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If the past two posts on pornography (Pornography: It’s Not You, It’s Him and Who Uses Porn, and Why?) upset you, I apologise. The truth on this is ugly, but I think we’re always better off knowing the truth.

You may be wondering if your husband is looking at porn, and what to do if he is.

I don’t know your husband, but I do know a majority of men – even those going to church – view porn from time to time. There are also plenty of men who don’t look at porn, and those who are winning the battle against porn but still struggle.

Many men are afraid to admit the truth to their wife about their use of porn, be it past or current. They expect she will “overreact”, so they just keep it hidden. I’m not telling you “it’s not a big deal”, because it is; but staying calm will make it far easier to get positive results. I understand why it feels personal, but many men have convinced themselves their porn use is separate from their marriage and sex with their wives – 23% said this in our recent survey. If he is willing to change, work with him rather than trying to get him to see it your way. As he gets free, he will see the issue more clearly.

Another reason men don’t talk to their wives about porn is the fear she will expect him to stop cold turkey. I know a very few men who have done it that way. I also know a very few people who quit smoking cold turkey. Both happen, but are exceptionally rare. Most men slip from time to time – and hate themselves for each slip. Slips are more common when a man is stressed, depressed, or lonely. If his slips are less and less frequent, he’s making progress. 

How Can You Help?

• Grace, grace, and more grace. This doesn’t mean ignoring or downplaying his sin; it does mean loving him even when he messes up.
• Decide his porn use is not really about sex. This will make it easier for you to deal with it, and will make it easier to understand it’s not about you. It affects you, and it affects your sex life, but so would his being drunk or abusing painkillers.
• Don’t blame every sex act he suggests on porn. It may be because of porn, but if he denies that to himself, you’re not going to convince him otherwise. Accept or reject his suggestions based on how you feel about them. If he asks why, give a reason that has nothing to do with porn.
• Understand porn has messed up his sexuality. Even if he accepts this, he can’t possibly see how much damage has been done. It will take a long time for him to see clearly, and it could take years for him to get past it. He can’t honestly apologise for a wrong he can’t see, so don’t get hung up on that. Work to develop a good, healthy sex life. Yes, the burden is on you; I’m so sorry.
• Prayer – for him, and for yourself. He has a difficult struggle ahead  – pray for him daily. You’ve been hurt by this, and you will need to deal with that. Pray that process won’t interfere with what he needs to do.
• Encourage him to tell someone. If he refuses to tell anyone, he’s not ready to stop. Accountability partners can be huge, but it needs to be someone who doesn’t currently share the problem. He doesn’t need to tell the world, but he needs someone he sees regularly who will ask him how he’s doing.
• Avoid gossip, but get help for yourself. Your need to discuss this is valid, but so is his need to not be publicly shamed. If you think you need to talk to a counsellor, do so; but be sensitive to his concerns about who you talk to. If you don’t need a counsellor but need to be able to share, explain to him that it will help you if you can share with one friend who knows how to keep a confidence.

Will More or Different Sex Help?

Maybe, maybe not. Most men think it will help, but this comes from the wrong idea that they look at porn because they’re sexually hungry and/or sexually frustrated. Porn is primarily about escape, and if his escape is removed without dealing with what he is trying to escape, he will find another escape or get angry, moody, or depressed.

If he really wants to be free of porn, and is working to deal with the underlying problems, then good marital sex can help him be less frustrated, reducing the urge to go back to porn. This is not a case of not wanting porn because he’s “getting enough sex”. Rather, a healthy sex life reduces his stress level, reducing his need for porn as a stress reliever.

When Enough is Enough.

What if he just keeps using porn? He doesn’t try to stop, or he repeatedly fails to stop. Can you divorce over porn?

The Bible says the only reason one can divorce and then be free to remarry is for sexual sin. The Greek word Jesus used in Mt 19:9 was a catch-all term covering all sexual immorality. Many will argue that pornography does not qualify, but I think it does. If a man won’t even attempt to stop after his wife complains, I think she may well have a biblical reason for divorce. However, having a biblical reason doesn’t mean one should divorce!

My suggestion would be to make it clear you’re going to keep on him until he deals with it. That doesn’t mean nagging, it means being ready to go to others for help, and if necessary an ultimatum. His porn use is sucking the life out of your marriage, and you need to treat is as such.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I HATE porn!

[This post first appeared Jan 17, 2014.]

A related post:

Intimacy in Marriage | Be His Porn Star? Here’s the Problem… ◄ Three reasons it won’t work

An update on the Doing Sex Well Course:

I’ve found a system that sends emails the way I want them to go out. It allows people to join at any time and get the units in order at the right pace. I think most 2 week units will be emails on Friday, Monday, Friday Monday, but some will be different.

I have eight units for the first course, so it will run 16 weeks. There will be two or more follow-up courses of twelve or fourteen weeks.

I’ve started creating content. I want at least half of the first course done before I open it up. I hope to do that before the end of the month.

If there’s something you would like covered, let me know!

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