive most of the time.

Please believe me when I tell you it is not God’s will for you to get endlessly beat up by your family! Or by his family for that matter.

Got Toxic Family?

I mention this now because we’re coming out of the holidays, and odds are those of you with toxic families got hit by them in the last couple of months. While that’s fresh in your minds, I suggest you and hubby have a hard talk about difficult relatives.

Odds are he won’t see the situation the way you do. Men tend to be better at ignoring rudeness and we may miss some of the more subtle things. Most guys want to fight their battles out in the world and have peace at home, and that sometimes means we’re willing to overlook or put up with more than we should. Saying things like “Being treated that way is wrong” and “I need you to protect me” might help him see the situation more clearly.

Beyond how you and your hubby are treated, toxic family can be harmful to your children. Even if they’re spared direct harm, seeing you treated wrongly sets a bad example. It’s easier to disrespect mom and dad when you see adult relatives doing it – and getting away with it.

The most effective way of dealing with toxic family is to limit exposure. This means both how often you see them and how long you stay when you get together. A strong ultimatum sometimes brings change, but it then requires diligence to keep the wrong things from slowly creeping back in. Another option is to reduce contact and then when you’re asked why you can answer honestly and offer to get together more often if they’re willing to change.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m so thankful the family I have locally isn’t toxic!

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How Long “Should” It Take to Orgasm?

When I look through the search terms that land men on The Generous Husband, I see a lot of guys asking something along the lines of “How long should it take for my wife to reach orgasm?”

I’ve addressed this on TGH several times, and I thought it would be good to say a bit about it here.

How Long "Should" It Take to Orgasm?

Please understand the male reality behind this question. On his own, he can go from zero to O in less than a minute. Probably way less than a minute. With his wife, he could climax almost as fast if he tried, and much of the time it takes somewhere between a bit and a great deal of effort to not climax quickly. When a man is having sex pretty much everything else shuts down. He doesn’t struggle with staying focused. He doesn’t worry about how he looks or what his wife thinks about what he’s doing or how he sounds. His entire existence is about sex, and orgasm is all but inevitable.

I understand your reality is different. For some of you radically different. Please know that’s okay; it’s how God made you. I realise that feels frustrating, but I do see a great wisdom in it. If you worked like he works, sex would take about 3 minutes from nudity to falling asleep. If you struggle to reach climax that might sound better, but it wouldn’t be. The occasional quickie is fine, but it’s not good every time. Slow sex is a wonderful thing. Learning to enjoy the journey makes sex far better, and taking longer to reach climax makes the climax much stronger for men.

My hope is that you will be able to accept how God made you as good and right. It’s part of the whole, part of what makes sex really great for both of you. God wanted sex to last half an hour or more, not three minutes or less. You are not broken!

So how long should it take for a woman to reach orgasm? I would say on most occasions it should take longer than the fastest she could get there. Sometimes it should be as fast as she can, and other times it should go way longer than she “needs”. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m really glad I learned to slow down and enjoy sex.

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There’s More Pie, Way More

This is a picture of some of the pies we had for Thanksgiving this year. We ended up with 24 pies, for 22 people. The goal around here is to have at least as many pies as people, and for the four Thanksgivings I’ve been here we’ve made that goal.

There's More Pie, Way More

Imagine having so much pie you know you and everyone else can eat your fill and still have pie tomorrow. And the day after that. Now instead of pie, what if this were true of love, or grace, or something else that seems to be in short supply in your family and/or marriage?

Many of us have a “there’s not enough pie” mentality because of something in our past. It could be growing up in a home where money was tight. Or it could be growing up with an emotionally stingy parent. Or maybe it was a sibling who was given too much or was allowed to take too much, leaving you with too little.

If you have a low pie mentality, how can you change that? How can you provide more pie for your husband or kids? How can you help them see that there’s plenty of pie? How can you help them start working to make sure there’s far more pie than anyone could eat?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yes that’s my cute grandson and silly son.

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Force The Issue Before You’re Done

Every January I hear from a man, or more than one, who is shell-shocked because his wife has “suddenly” left him “for no reason” and “with no warning.”

Force The Issue Before You're Done

Of course, the real situation is usually far different than the man’s honest perception of reality. Most of the time the truth is his wife has been unhappy for years. She clearly expressed this to her husband, at least in her mind, many times. She feels there is no way he could not know how she feels. However, nothing changed, and eventually, she stopped complaining. Bitterness set in, and resentment built. Gradually divorce became the only option she could see. She planned, and she waited for her time. Doing it over the holidays seems wrong, especially if they have kids, so she hung on. Then when the holidays were done, so was she.

If you’ve reached this point, I know nothing I or anyone else says will make a difference. This post is for women who have not gone that far. Maybe you’re still complaining, maybe you have stopped, but you haven’t decided you must leave him. If that’s you, I am begging you to make a really big deal about this with your husband. I don’t care how sure you are he knows, please get in his face and tell him in no uncertain terms that the current situation is unacceptable and that it will end in divorce.

You owe it to him, to yourself, and to your kids to slap him in the face if there any chance you will leave him over your ongoing marriage problems. Yes, I’m telling you to give him an ultimatum; it’s the right thing to do.

Along these lines, we have a new survey out. Will you be divorced in a year?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate divorce!

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The Path Forward

As we head into a new year, I’d like you ladies to help guide where this blog goes. 

The Path Forward

I’m not looking to make any major changes, but I’m not closed to doing that if a compelling case is made for doing so. Mostly I’m looking for suggestions and feedback. What have I not written about that you would like me to cover? Have I said things that seem useless? Have I missed the mark? Have I skimmed over things that need more explanation?

My reason for doing this is that I want all of you to have better marriages. How can I help facilitate that?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m listening

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What Do You Want For Next Year?

What from 2017 would you really like to leave in 2017? 

What Do You want for Next Year?

If there’s anything about your marriage you want to dump, have a talk with hubby. Moving from one year to the next is a good time to talk about changes. Also, ask him what he would like to change, and be open when he shares. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m looking forward to 2018!

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A Christmas Wish

I hope you are too busy enjoying Christmas to read this on the 25th!

A Christmas Wish

Whenever you read it, I pray your Christmas is or was a blessed day full of family, friends, faith, food, and festivity. (And not too much football!)

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I wish you a Merry Little Christmas 

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