The XY Code

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“Let there be peace on earth in my home.” ~ Men everywhere

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.“~ Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 [ESV]

Men want peace in their home. A lack of peace will drive a man to do all kinds of things, including not coming home and even leaving home for good. I would say peace in the home is more than a desire, it’s a need. Trying to fill that need can result in problems.

• If a man feels problems can’t be discussed and dropped, he may stop bringing them up. Working through them is fine, but he doesn’t want to deal with them repeatedly. If a problem is ongoing, it needs to be discussed from time to time, but not multiple times a day.
• This is also true for financial problems. Men will hide past due notices and even eviction notices because they are unwilling to deal with the lack of peace that will follow sharing the news.
• The search for peace is a huge part of why men want a “man cave”, a place of refuge from the outside world.
• Wanting peace is why men ignore things like in-law problems and troubles the kids are having at school.
• He may not share job problems because he wants to leave them at work. If he can share it, get some sympathy and then move on, fine. Anything more is just dragging the lack of peace at work into the home.
• Needing peace is even why some men who are sexually hungry stop asking for sex; it’s just not worth the lack of peace it causes. 

I realise all of the above can be a problem, and I’m not excusing or justifying a man who refuses to deal with things. What I’m trying to do is help you understand how deeply your husband needs a place of peace, a refuge, a sanctuary. If you understand this need, you can find ways to discuss what needs to be discussed and still give him the peace he needs. You can become part of his refuge, rather than an enemy of peace.

In terms of peace, timing is everything, and it can make a huge difference. Learn when he most feels the need for peace, and when he is most able to deal with difficult situations. Another skill to develop is knowing how long to leave something before bringing it up again. I know it seems he will never deal with it if you don’t keep bringing it up. At best, this is teaching him to ignore you because he knows it will come up again shortly. If it’s not critical, let it go longer than you think is reasonable to see if he will do something on his own. If he learns you will give him time and space if he deals with things in a reasonable amount of time, he will be motivated to deal with things.

Good ways to show you understand his need for peace are to say things like:

• When is a good time to discuss/deal with ______?
• Have you had a chance to think about ______?
• When would be good to work on _______?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like my peace!

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