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Every so often, Lori and I see someone who has just realised they’ve had no idea about some reality of their spouse’s life. It might be him coming to understand how much physical work and emotional energy it takes to raise children day in and day out. Or it could be her realising it really hurts him emotionally that she rejects most of his requests for sex. Or perhaps one of them had no idea what life was like for the other growing up, and how that hurt and distorted their spouse.

Typically, these discoveries come years or decades after a couple married. How can two people live together for so long and have such a lack of understanding about each other?

There are two parts to this: not communicating, and not believing. 

Communicating: Sometimes one spouse assumes their experience is so common the other should be aware without being told. An easy example is the sad fact that most women have been sexually harassed since puberty, if not before. But hubby wasn’t on the receiving end of such behaviour, and was pretty much blind to it going on around him. If you don’t talk about all the times and ways you were harassed just for having breasts or for what you wore, he won’t know about it. Likewise, for what it takes to care for children if you stay and home, and he’s gone to work all day. He’s not experiencing it, so how could he know?

The trick here is to present the narrative without sounding like you are whining. Just share the reality, and let him do the math on what that means.

Believing: As I hinted above, we have a tendency to downplay or discount things when we feel the one saying them is trying to play us. We’ve had both men and women tell us that when they heard us or others say the exact thing their spouse had been saying for years, they started to believe it.

For your part, please give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Believe that what he tells you about his experiences, feelings, frustrations, and desires is honest and real. Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand his reality. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and understanding makes marriages better!

Image Credit: © Andrei Korzhyts | stock.adobe.com
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