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Does your husband think he has to earn sex? 

I don’t mean full on barter, with you saying yes when he’s done enough around the house. Some men keep a balance scale in their heads, judging how well they are providing their wife with what she wants. When they’ve done enough, they think she will say yes to sex. Or perhaps they think they deserve sex at that point.

Other men weigh the things they’ve done that their wife dislikes. When there’s too much of that, they know they don’t deserve sex, and they don’t ask. I confess I’ve been that way in the past.

If you think about it, this “system” seems to benefit the wife. His sex drive should motivate him to treat her better.

But transactional sex, even when it’s all in his mind, has its downsides. He doesn’t learn about your sexual desire and how to stoke it. He may get upset when he thinks he has earned sex, and it doesn’t happen. He may not see sex as something for both of you, as he’s already given you what he thinks you want. And if you want sex when he thinks he hasn’t earned it, he won’t initiate and may ignore your hints.

Certainly there are times when his failures, selfishness, or grumpiness put you off sex. There are also times when you’ve not had enough non-sexual intimacy to want or enjoy sex. But if you allow this to go too far, it’s bad for your marriage and your sex life.

If you think your hubby is doing this, mess with his scales. Suggest sex when he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. Tell him there are issues that are making it difficult for you to be sexual, but you want to push past that for both of you. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and earning things in marriage never ends well.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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